Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Each week she meets with a ladies group. This week, a lady was talking about how every time you read your Bible, you are having a divine appointment with God. Sometimes we're guilty of reading our Bibles carelessly much like reading a magazine or the newspaper, but God desires this time to speak to us. To Him, this is a divine appointment! As the lady was talking, Mom prayed to God that she wanted to have these divine appointments.
When she was done praying, she opened her Bible and let it flip open. It landed open on Mattew 15:28. It says, 'Then Jesus answered, "Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted." And her daughter was healed from that very hour.'
Guess Mom had her divine appointment instantly, huh?!?!?! How specific was God??? I mean, first off, there are a gazillion scriptures in the Bible. Her Bible could have fallen open on one about someone who begot so-n-so. But no. He's taken notice of her faith!! And He's heard the prayers that she's had for me. But still... He could have chosen a million other scriptures about healing, but to be SO specific as to pick this one... This one that says, "And her daughter..." And here my Mom is praying for her daughter...
How awesome of a God do we serve??? PRETTY AWESOME!
And that lady at my Mom's Bible study was right. The Bible is an open invitation for me and for you and for whomsoever will to have a divine appointment with God. :-)
I've still be staying away from caffiene, eating healthy (or trying to), drinking lots of water, and doing moderate excercise. HOWEVER, I have stopped taking a medication that I have been on for about 3 years and I'm wondering if there is any coorelation? I feel pretty bad, and next week is my final in this nursing class so not good timing at all to be feeling bad. BOO! I want to hibernate, but I just can't afford to... I've GOT to study. No rest for the weary, eh? LOL
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
My health is been cooperating since he's been here. HOORAY! I've done some reading that chocolate and tea really trigger headaches, so much to my dismay I've cut them both out of my diet. I've also started Weight Watchers in hopes that eating healthier would help my headaches some. I'm happy to report that while I still feel pain every day, it's not bad enough to take pain medication every single day. HOORAY! That's my goal - just to get off the pain medication. Also, I've been able to walk 2 miles a couple days a week. That in itself is amazing. It wasn't too long ago that I couldn't get off the couch. Just the thought of imobilizing my head was painful. LOL
So my brother is home and my head is okay. You'd think it couldn't get any better, and yet it is. Just took the last test of this nursing class and made a 'B'. That means that I'm going into the final with a 'B' average. Galations 6:9 is so true!
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
When I was first getting better, I couldn't sleep at night and I would stay up chatting with my friend Cliff. There were many nights that we'd talk about our funeral's. It just dawned on me that really, I'd talk and he'd listen. Cliff was such a good listener. I know that sounds really strange, but I guess since death looked us straight in the face, and eventually took over his, it didn't seem so strange.
Since he's passed, I haven't really even thought anything about it, but going to the first funeral for the man that I grew up with yesterday just jolted back those memories. And so I'm thinking of how I'd like it to be. Is that weird? Today I e-mailed an old pastor and asked him one of my requests. When I told my husband, he laughed and said that people will think I'm suicidal! LOL
I know who I'd like to come preach my service and I'd like the song, "I Can Only Imagine" sang and "Bring the Rain" with a slideshow of pictures. I'd also like the song, "Oh, What A Day" sang (I'd like it sang when my ashes are scattered or at my graveside).
And I know funeral's are supposed to be really sad, but I would be so honored if Jesus felt welcomed to come and move in our midst. I'd love nothing more than if He did something amazing and beautiful. So beforehand, before the service, I'd really like for as many people that could to gather together and pray. Wouldn't it be so awesome if His presence was there waiting as family started filtering in?
I really would like to be cremated, but my family doesn't feel comfortable with that. So if I am to be buried, I do NOT want an open casket. I do not want anyone looking at me when I'm dead - even at the viewing. Call me vain, but I don't want anyone's last memory of me to be dead full of makeup in hopes of looking alive. I just think it's gross and weird.
