Friday, December 11, 2009
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Hi! My name is __________, and I'm....
So I'm going to let you in on a little secret. Something that really isn't a secret at all because it's pretty evident in the pattern of my life, but nonetheless I have kept it under wraps for years and years... I'm a quitter. Terrified of failure to the point that I just seem to choke out and quit before I ever even have a chance to fail.
I've quit all sorts of wonderful things: school, relationships, jobs, etc. It's like a gross little self-sabotage trick that I pull over on myself. I've ducked out on multiple friendships to the point that I don't regard myself as a good friend whatsoever. I know, I know, you're thinking that I'm too hard on myself, but that's only because you don't know me. Really, I'm just being honest.
So now I'm in nursing school and it's tough and that grating little voice is already starting up in the back of my mind and it's saying, "Quit! Surely you don't think YOU can do this, do you??? You'll never make it! You're not smart enough or dedicated enough or whatever enough." And you know what? That voice is probably right. Actually, it is right. But quitting isn't the answer. Nope, not the answer at all.
See, for some reason I feel like I MUST have control and the minute something is too big for my hands I think that I've failed. Really that's not it at all. My hands are only so big, but what I fail to remember is that I'm not alone. Not at all!
I think that sometimes God allows really BIG things to come my way so that I can't even TRY to hold onto them and instead I'll lean into Him and let Him take the reigns. I think He's wanting me to give up some of that control and trust Him to be the controller.
Nursing school is absolutely crazy. It was a crazy idea from the beginning. It's crazy even now. And I can't do it. I can study and study and study and read and read and read, but when it comes down to it there are a million reasons why I can't possibly get through school. And sometimes I'm guilty of looking at those million reasons and maybe even adding to them. BUT there is One (reason) why this is possible. One (reason) why I can actually finish something. One (reason) that ever even made me come this direction in the first place. And if I can just focus on that One (reason), and not those million other insignificant ones, then I'll be just fine.
Hi! My name is Jessica and I'm not giving up!
I've quit all sorts of wonderful things: school, relationships, jobs, etc. It's like a gross little self-sabotage trick that I pull over on myself. I've ducked out on multiple friendships to the point that I don't regard myself as a good friend whatsoever. I know, I know, you're thinking that I'm too hard on myself, but that's only because you don't know me. Really, I'm just being honest.
So now I'm in nursing school and it's tough and that grating little voice is already starting up in the back of my mind and it's saying, "Quit! Surely you don't think YOU can do this, do you??? You'll never make it! You're not smart enough or dedicated enough or whatever enough." And you know what? That voice is probably right. Actually, it is right. But quitting isn't the answer. Nope, not the answer at all.
See, for some reason I feel like I MUST have control and the minute something is too big for my hands I think that I've failed. Really that's not it at all. My hands are only so big, but what I fail to remember is that I'm not alone. Not at all!
I think that sometimes God allows really BIG things to come my way so that I can't even TRY to hold onto them and instead I'll lean into Him and let Him take the reigns. I think He's wanting me to give up some of that control and trust Him to be the controller.
Nursing school is absolutely crazy. It was a crazy idea from the beginning. It's crazy even now. And I can't do it. I can study and study and study and read and read and read, but when it comes down to it there are a million reasons why I can't possibly get through school. And sometimes I'm guilty of looking at those million reasons and maybe even adding to them. BUT there is One (reason) why this is possible. One (reason) why I can actually finish something. One (reason) that ever even made me come this direction in the first place. And if I can just focus on that One (reason), and not those million other insignificant ones, then I'll be just fine.
Hi! My name is Jessica and I'm not giving up!
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Thinking of a couple dear friends of mine...
Ever been sad? Guess that's a silly thing to ask really since feeling sad really just means being unhappy with something. I used to think that being sad was equivalent to not having faith. But then I've learned that isn't the case at all! Lots of times in the Bible we see accounts of people being unhappy. Unhappy with situations, unhappy with people, unhappy with themselves. Even Jesus was unhappy at times. Like hello?!?!? Remember, "Jesus wept"?
