Saturday, December 31, 2011

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord!

A few days ago, I was listening to a song that sang, "Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord…" I could use a bit of strength, so this got my attention and my wheels started turning. What, exactly, does 'wait' mean? If I sit around tapping my fingers will I gain strength? Hummm… I think not.

The next day after I heard this song, I read Isaiah 40 and verse 31 echoed the song that I had heard the day before, "But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." So again, I was left pondering and praying, Lord, teach me how to wait. And what is 'wait' really?

So I could get all theological and tell you what the Greek meaning of the word 'wait' is, but God spoke to me much simpler than that. Maybe because I'm a simple kind of girl. (-; I began to think of a waiter. What is a waiter's primary job? To serve you, right? They are to 'wait' on you. Before your water glass reaches the halfway mark, you expect your waiter to fill it. When you ask for something, say ketchup, you expect to get it. How would you feel if your waiter decided to go on a break in the middle of waiting on you? What if your waiter gave you the silent treatment? Or what if they got so busy, that they never once came to your table to take your order? Hummm…

Oh, and by the way, in case you are wondering the Greek/Hebrew word for wait is qavah and it means to wait or look eagerly for, to lie in wait for, to wait for, linger for, to collect, bind together. Obviously this sounds NOTHING like serving… Instead, this sounds like joining forces with God Himself!!! How exciting. BUT, think about it, how could you link up with Him if you weren't serving Him? When I defined serve, gave me the following definitions: perform duties or services for, wait, minister.

When I prayed 'teach me how to wait', I think He heard me! :-D Thanks, God!

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Happy anniversary to me!

‎4 years ago today God gave me a beautiful Christmas gift - a second shot at life. And He didn't give me just life, He gave me life more abundantly! Today is my 4th year anniversary that I have survived brain surgery!! The reports of my surgeons sounded grim... They told us how they had to stop cutting because brain and tumor became so entwined... The tumor was bigger than they thought... They told us to find long term care facilities to care for me... Told me I may never walk again. BUT who's report do YOU believe? :-D So glad that God love's me and that He is true to His word. Happy anniversary to me!

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Just figured something out about myself...

It's amazing how you go your whole life never knowing (or admitting) something about yourself and then suddenly a lightbulb goes off.

For as long as I can remember, my husband has told me that I was too hard on myself. My mom often quoted these same words. And yet, still, I have pushed myself... wrongly thinking that my drive came from... well, I don't even know! I just wanted to be good enough, do things right, ya know? But this week, some of my motivators slapped me in the face.

I've now been a nurse for 2 months. It's not anything like I imagined it would be... and not so much in a good sense, either. The work is hard, the hours long, and for 8 weeks now I have clocked out at night beating myself up for my failures of the day. Last week, I met with my boss who asked me if I was happy. I had to stop and think. I love so many things about what I'm blessed enough to do, and yet I hate the drowning feeling that I have every day. As we talked, she mimicked the words I've heard from my 2 best friends forever, and then said something that I wanted to instantly deny. She told me that I was a wee bit controlling.

I've never thought that about myself. I mean, I'm laid back and controlling sounds so... I don't know... mean? Surely I'm not mean, am I?? I'm almost 30 and still say ma'am and sir and don't ask others to do things that I could do (which translates in - I don't ask for help).

But a lightbulb went off and sure enough, my problem, the reason that worry is ALWAYS on the forefront of my mind, is because I am a control freak. Wow... Shedding light on something like that can be life-changing. I mean, if I'm doing something, I worry and fret so much for it to be perfect. No matter what it is! And what is it that I'm really worrying about??? My own abilities. And that's precisely where I'm struggling at work. My own abilities.

Worry like that can be smothering. Flipping through the catalouge of my life and I see where so many times I totally skip doing things because I'm afraid that I'll fail. I mean, really?

So here's the problem, where is my trust in God??? He led me through school, don't I know that He will continue to lead me? IF, I let Him. That's the thing. I have GOT to trust in the Lord with ALL my heart. ALL of it. And lean not to ME. It doesn't matter how hard I work, and it doesn't matter how short my lunch breaks are, it doesn't matter if I drive home crying every night, and it doesn't matter how many policies I read and try to memorize. My trust cannot be in myself. It just can't. That's why I'm drowing, because I am trying to rely on what I can do. And really... well, really, I am nothing. I can do nothing on my own, but with Him ALL things are possible.

I feel so liberated!!!!