Tuesday, March 31, 2009


I just got a congratulations letter... I've been accepted into the nursing program this summer!!! It's going to be really hard, but it brings me one step closer to working again and that equals normalacy. Super excited!

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Dear God, I don't have much to say...

... but I just want to tell You that I love You. Your grace is sufficient and I thank You for it.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

So I praise Him...

It’s been no secret that I haven’t felt well in the past month or so. It won’t even surprise many that the constant headaches, neck pain, sleepless nights, and dizziness have caused me to be down in the dumps. While I think that it’s okay, normal even, to feel sad sometimes, Wednesday I sort of had a wake up call.

I’ve zeroed in on all the things that my current health status doesn’t allow. I’ve mourned all the things that I’ve temporarily “lost”. I’ve worried about the future and fretted about the present. All the things that I want for myself seem nearly impossible to achieve, and I find doubt as my latest companion.

But Wednesday night at church, a fellow brother taught. He talked about where the Holy Spirit dwells, and that is in our innermost being. Thinking of layers, the Holy Spirit is our core, with our soul wrapped around it, and emotions wrapped around that, and then our physicality wrapped around that. Lately, I have allowed my “layers” to completely overshadow the Holy Spirit living within me. Maybe I am sad right now. Maybe I do hurt. But that doesn’t change the fact that more than anything I desire for God’s glory to shine through me. I don’t want to be like a filthy window where the rays can hardly peek out. Instead, I want His glory to shine so brightly in me that there is no confusion that Christ lives in me.

I think lately when anyone has looked at me, my pain and discouragement has been the primary thing that I’ve displayed; yet that’s not at all what I want to display. No matter how I may feel, no matter what I may be going through, no matter the place I may find myself – God is still worthy and His love and grace should be shined upon all men. He is our hope and I am humbled at the opportunity to shine that love and grace to those around me.

So instead of dwelling so much on the negative parts of my current state, I will praise God for all the many blessings in my life. I praise God that I have a husband that cares about my every aspect of living and listens and wipes away every tear. I praise God for a mom that is my best friend and listens to me and loves me through it all. I praise God for children that are so smart and well mannered and that love me and think I’m great even though I’m really not. I praise God for the friends that I prayed for years to come, and He brought them along at just the right time. I praise God that although I am not able to work, He has provided Martin with enough income to financially take such wonderful care of us. I praise God that I have hope in Him when there are so many that are lost and don’t have a clue as to who He is and how great His love is.

And you know what’s even crazier? I praise Him for this tumor/surgery. I praise Him for the ability to honestly have empathy and compassion for others in my shoes. I praise Him that He’s allowed my circumstance to be a witness. I praise Him that being forced out of working has given me more time with my children. And I praise Him for all that He plans to do with this whole thing, because I don’t believe that He’s done yet. So I praise Him that He chose me and found me worthy of undergoing such a tragedy to shine His glory and touch the lives of others.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Thank you, Lord!

I woke up today feeling better than I have felt in well over a month! Not even sure what to do with myself, but I'm going to completely enjoy feeling good!!! I have a thought that I'd like to write down and share, but I feel too good to sit still! LOL

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Today's Neurology Appointment

Proverbs 21:23 “Whoso keepeth his mouth and his tongue keepeth his soul from troubles.”

With this scripture in mind, I will try to bite my tongue when sharing about today’s neurology appointment.

Surprisingly, I woke up today feeling better than I’ve felt in a long time. Now I didn’t say that I felt good, but just that I felt a lot better than I have in weeks. I slept better last night than I have in a long time, and I was just in pretty good spirits. The night before, Martin helped me prepare 3 pages worth of questions and observations we’ve had over this last month, so I felt prepared for my appointment and even excited at the thought of some answers and possibly some relief.

Unfortunately, I didn’t get either of those. The MRI that I’d had just days ago only included a scan of my brain. This is the part where I need to remind myself of the above scripture and bite my tongue, because the scan did not include my neck or any portion of my brain stem. So, much to my dismay, my neurologist had to make me yet another appointment for another MRI in which he very clearly stated that the scan is to include every inch of my spine with focus on the upper neck where the tumor fingers were once located.

So, I don’t know much of anything right now. He agrees that physical therapy is a wonderful plan of action and that, in time, I will see some relief from aggressive treatments. Currently my visits are only 3 days a week, but he may increase that to daily for a while. Oh what fun.