Lately I've felt unhappy. All around me, I've watched as sickness, hurt, anger, and a slew of other dealy missles perneated into the walls carefully guarding the lives of those I love. These toxic missiles have jabbed into the hearts and souls of their victims and threatened sure ruin.
And to be honest, the smoke from the hits has clouded my vision. Somehow along the way, my eyes have become focused on the crumbling stones of each wall. But thank God that He loves me so much, He sees me glaucoma and He clears up my vision!
Yes, sometimes, life is though. Being blasted by missiles is painful. Sometimes we've invited these shots by letting sin creep into our lives. Sometimes these shots are unwelcome intruders that catch us totally off guard. But for each and every one of these painful blows, our God is bigger and mightier than any attack strike.
When I was really sick, one of many scriptures that brought me comfort was John 9:3, "Jesus answered, Neither hath this man sinned, not his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him". There was this blind guy. Sounds like he'd fallen victim to some of these uninvited missiles. But guess why? So "that the works of God should be made manifest in him"!!! I guess that's an easy one to grasp because this guy, blind from birth, was miraculously healed. Sounds like the works of God were definately manifest in him, right?
Let's look at someone totally different, and my personal favorite guy in the Bible. Let's look at Job. Here this guy was a good guy. The Bible calls him "perfect" and "upright". So Job's a good guy, minding his own business, when suddenly - he loses it all. Job loses his children, his servants, his livelihood, his health, and the stability in his marraige. I don't think there was anything left for Job to lose but his life! And as the story goes, Job still praised God and didn't turn away from Him. The Bible says that God blessed the latter years of Job's life more than the beginning. And that may be so, but still he'd lost an awful lot. He still lost his children... He still endured some really rough times... Why? So that Job's love for God was proved to be just as strong in the horrid times as in the good times. Again, it sounds to me like the works of God were manifest in Job.
You know what strikes me? In either case, it was okay to be sad. It was okay because neither lost sight of who God is. God STILL heals, whether He spits in clay and heals your blinded eyes or not. He STILL cares about you whether you lose absolutely everything or not. God is STILL God, no matter how many missiles come our way. No matter if one stone crumbles in our lives or ten stones crumble, He is STILL God.
So I said all that to ask this: Maybe I'm sad. Maybe there are situations that I'm unhappy with. So what am I going to do? The ball's in my court, you know. He's already told me who He is. He's already told me what He can do. So it's really just up to me...
Lately I've felt unhappy. All around me, I've watched as sickness, hurt, anger, and a slew of other dealy missles perneated into the walls carefully guarding the lives of those I love. These toxic missiles have jabbed into the hearts and souls of their victims and threatened sure ruin.
And to be honest, the smoke from the hits has clouded my vision. Somehow along the way, my eyes have become focused on the crumbling stones of each wall. But thank God that He loves me so much, He sees me glaucoma and He clears up my vision!
Yes, sometimes, life is though. Being blasted by missiles is painful. Sometimes we've invited these shots by letting sin creep into our lives. Sometimes these shots are unwelcome intruders that catch us totally off guard. But for each and every one of these painful blows, our God is bigger and mightier than any attack strike.
When I was really sick, one of many scriptures that brought me comfort was John 9:3, "Jesus answered, Neither hath this man sinned, not his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him". There was this blind guy. Sounds like he'd fallen victim to some of these uninvited missiles. But guess why? So "that the works of God should be made manifest in him"!!! I guess that's an easy one to grasp because this guy, blind from birth, was miraculously healed. Sounds like the works of God were definately manifest in him, right?
Let's look at someone totally different, and my personal favorite guy in the Bible. Let's look at Job. Here this guy was a good guy. The Bible calls him "perfect" and "upright". So Job's a good guy, minding his own business, when suddenly - he loses it all. Job loses his children, his servants, his livelihood, his health, and the stability in his marraige. I don't think there was anything left for Job to lose but his life! And as the story goes, Job still praised God and didn't turn away from Him. The Bible says that God blessed the latter years of Job's life more than the beginning. And that may be so, but still he'd lost an awful lot. He still lost his children... He still endured some really rough times... Why? So that Job's love for God was proved to be just as strong in the horrid times as in the good times. Again, it sounds to me like the works of God were manifest in Job.
