Let me tell you how I REALLY feel...

I want so badly to say something positive and upbeat and TRUE. I want to say that I'm dancing in the rain or blowing bubbles with my kids or anything besides having a dumb ol' headache. )-: Pretty bad right now... Martin called off Bible Study tonight. I HATE that. I look forward to Bible Study all week.

Like, I sort of feel like David must have felt when he was on the run and hiding in those caves. I don't doubt in my God. I still believe that He is a healer and a deliver. Heck, just today I prayed for His healing and comfort to fall on a girl I've never met in the middle of Lowe's. I can honestly say that I trust Him. I don't have any idea what He is doing with me, but I still believe in Him. What I'm worried about is ME.

Oh God, hear my cries! Is this pain forever? Do I just need to quit fighting it and learn how to live with the headaches and dizziness?

Here is something true: "Psalm 33:18 Behold, the eye of the Lord is upon them that fear him, upon them that hope in his mercy."

I know that He is with me. I know that He hasn't forgotten me. I still repeat the beautiful words of Psalms 23 every single day. He is my shepard. He did not create me to live in anything but peace and stillness. He leadeth me. He guides me. And yet believing that He's here with me doesn't make the pain any less intense. Knowing that He's here holding my hand through this doesn't make it any easier. I'm still walking through that "valley of the shadow of death". The only difference is, that I don't have to fear evil. But there is no where in that beautiful Psalm that says, "You will feel no pain and endure no hardships." And THAT's what's hard.

God, I believe that your grace is sufficient. Let me wrap myself in your grace and wear it like a cloak. Grant me the grace to get through this, Lord. I don't want to be down. When others see me, I want the joy that you have given me to shine through my pain. God, obviously this is what you've orchastrated for me, and I will walk through FIRE if you want me too, but I just need help holding my head up high. I just need you to wipe the tears from my eyes and reassure me that WE will make it through this...