Basically, I don’t have any news to report. Today was sadly a waste of time since there wasn’t a complete MRI for us to study.

Martin and I have both been reading and thinking about Job a lot lately. I don’t compare to him at all, but one thing that does bring me comfort is that Job didn’t like his situation just like I don’t like mine. The Bible is sure to mention that he never sinned, but he did curse his own life and birth. Sometimes, I feel guilty for hating the place that my health has brought me, but there isn’t sin in that. As long as I don’t take my eyes off of God… As long as I don’t let go of the Hand that is holding me up…

Looking forward to the day...

This afternoon I meet with my neurologist and I have 3 pages of questions and other "stuff" written down for him!! He'll be blown away. LOL And I am so excited that you'd think it was Christmas or something!

Woke up today feeling a little better. I got more sleep last night, which is something to shout about! Not so stiff right now, and my headache is tolerable. Did break down and take a pain med last night, so that count has to start all over.

I was an entire day early yesterday for my physical therapy appointment, but my all-time favorite PT worked me in and worked on relaxing my neck muscles. I must admit, I felt pretty relaxed after that. Could have helped with the sleeping! I go back Thursday for the "rough" stuff and it's probably not gonna be too fun. But anything to get me better!

So I feel well enough that I'm thinking of taking a shower and heading over to Wal-Mart to grocery shop. My family would be beside themselves to open the fridge and actually see food! LOL

Monday, March 23, 2009

Thinking... just thinking...

Today's thoughts are on how often I took the simple little things for granted. Things like working out... I used to thoroughly enjoy working out and stairs! I've never really been a "kid" person and would purposely avoid crowds of kids just cause, but now I would give anything not to grit my teeth in literal pain when Lexi's soccer team scores and all the kids yell those loud shrieky yells... Sleeping a whole night through and then stupidly commenting around 4 in the afternoon at work how sleepy I was. HA! I've gone over a whole month now with very little sleep and I would give ANYTHING to feel how sleepy I thought I felt back then... And I would give anything to be at work again...

Tomorrow is my appointment with my neurologist and I've got a list written down for him! :-D

Friday, March 20, 2009

YAY!!!! Finally slept all night long!!

So I still have a headache this morning, but due to the beautiful way that God heard my cry - not only do I feel engulfed by encouragement, but I was also able to sleep all night long!! That's the first time pain hasn't woken me up in nearly a month!!! YAY!!!!

Thursday, March 19, 2009

There is more on me than what I can bare, but that's okay because He can handle it...

It never ceases to amaze me the way that God talks to me. For some odd reason, His voice seems to be the most clear when it comes through other people. At least that’s been my experience. It’s no secret that I’ve been feeling pretty bad now for about a month. This week I have been more discouraged than I think I’ve ever been in the last 16 months. Last night at church, I requested the body of Christ gather around me to pray for me. I just couldn’t “be strong” anymore, pain and lack of sleep and discouragement was starting to swallow me up.

Previously, I had stated that old familiar saying, “God won’t put more on you than you can bare”, but a friend reminded me that is not really true. Sometimes we face more than we can bear, and that’s how we are reminded that even though our problems may be too big for us, they are never too big for God. When we can no longer bare our situations, we truly rely on God because only He can bare them.

Today, I went to visit the graveside of a little friend of mine and ended up pouring out my heart to God. I won’t share all that I cried, but I did ask Him for something. I asked Him for a renewal of strength and for grace to accept my new life.

Job 2:10 has stuck with me lately because Job is quoted as making a statement that has been so profound to me this week. He was responding to his wife’s plea that he curse God and die. And he tells her, are we to accept the good from God and not the bad? How true that is… Often, we love all the blessings of God, but the second life is shaken up a little, we flip out.

So anyway, I’ve gotten off topic. So this morning I sobbed and sobbed. I think that I’ve grown accustomed to the headaches and the sleepless nights… It’s no longer a surprise when medical bills come each and every day… I don't mind that there are more doctor visits on my calendar than anything else. All that is okay with me, but I cannot accept this discouragement. And yet I am not strong enough to save myself from it. I need God. It’s funny, I’ve learned to lean and trust Him with things like our finances, yet I still felt like I am supposed to be strong and encouraged on my own. It seems so silly now. Doesn’t He call Himself the Comforter? Doesn’t He promise that He is our Shepard? And yet here I thought that I was tough enough to comfort myself. Crazy, I know!