You know what strikes me? In either case, it was okay to be sad. It was okay because neither lost sight of who God is. God STILL heals, whether He spits in clay and heals your blinded eyes or not. He STILL cares about you whether you lose absolutely everything or not. God is STILL God, no matter how many missiles come our way. No matter if one stone crumbles in our lives or ten stones crumble, He is STILL God.
So I said all that to ask this: Maybe I'm sad. Maybe there are situations that I'm unhappy with. So what am I going to do? The ball's in my court, you know. He's already told me who He is. He's already told me what He can do. So it's really just up to me...
Thursday, July 23, 2009
When His answer isn’t at all what we expected…
There have been times in my life, LOTS of times actually, that the answer to my prayers seemed to be a massively big resounding “NO”. When the brain tumor was first found, or even more recently when I’ve faced tummy troubles, I felt like maybe I was a crummy Christian. Here people had teamed up with me in droves to pray, and yet that miraculous healing, the one that we claimed and the one I believed in – never seemed to happen. However, 17 months after brain surgery, God did miraculously heal me, but for those 17 dark and long months I was left untouched…
So I felt like maybe I was a crummy Christian because I didn’t see that miracle. Maybe my faith was in a bad state? Maybe I just had too much sin stacked up against me? Whatever the case was, somehow I felt that I must have done something not to “earn” His touch…
I remember several months ago having a day of feeling really horrible, new test results looking grim, and enjoying my little pity party when suddenly God hit me with a thought. “Remember Gethsemane…” Frantically, I remember looking up Jesus’ last prayer in Gethsemane. Jesus didn’t want to die… In fact, He prayed if there was anyway possible for Him to avoid this end, let it be! But we all know the story, Jesus still ended up marching up to that cross to be crucified for you and for me. Did He get a “NO”???
Recently a friend has received an answer to a prayer that just seems all wrong. I’ve been reminded of all this above, and then I’ve also thought of something else. Of course we are accustomed to how long God seems to take sometimes. Poor Sarah! How long did she pray before God finally gave her the answer to her prayer??? Or Moses. How long did that man wonder before his people ever reached the promise land??? Look at Job! That poor man lost EVERYTHING before he ever saw restoration! Stories like that were comforting to me when I finally received that miraculous healing, but sometimes… well, sometimes our answer is still just a plain ol’ “NO”…
Apostle Paul is a perfect example. If there is someone that is definitely NOT a crummy Christian in my eyes – it’s Paul. I can’t see him lacking faith and any sins in his life were obviously outweighed by the grace and mercy of God. And yet the Bible records not one… not two… but three times that Paul prayed for something and do you know the answer he got back? “NO.”
That just erases all feelings of ownership that I’ve ever carried around because I’m not the only one that has heard a “No” before. And just because His answer can be “No”, doesn’t mean that I lack faith. Remember what the 3 Hebrew boys said before they were tossed into that fiery furnace?? I’ll paraphrase, but they said, “There is no way that we are bowing to any idol. We believe that our God CAN deliver us, but if He chooses not too – He is STILL God!”
And I can agree with that wholeheartedly. Maybe God doesn’t always answer the way I want Him too, but He is STILL God.
So I felt like maybe I was a crummy Christian because I didn’t see that miracle. Maybe my faith was in a bad state? Maybe I just had too much sin stacked up against me? Whatever the case was, somehow I felt that I must have done something not to “earn” His touch…
I remember several months ago having a day of feeling really horrible, new test results looking grim, and enjoying my little pity party when suddenly God hit me with a thought. “Remember Gethsemane…” Frantically, I remember looking up Jesus’ last prayer in Gethsemane. Jesus didn’t want to die… In fact, He prayed if there was anyway possible for Him to avoid this end, let it be! But we all know the story, Jesus still ended up marching up to that cross to be crucified for you and for me. Did He get a “NO”???