If I am cremated, I'd like my ashes scattered. I'd like Martin to scatter them somewhere outside. Somewhere that I'd be happy. I trust his judgement - no one knows me any better.
BUT I really don't think that any of that will ever happen. Honestly, I think that Jesus will come back before I ever die. He's kept me alive when He could have easily let me go plenty of times before. It's just one of those things just in case. So many times people die and loved ones have no idea what they would have wanted. So now everyone will know just what I would want. :-)
Monday, October 11, 2010
My hubby went with me and was able to ask a lot of questions. I was proud that he didn't "attack" my DR, but he did express concern. When we left he told me that he learned a lot.
Patience is a virtue that we're learning, huh? LOL
Monday, October 4, 2010
Yesterday at church, Hosea was talked about. Hosea, ''The Weeping Prophet", Hosea. Hosea, the guy that God asked to marry a prostitute, Hosea. Hosea, the guy God asked to have children of unfaithfulness, Hosea. Hosea, the guy that God saw as a good guy but still asked to live a really heart-breaking life, Hosea. I must admit, as I was sitting through church I was thinking, "Oh God! Please, please please! Don't let me be like Hosea!!!! Don't be allowing me to endure this pain permanently! I don't wanna be a weeping anyone!" (-:
I will admit that I always thought of myself like the 3 Hebrew boys. Maybe God will deliver me, and maybe He won't, but either way - He's STILL God and I'm STILL going to serve Him. That being said, I never thought that my suffering would last so long! LOL I thought it'd be more briefly felt like that of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. Or even like that of Daniel and spending a night with lions. A night? *rolls eyes* That, I can definitely do! But THIS... Well, this hasn't been a night... or two... or a couple months...
And so there are times, many times lately, that I find myself crying and saying, "Oh Lord! I just can't do this! I'm too tired. I'm too weak. Can't I just be done?" But then I realize how right my prayers are. I can't do it. And I am tired. And I am weak. But thankfully, I serve a God that offers rest to the weary! I serve a God that is all strength! I serve a God that tells me to cast ALL my cares on Him (and He doesn't stop there) because He cares for ME!!!
Back to Hosea. So at first, I was a little discouraged. Hard to find THAT silver lining. Oh, but there is one. See, there was a reason that God asked for Hosea to live such a heart-wrenching life. Even though it's easy for our initial reaction to be, "What kind of a God would make a good man live such a terrible life?" The answer? A God with such unimaginable love that we can't even fathom. The first 10 chapters of Hosea paint such a vivid image of how sad God was that Israel totally turned away from Him... (And truthfully, some of it will step on your toes if you're not careful, at least it did mine!) But in Chapter 11... Oh it'll just rip your heart out. God remembers Israel so fondly. He speaks of the nation of Israel like is His own child. And He makes this statement in Hosea 11:9 "I will not carry out my fierce anger,nor will I turn and devastate Ephraim. For I am God, and not man — the Holy One among you. I will not come in wrath." Wow, how right was God when He said, I'm not a man. Cause after all that Israel had done, I would have wanted to come out with my head spinning around and eyes flaming.
So back to why God asked Hosea to be the "chosen one" to get to live a life mirroring the heart-break of God... because God saw that much in him. Hosea was a good guy. Good enough that God chose him to be a prophet of His beloved nation. Isn't that a humbling thought? The same can be thought of for those 3 Hebrew boys, or Daniel, or one of my all-time hero's, Job. God thought enough about these men to allow the trials in their lives...
So I'm guessing if you're going through things, like ALWAYS going through things, and you just can't pin-point why, maybe it's because God sees something in you that you don't see in yourself.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
I make it through the motions. Go to class. Smile at the right times. Answer when my name is called. But it's wearing me out. I'm so exhausted. So drained. My stupid head just throbs.
This is ridiculous.