I came home with the same headache that had me up since 2 a.m. this morning. No seas parted. No miraculous healing. But when I came home, I checked my mail. Instead of the unending medical bills, there were two cards from people that I have never ever met before. Both senders attend Sunday School with my mom and wanted to let me know that I was in their prayers. Such a simple little thing, and yet I cannot even express how those two simple cards offered me comfort.

Exhausted, I took my routine nap, and when I woke up, I still had the headache. But instantly I noticed that something was missing. That discouragement that had started choking the life out of me was gone.

Then, my husband came home and had a beautiful basket of flowers for me. Before I could say a word, he told me that some friends had sent them. As soon as I read the card, I knew he was right. Friends had sent them with a simple note that said, “Thinking of you.” They were from my three former managers. I haven’t worked in nearly a year, and yet they are my friends and they still care.

When I read the card with the flowers, I just cried and cried. Martin smiled and hugged me and I know that those gestures were God speaking to me and assuring me that He hears my cries. He heard my pleas earlier today and even if I don’t have the strength to keep on walking, He’s sent people my way for me to lean on. It reminds me of when Jesus was walking with the cross and He fell to His knees and another man picked up the cross for Him and carried it. Just like that man shared Jesus’ cross, others have stepped in to shoulder my burden.

You know, for those people that sent me those cards, I bet they have no idea how in line they were with God. I bet they had no idea that stepping out of the boat, and sending a card to someone that they’ve never even meant would be such an answered prayer. I bet the three women that sent me those beautiful flowers today had no idea that when I received them, I cried out all the discouragement that I’ve felt.

God didn’t burn any bushes to talk to me today, but His message was loud and clear. I can’t do this. And I don’t have too. Because He is my God and that means that He is my EVERYTHING. When I am weak, He’ll hold me up by sending along wonderfully obedient people for me to lean against as we (not just me alone) continue to walk each step at a time.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Self-check for me today...

Last night and this morning I've had a really hard time thinking of anything other than my brother. He is 5 years younger than me and deployed in the middle of this war... His job is sort of dangerous, and I just can't help but to keep him on my mind.

But as I was sipping my first cup of morning coffee, I got to thinking of how many other family members and loved ones out there are consumed with worry like I am. That woman that caused me to beep my horn out of frusteration yesterday could have been going 25 MPH in the "fast" lane because she was distracted on her cell phone with news about her child that is deployed... Maybe she was just talking nonsense, but maybe not. And instead of being sensitive to another person that might be going through just as much as my family is right now, I was impatient and completely insensitive.

You know, we have no idea what is going on in the lives of others. Take my mom for example. She has a son deployed overseas, and a daughter that hasn't been feeling the best. Add on any of the other stressers that life brings, and you just can't help but to feel sympathetic. But what if you didn't know all that? What if you were behind her in the grocery store line, her buggy full to the top, and when it came time to pay she suddenly realized that she'd forgotten her wallet at home. How would you react? Would you be annoyed? Would you mutter under your breath?

So that is my latest "self-check".

Monday, March 16, 2009

Monday Blues

Woke up this morning with a killer headache. )-: Plus is really gloomy outside... Not the best way to start a Monday. This calls for an extra cup of coffee!

Saturday, March 14, 2009

When God Doesn’t Answer

I’ve been thinking a lot today about where I am in life and where I’m not. I’ve been thinking a lot about the prayers and pleads that I’ve uttered in the past however-many months. I know that God is a healer. And yet though I have prayed for 16 long months now to be healed, still I haven’t been.

Earlier this week, I became very annoyed with myself and quite frankly, with God. I’m sure that no one else has ever felt annoyed with God before, but I will be honest and admit that I was thoroughly confused. I prayed, well, half yelled really, to God. I asked Him if He was a healer, then why oh why haven’t I been healed? If He is a prayer answering God, then why have my prayers gone unanswered? Maybe I had Him pegged all wrong, but something in me tells me that He is all power and all might…

And today, I think He answered me. After my little visit to the hospital Thursday, I am back to taking pain medication. I absolutely HATE taking pain medication because I hate how I feel. So, much to my husbands’ dismay, I will pop a pill and then stay up doing SOMETHING for as long as I can stand. Cleaning the kitchen, laundry, sweeping the floor, anything to keep from that drug from washing over me and making me a zombie. My mom is probably going to be as upset as my husband about that, but I can’t just lie around my whole life and do nothing.