Recently a friend has received an answer to a prayer that just seems all wrong. I’ve been reminded of all this above, and then I’ve also thought of something else. Of course we are accustomed to how long God seems to take sometimes. Poor Sarah! How long did she pray before God finally gave her the answer to her prayer??? Or Moses. How long did that man wonder before his people ever reached the promise land??? Look at Job! That poor man lost EVERYTHING before he ever saw restoration! Stories like that were comforting to me when I finally received that miraculous healing, but sometimes… well, sometimes our answer is still just a plain ol’ “NO”…
Apostle Paul is a perfect example. If there is someone that is definitely NOT a crummy Christian in my eyes – it’s Paul. I can’t see him lacking faith and any sins in his life were obviously outweighed by the grace and mercy of God. And yet the Bible records not one… not two… but three times that Paul prayed for something and do you know the answer he got back? “NO.”
That just erases all feelings of ownership that I’ve ever carried around because I’m not the only one that has heard a “No” before. And just because His answer can be “No”, doesn’t mean that I lack faith. Remember what the 3 Hebrew boys said before they were tossed into that fiery furnace?? I’ll paraphrase, but they said, “There is no way that we are bowing to any idol. We believe that our God CAN deliver us, but if He chooses not too – He is STILL God!”
And I can agree with that wholeheartedly. Maybe God doesn’t always answer the way I want Him too, but He is STILL God.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Fear not...
Isaiah 41:10 "Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness..."
Fear not, cause I'm not alone. Maybe there are times that everyone (but me-LOL) seems bonkers, or maybe there are times that I feel like I can't breathe... But I'm not alone...
Fear not, don't be dismayed. Why? Because He is MY God. My God!!!!! He alone is comfort and peace, which are the complete opposite feelings as being dismayed. And He is MINE!!!! Comfort and peace and all that He is belongs to me!!!!
Fear not, cause HE will strengthen me!!! I am so weak... Sometimes just feeling my own weakness is enough to make me want to crumble, and that's okay! Wasn't it Paul that wrote about decreasing so that He can increase? That being said, maybe I need to be reminded of my weakness because it is then that I truly remember (and need!!!) His strength.
Fear not, cause He will help me!!!! He'll help me!!!
Fear not, cause He will hold me up! More than that, He will uphold me! Do you know what that means?? He'll ensure that I keep my sanity! :-D (Said half joking!)
Maybe there is every reason to fear. Me, my flesh, totally wants to freak out. Loss of control, maybe. Loss of knowing the future... But not only has God told me there is no reason for me to fear, but there isn't anything my fear, or worry, or stress will accomplish. I can worry myself into a frenzy, but that's not going to suddenly shed light on all that is to come.
So how smart is my God? :-D
Fear not, cause I'm not alone. Maybe there are times that everyone (but me-LOL) seems bonkers, or maybe there are times that I feel like I can't breathe... But I'm not alone...
Fear not, don't be dismayed. Why? Because He is MY God. My God!!!!! He alone is comfort and peace, which are the complete opposite feelings as being dismayed. And He is MINE!!!! Comfort and peace and all that He is belongs to me!!!!
Fear not, cause HE will strengthen me!!! I am so weak... Sometimes just feeling my own weakness is enough to make me want to crumble, and that's okay! Wasn't it Paul that wrote about decreasing so that He can increase? That being said, maybe I need to be reminded of my weakness because it is then that I truly remember (and need!!!) His strength.
Fear not, cause He will help me!!!! He'll help me!!!
Fear not, cause He will hold me up! More than that, He will uphold me! Do you know what that means?? He'll ensure that I keep my sanity! :-D (Said half joking!)
Maybe there is every reason to fear. Me, my flesh, totally wants to freak out. Loss of control, maybe. Loss of knowing the future... But not only has God told me there is no reason for me to fear, but there isn't anything my fear, or worry, or stress will accomplish. I can worry myself into a frenzy, but that's not going to suddenly shed light on all that is to come.
So how smart is my God? :-D
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Trusting without understanding...