So anyway, back to Him answering me. I cleaned Martin’s truck out today (that was the point of the little explanation above - ha) and started thinking about Bible Hero’s. First I thought about Joseph, probably because my Pastor has mentioned him a lot recently in church (see how wonderful it is to have a Shepard in tune with God). Joseph had it kind of rough. Genesis 37:5 tells us that his brothers hated him. That would be hard! I love my brothers and can’t imagine them hating me. I think that I would be devastated. But it didn’t stop there for Joseph. Genesis 37 goes on to tell us that his brothers stripped a cloak given to him by his father and then dumped him in a pit and sold him off to be a slave!

Now I’m about to use my imagination here, but I do know that Joseph had a relationship with God. I just can’t imagine him being cool with his brothers hating him, dumping him in a pit, and then selling him off to be a slave. Surely he prayed for God to soften the hearts of his brothers… I would imagine that he longed to have a good relationship with them and pleaded with God to make that possible. And yet, still they hated him, dumped him in a pit, and sold him. Now we know that it didn’t stop there for Joseph. Genesis 39 tells of how Joseph was bought by an Egyptian and made ruler of his house. Yet still he was a slave. Still his prayers seemed to go unanswered… If things weren’t bad enough, the Egyptian’s wife had the hots for Joseph and when he wouldn’t give in to her advances, she lied and had him thrown in prison. So here Joseph was hated by his brothers, stripped of his prized possession, thrown in a pit, sold as a slave, lied against, and thrown in prison. As Joseph sat behind those steel bars, I can only imagine what must’ve gone through his mind…

So – did God answer his cries? Did He hear Joseph’s sobs? I’ll leave that for you to answer…

Then I started thinking about Job. Job had it so rough, he even had a whole book written about him! First off, he lost his children and his property (or possessions). If that wasn’t enough, Job 2:7 tells us that Satan attacked his health. So then his wife talks crazy and three of his best friends talk crazy. Ol’ Job… Surely he was thinking, “God, are you still there?” In fact Job 17:1-3 reveals that Job prayed for relief. But chapters go by and Job still has it rough… Was God ignoring his prayers of relief??? Job 42:12 (NKJV) “Now the LORD blessed the latter days of Job more than his beginning…”

As you can probably imagine, I was already feeling pretty encouraged by just being
reminded of these two guys, but then God laid the whammy on me. And I thought about

Matthew 26:38-39 “Then saith he unto them, My soul is exceeding sorrowful, even unto
death: tarry ye here, and watch with me. And he went a little further, and fell on his face,
and prayed, saying, O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless
not as I will, but as thou wilt.”

So – did God just ignore the exceedingly sorrowful soul of our Lord?? It would have
made a great story if the soldiers came to arrest Jesus and suddenly angels baring
swords swooped in and slaughtered them all saving our Lord from his unjust arrest and
crucifixion… It would have made a great action packed story, BUT where would we be??? The blood that Jesus shed wasn’t fun. His flesh was not excited about the pain and the death it
would endure, and yet that blood was freely given to pay for our sins…

God doesn’t answer us when we think He should or how we think He should, but that
doesn’t mean that He doesn’t hear our cries and it doesn’t mean that He doesn’t answer.
What would have happened if God had given Joseph the answer that he wanted back in
Genesis 37:5. Just when he might have prayed for a better relationship with his
brothers… Before he was stripped, thrown into a pit, sold as a slave, falsely imprisoned,

Or what about Job? What if God gave Job the relief that he was looking for in the
first chapter of Job when he lost his children and possessions? Before his wife got all
crazy… Before his friends turned on him… Before his health was attacked…

And then, what about Jesus’ prayer? What if the cup passed from Him??? Where, oh where, would we be?

So I’m thinking that God reminded me of the “unanswered prayers” of these three to tell
me that He is a prayer answering God. He does hear my prayers, cries, pleas, moans, etc.
But just because He doesn’t answer me when I think He should and how I want Him too
doesn’t mean that He’s not answering…

And as I’ve been writing this all kinds of people have come to my mind… David, Sarah and Abraham, Paul, etc. He heard every one of them, just like He hears me and you and anyone that calls to Him… And we can all rest assured that He will answer because He ­is a prayer answering God.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Latest MRI Update

For a couple weeks now, my head and neck have been really hurting. They've actually been hurting so much that I was waking up in my sleep in pain. Also, I've noticed a lot of dizziness. But I kept "pushing through the pain", until this week when I had just had enough.