“Let not your heart be troubled” (John 14:1): these words keep running through my mind over and over like a broken record, and yet my heart is troubled. )-:
Isaiah 41:10 “Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God; I will strengthen thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.”
What a perfect scripture for me! I do feel afraid! I do feel dismayed. I feel really weak and it’s funny cause I’m scared I might slip. Yet He tells me that it’s okay. He’ll hold me up… He tells me not to be afraid… Because He is God! He is MY God!! And He will never leave my side.
Strange how I felt more at peace when I had that crazy brain tumor then I do now. That was a situation of life and death, but this isn’t. No one is dying! It’s going to all be okay, and yet my heart feels so broken …
And again I’m faced with faith. Real faith. Not just saying that I have faith, but it’s actually time for the rubber to hit the road.
Once again it’s time for me to live out Proverbs 3:5-6. “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct they paths.” That is a beautiful scripture to say, but living it is a little harder… Trusting in God, in a plan that I can’t see or touch – a plan that I have no control over, isn’t so easy… Leaning not unto what I can see or what I can comprehend is hard… In all my ways to acknowledge Him??? Guess that means I can’t camp out in bed with the covers pulled over my head and a tub of cookie dough my companion. (-: Because if I can keep on keeping on, if I can continue to trust my God and follow Him and acknowledge Him, then He WILL direct my path… See, everything will be okay. Even if it doesn’t feel like it now… Even if it doesn’t look like it now… It will! He’s promised that it would be okay. And I do trust Him… I don’t understand Him, but I trust Him. (-:
Isaiah 41:10 “Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God; I will strengthen thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.”
What a perfect scripture for me! I do feel afraid! I do feel dismayed. I feel really weak and it’s funny cause I’m scared I might slip. Yet He tells me that it’s okay. He’ll hold me up… He tells me not to be afraid… Because He is God! He is MY God!! And He will never leave my side.
Strange how I felt more at peace when I had that crazy brain tumor then I do now. That was a situation of life and death, but this isn’t. No one is dying! It’s going to all be okay, and yet my heart feels so broken …
And again I’m faced with faith. Real faith. Not just saying that I have faith, but it’s actually time for the rubber to hit the road.
Once again it’s time for me to live out Proverbs 3:5-6. “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct they paths.” That is a beautiful scripture to say, but living it is a little harder… Trusting in God, in a plan that I can’t see or touch – a plan that I have no control over, isn’t so easy… Leaning not unto what I can see or what I can comprehend is hard… In all my ways to acknowledge Him??? Guess that means I can’t camp out in bed with the covers pulled over my head and a tub of cookie dough my companion. (-: Because if I can keep on keeping on, if I can continue to trust my God and follow Him and acknowledge Him, then He WILL direct my path… See, everything will be okay. Even if it doesn’t feel like it now… Even if it doesn’t look like it now… It will! He’s promised that it would be okay. And I do trust Him… I don’t understand Him, but I trust Him. (-:
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
I love being "in love"!!!!
As the rain steadily falls on the ground outside, I can't help but allow my gaze to wonder out the window and daydream about Him... The One whose love is as steady as this rain...
I've not always been in love with Him... Didn't even know it was really possible and even if it was possible, I was too busy trying to "hide" from Him... Sometimes I think that if I don't make eye contact with people, then they can't see me. Dumb, I know, but if I'm having a bad hair day or something, I find my eyes resting most comfortably on the ground. Just like a baby playing hide or seek, I feel like by covering my own eyes and vision - I'm covering up everyone else's too. Such has been the case with my relationship with God.
I've always known that I'm undeserving of His love, and sometimes "church" or other people would be quick to remind me of how many faults did riddle through me. Flaky and a failure, I never thought that He could love me and I was horrified at the thought of Him seeing me... Maybe like Eve in the garden, when she hid behind the cover of leaves...