Monday I got pretty annoyed. Well, really I got VERY annoyed. Next Tuesday will be 16 months post surgery and still I'm having problems. I thought all this would be over by now and I have way too much to do. This pain is totally interfering with my life. Maybe I sound a little facetious, but I'm being honest. I've been slipping in school, having a very difficult time working out, and am so worn out once I get home that I feel like I'm a walking zombie – and I’m not even working!! I am 25 with a family and friends and goals and dreams and this is not part of my plan.

So anyway, Wednesday the pain was probably at its' peak this go 'round, and I got very down. I don't normally get discouraged, but by Wednesday I was just tired and hurting and tired of hurting. So mom and Martin got pretty concerned, and long story short - I ended up in the hospital yesterday. I had an MRI scheduled in 2 weeks anyway, so the doctor that saw me went ahead and ordered one last night. I normally despise MRI's, but this one took less than an hour, which is a record for me. Plus it's the first MRI that I was given a shot of Demoral before hand, so I was pretty relaxed and laying perfectly still wasn't too difficult.

My MRI came back pretty good (according to the radiologist, my neurologist is out of town until next week). The scar tissue around my scar is nearly gone, but in it's place are very weak muscles. I was told that my neck muscles are nearly too weak to hold my head up, thus causing the neck pain and headaches. So starting next week I'll be going back to physical therapy for neck strengthening and massages. The massages totally make up for the fact that I'll be back in physical therapy. (-: Plus I really like the physical therapy assistant that will probably be working with me again.

The doctor did confirm a fear that I've had and that is that this is my life. These "flare-ups" will most likely occur for the rest of my life. Lovely, right? But having that confirmed is only making me think, "Okay, figure out how to deal with this. If this is my life, figure out how to make it 'normal'." What I don't have to figure out is what God's up too. I may not enjoy this "trial", but I know that it's not in vain. I may not understand why He has given me this new life, but I trust Him.

I've heard a million times in the last year and a half "God won't put more on you than you can bare". At first, that sort of annoyed me. I mean, I'm feeling like the last 16 months have been PLENTY, but this morning I was thinking about that statement, and I started to feel very honored and humbled and had to apologize to God for feeling annoyed. He has put this all on me because apparently He thinks that I'm one tough cookie. Now I don't necessarily agree with Him, but since He's God - He's right. So He's allowing me to go through this because He knows that I can. And He's right, because I'll grip His hand and He'll lead me even when I can't see. He'll be my strength because I am so weak. For whatever reason, He has given me this obstacle and whatever the outcome, His glory will be shown. Thank you, Lord, for allowing me to be a part of that!

Romans 5:3-5 "And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; And patience, experience; and experience, hope: And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us. "

Monday, March 9, 2009

My God is MIGHTY!

When I was young, I remember telling people just how big and strong my Papi was. I remember saying that his muscles were as strong as mountains and that he could beat up The Terminator with one hand (I was a child of the ‘90’s, remember). There was nothing that my Papi couldn’t do. Now I know that I was exaggerating, but just like I looked up to my Papi, I look up to God. I cannot express how thankful I am to know and to serve and mighty God. And not only do I know and serve Him, but He is my Father!!!!

Duet 3:24 “ Lord GOD, thou hast begun to shew thy servant thy greatness, and thy mighty hand: for what God is there in heaven or in earth, that can do according to thy works, and according to thy might?” (The correct answer: NONE!! There is NONE like God!!! None that can do what He can do!)

Joshua 4:24 “That all the people of the earth might know the hand of the LORD, that it is mighty: that ye might fear the LORD your God for ever.”

Job 36:5 “Behold, God is mighty, and despiseth not any: he is mighty in strength and wisdom.” (Job said this!!! The Job that lost everything, endured sickness, was told to just curse God and die – but he didn’t because he knew that God is mighty no matter what life might throw his way!)

Psalm 24:8 “Who is this King of glory? The LORD strong and mighty, the LORD mighty in battle.”

Isa 42:13 “The LORD shall go forth as a mighty man, he shall stir up jealousy like a man of war: he shall cry, yea, roar; he shall prevail against his enemies.” (This scripture excites me because THE Mighty King of all Kings shall roar a victorious roar as defeats His enemies!)