But how delighted and awed I am that no matter how undeserving I may be, I am HIS and He loves me! I have been dirty and untouchable like Mary Magdalene; disobedient like Jonah; irrational and short on patience like Moses; blinded by doubt like Peter; maker of some pretty bad choices like Saul (aka Paul); simple and poor like Joseph; a strange misfit like Ezekiel; lonesome like Noah, BUT thankfully that doesn't make His love for me any less! In fact, knowing that I am undeserving and unworthy just reminds me of how incredibly wonderful He is!!!
Sometimes I've welcomed in a pity-party and sadly pointed out all my faults... I've blown up all my shortcomings so big that I've lost sight... I AM a failure! I AM sin-riddled, but I don't have to be guilt-ridden because He is above any fault and shortcoming that may be in me! His requirements aren't that I earn His love... They aren't that I be good enough to lie at His feet... He's better than that! He's so amazing that He is STILL God no matter who or what I am! AND HE LOVES ME! Certainly He wants the best for me, but His greatness and mercy isn't contingent on me at all!
So I gaze out the window and there is a slight smile on my lips as I think about Him... As I think about His unfailing love... As I rejoice in the fact that He will NEVER leave me and He will NEVER forsake me! I am His, and He loves me! Maybe He shouldn't. I mean, lots of people haven't or don't, but God isn't like anyone we know... He is GOD! His standards aren't even close to those of men!!! It's so hard to comprehend sometimes... Sometimes it would make more sense if I could neatly file Him into categories that I've learned from people, but He's just too grand to fit in any of them. (-; And man am I glad...
My Knight in Shining Armor... My Prince of Peace... My Savior... My Counselor... My Comfort... My HEALER... My Restoration... My Lord and My God... Oh!!! How I love You!!!
I've not always been in love with Him... Didn't even know it was really possible and even if it was possible, I was too busy trying to "hide" from Him... Sometimes I think that if I don't make eye contact with people, then they can't see me. Dumb, I know, but if I'm having a bad hair day or something, I find my eyes resting most comfortably on the ground. Just like a baby playing hide or seek, I feel like by covering my own eyes and vision - I'm covering up everyone else's too. Such has been the case with my relationship with God.
I've always known that I'm undeserving of His love, and sometimes "church" or other people would be quick to remind me of how many faults did riddle through me. Flaky and a failure, I never thought that He could love me and I was horrified at the thought of Him seeing me... Maybe like Eve in the garden, when she hid behind the cover of leaves...
But how delighted and awed I am that no matter how undeserving I may be, I am HIS and He loves me! I have been dirty and untouchable like Mary Magdalene; disobedient like Jonah; irrational and short on patience like Moses; blinded by doubt like Peter; maker of some pretty bad choices like Saul (aka Paul); simple and poor like Joseph; a strange misfit like Ezekiel; lonesome like Noah, BUT thankfully that doesn't make His love for me any less! In fact, knowing that I am undeserving and unworthy just reminds me of how incredibly wonderful He is!!!
Sometimes I've welcomed in a pity-party and sadly pointed out all my faults... I've blown up all my shortcomings so big that I've lost sight... I AM a failure! I AM sin-riddled, but I don't have to be guilt-ridden because He is above any fault and shortcoming that may be in me! His requirements aren't that I earn His love... They aren't that I be good enough to lie at His feet... He's better than that! He's so amazing that He is STILL God no matter who or what I am! AND HE LOVES ME! Certainly He wants the best for me, but His greatness and mercy isn't contingent on me at all!
So I gaze out the window and there is a slight smile on my lips as I think about Him... As I think about His unfailing love... As I rejoice in the fact that He will NEVER leave me and He will NEVER forsake me! I am His, and He loves me! Maybe He shouldn't. I mean, lots of people haven't or don't, but God isn't like anyone we know... He is GOD! His standards aren't even close to those of men!!! It's so hard to comprehend sometimes... Sometimes it would make more sense if I could neatly file Him into categories that I've learned from people, but He's just too grand to fit in any of them. (-; And man am I glad...
My Knight in Shining Armor... My Prince of Peace... My Savior... My Counselor... My Comfort... My HEALER... My Restoration... My Lord and My God... Oh!!! How I love You!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