Jeremiah 32:18 “Thou shewest lovingkindness unto thousands, and recompensest the iniquity of the fathers into the bosom of their children after them: the Great, the Mighty God, the LORD of hosts, is his name” (I feel some serious worship! God has shown me lovingkindness… The word ‘recompensest’ here means: to make peace; make amends; (bring) restoration. Whoo-hoo!!! He brings restoration!!! He is Great! He is Mighty!)

Luke 1:49 “For he that is mighty hath done to me great things; and holy is his name.”
(He is mighty and has done what??? He has done great things!)

Ephesians 1:19 “And what is the exceeding greatness of his power to us - ward who believe, according to the working of his mighty power,”
(Again, His mighty power was set into action and proving itself by works… and get this – His exceeding great power is to us!!! His mighty power is to me!!! Wow!)

So what does mighty mean anyway? According to dictionary.com, mighty is defined as showing superior power or strength; huge; exceptional.

I can’t help but to think of the hand of cards life has dealt to me. Granted, I certainly wouldn’t have chosen these cards for myself, but they’re what I was given. So I could have a defeatist attitude and say “Whoa is me”, and there are days that I feel that way, BUT when I remember that My God is MIGHTY!!!! I don’t have to have a pitiful attitude! There are days that I don’t feel like rejoicing. There are days that I don’t want to get out of bed, much less praise God for His mighty power, but He is mighty whether I feel like He is or not. Whether I agree that He is mighty, or whether I have a pity party – He is still exceptional! He is still huge!! He still holds all strength!!

I bet each of the writers of the above scriptures faced times when situations in their life almost seemed to overshadow His might, but they were able to take a step back and see the magnitude of His glory. And not just that, they knew that they had a mighty Daddy walking hand in hand with them.

And so do I. My Father is bigger than any situation in my life and He’s stronger too! I can cling onto His hand and know that my Daddy can beat up any obstacle I might face, even The Terminator. :-D

Friday, March 6, 2009

You are my EVERYTHING and I will adore You!

Everything: total; all

If you’ve been around Christians long enough, chances are you have heard someone proclaim that Christ is their everything. He is certainly my everything, but coming to that place where He’s all I’ve got and He’s all I need hasn’t come easy.

See, we have to come to a place of realization that our strength, wisdom, education, money, health, friends and family are nothing because everything we have and everything that we are comes from him. We have to become nothing to allow Him to be it all…

· Strength: Psalm 20:6 “Now know I that the LORD saveth his anointed; he will hear him from his holy heaven with the saving strength of his right hand.”
Just the strength in one of His hands is enough to save!....
· Wisdom: 1Corinthians 1:24-25 “But unto them which are called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God, and the wisdom of God. Because the foolishness of God is wiser than men; and the weakness of God is stronger than men.
At His most foolish point, God is still wiser than men!
· Education: Exodus 3:11 “And Moses said unto God, Who am I, that I should go unto Pharaoh, and that I should bring forth the children of Israel out of Egypt?”....
Moses was surely well educated – he was adopted by Pharaoh’s daughter, and yet he knew that he couldn’t rely on his own education…
· Wealth: Deuteronomy 8:18 “But thou shalt remember the LORD thy God: for it is he that giveth thee power to get wealth, that he may establish his covenant which he sware unto thy fathers, as it is this day.”
He gave power to get wealth (and He can take it away too).....
· Health: Jeremiah 30:17 "For I will restore health unto thee, and I will heal thee of thy wounds, saith the LORD;"
3 John 1:2 "Beloved, I wish above all things that thou mayest prosper and be in health, even as thy soul prospereth....."
So you know I had to list 2 scriptures for health, HA. But if He restores health, then obviously we have little control over some of our own health issues. And I know first hand that health can be taken away in a minute. I was young, “healthy”, never had any health problems – and then wah-lah! (-: But oh how sweet Jesus is that He WANTS me to prosper and be in health.
· Friends: Job 16:20 “My friends scorn me: but mine eye poureth out tears unto God.”....
· Family: Psalms 27:10 “When my father and my mother forsake me, then the LORD will take me up.” ....
Matthew 18:21-22 “Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.” ....
So your friends and family may scorn you. They may turn their back on you. They may sin against you, but

Deuteronomy 4:31 “(For the LORD thy God is a merciful God;) he will not forsake thee, neither destroy thee, nor forget the covenant of thy fathers which he sware unto them.”
God will never let you down.

It’s so easy to say that God is our everything, but is He really? In order for someone to be everything, they must be ALL (that’s by definition alone). Is He your all?? Cause if He is, then that means you are nothing... Are you cool with that?

Thursday, March 5, 2009

I try not to be aggrevated... really I do...

But sometimes, this ol' flesh just gets the best of me. I get tired of being in pain. I get tired of being sick. I get tired of saying and hearing, "Well, I/you probably shouldn't do ___________ because of your headaches... because of the surgery..." I'm 25! I want to be 25! I want to stay up late and wake up early and be sleep deprived like everyone else my age. I don't want to take 5-6 pills a night out of my nifty pill box designed for someone 3x my age. I want to go to the beach and swim in the ocean. I want to ride roller coasters and listen to my music cranked up loud. I don't want to spend anymore days/nights clutching my head in pain, or propped up on pillows because I can't move my neck. I don't want my children to see their mom crying, weak, and barely able to walk down the hallway. I want to be a "normal" wife for my husband and not have to depend on him to take the reigns when I'm having a "bad" day. I don't want to have 3 doctors, not including the 1 doctor that is my girlie doctor. I don't want to have MRI's scheduled on my calender like they are birthdays or something. And I don't want to complain about it. I try very hard to stay upbeat and positive, but some days it just gets the best of me. I think that's okay too. Apostle Paul got aggravated at the thorn in his side. Read 1 Corinthians 12:7-9. I don't know exactly what his "thorn" was, although I am lead to believe he battled health issues because he spoke of his "infirmities". But whatever the issue was, Paul asked God to take his "thorn" away three times. But God didn't because:
2 Corinthians 12:9 "And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me..."

So I know that things could be worse (they have been) and I know that I shouldn't feel aggravated, but I'm having a day like Apostle Paul was having where I'm just annoyed. So let me vent in peace. LOL

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Sometimes I just need to dwell in the shadow of the Almighty...

Psalms 91:1-2 He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust.

I could go on and on because today Psalms Chapter 91 is the perfect passage for me. If I can just crawl into that secret place and dwell there in the shadow of the Almighty... What peace can be found there! What a wonderful place of rest.

The Lord is my refuge! He is my protector from fear and doubt. I can envision him whipping out His sword and keeping those creeping feelings away from me. I trust Him with all that is within me because I know that He loves me. And even though He loves me, there are still some things that life throws my way that bring hurt. I can imagine that He's shed just as many tears over my pain as I have, but He's promised that He'll be with me every step of the way. And He has been.

I don't understand why I'm feeling this pain... But I choose to trust Him. I choose to trust that He is perfect and that no matter the outcome of my situation, there is a much bigger picture at stake here. I am merely a piece in this giant puzzle and He will place me in the perfect spot because that's who He is. He is perfect.

So God, thank you for loving me! Sometimes I think you must have me confused with someone else... Why waste your love on me? Don't You know how unworthy I am? But of course You do, because You are God. And that is grace. You love me no matter how unworthy I am. You are so wonderful because dispite of my bumps and bruises, You call me Your own!

Thank you for allowing me to be in Your hands. I might not be comfortable and I might be in pain, but it's such a relief to know that I am in perfect hands. How humbling to know that my life is just a piece of Your giant puzzle! Thank you for allowing me to be a part of Your plan, even if it means uncomfort for me. Because even though I might not be the most comfortable, You have graciously given me a place to rest. And so I will rest in your shadow.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Okay, so I've changed my mind!

My neck hurts today -bad. It's very stiff and if I even act like I'm going to move it, pain shots through my back and up through my skull. It's really a bummer too, because I have quite a bit of errands to run today. (-: Oh the joys of being human! LOL

Monday, March 2, 2009

My fellow brain tumor survivors - ever have these thoughts???

So yesterday was a normal day. Didn't feel bad. No headache. But suddenly all I could think about was my upcoming MRI and how I would tell people if the brain tumor came back. I wasn't sad or anything, just trying to figure out the best way to let people know. Is that crazy or what? I haven't even had the MRI yet, and no real reason to think that the tumor is back.

Tried mentioning my thoughts to my husband, but people think that I'm being negetive or that I'm depressed or something. Needless to say, he didn't want to talk about it. LOL I really don't think that I'm negetive and I don't think I'm depressed. Of course we are all trying to be positive about a clean MRI, but why do we have to ignore that the MRI might not be clean? And why does it seem like I'm the only one that can accept that as a possibility? And how come I have to be negetive just to acknowledge that there is just as good of a chance for a clean MRI as one that shows some growth...

Is there anyone out there that can relate?