And then, to make things just loads MORE fun, last week I noticed my left hand was numb. It's been numb all week. I haven't said a word to anyone. My mom would panic, and how many times have I been in the hospital with false alarms? My husband would freak out too and goodness knows that he's got more than enough on his plate right now. Already I feel overwhelmed with guilt at the way he's killing himself working so much overtime just so we can be finanicially "okay". He works 10-12 hour days 6 days a week praying that I graduate soon so he can finally take a breather and cut down his hours to be like a normal person. And all the while he comes home to find me curled up on the couch, asleep in pain, no dinner cooked, laundry behind, house a mess, etc.
Oh God, I know that there are people in this world with real problems, and yet this is real to me. I don't know if I'm strong enough to keep this going. I'm in pain. We keep trying different medicine and different doses and nothings helping. Now this numbness and I don't know if it's just in my head or what. I'm struggling in school but darn it if I can't study because I hurt so bad that I just sleep all the time, but I can't quit! My family's depending on me. I can't have my husband working like this forever!! I've become a horrible wife. I'm a terrible mother. I barely go to church. I shower only to put pajamas back on. I'm becoming depressed.
I know who You are. But trusting You without understanding You is becoming really hard. God, just please grant me the grace to continue on. Give me the strength to continue breathing. To not become overwhelmed. Help me, Lord, to cast all my cares on You. I believe that You care for me. No matter how silly and insignificant my whining may seem. If this is important to me, I know it's important to You. God, I know that You can heal me. I know that You can deliver me. BUT if You choose not to, I will love and serve You anyway. For You are my Creator! And even though I don't understand why You created me to have these headaches, I know that I am wonderfully and fearfully made. I know that You created me after Your image. You love me. You didn't allow me to face this out of anything but love. And I know that I am not walking this journey alone. For thou art with me... Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me... Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell, in the house of the Lord forever...
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Taking a much different approach in school this test. I've studied a whole lot less because I seem to over study (if that's possible) and then bomb the mess out of tests. I'll probably get the hang of this test thing at the very end of school! HA
My best friend is going through something really horrible right now and that's sort of had me preoccupied as well. God's really teaching me some things through this right now, none of which is easy. :-)
Anyway, I broke down and told my husband how mentally and physically exhausted I am. I think depression is trying it's best to lurk it's ugly head in the doorway of my heart as well, and I'm getting too weak to fight it alone. It's been great having his support. Now I know that I'm not a lone at the feet of Jesus crying out in desperation, I have my husband there beside me as well. I'm one lucky gal.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Faking smiles is getting exhausting. Trying to force myself to stay encouraged is getting exhausting. My kids just want to be kids and I catch myself cringing at the sound of their laughter because it just pierces my head like a dagger. My husband longs to talk to me about his life and I'm just so tired that I can barely focus. As for me, I've become a bore. All I have to talk about is the same ol' same ol'. Still feel crummy. Still struggling through school. Still barely holding on. *sigh*
Last week my neurologist switched me to Topamax. It has to build up in my system, so I don't know how it's working yet. I hate pills. I don't want to take pills. I just downed a handful of 5 pills before I sat to pour my heart out and I despise it. However, I've tried just tossing them in the bottom drawer and been 'non-compliant' but that just landed me in the hospital. Ugh.
I really don't want to complain. Really I don't. But I'm so tired. So tired. My head hurts so bad. I'm too young for this. Will I live like this forever? If so, God come quickly! Lately, I just keep thinking of the promise of heaven and how there will be no more pain... I can't even imagine a life pain free!!!
I'm trying to be strong. I'm trying to be positive and look on the bright side. But the bright side is getting a little hard to see right now...
I'm not doing so hot in school right now and I have to wonder if it's because of these headaches and medications and lack of sleep? However, I am absolutely positively determined that I will finish school. That stupid tumor has stolen a lot of things from me, but my degree will not be one of them. I just feel like that is one thing that I still have some control over, which really that's false. I don't really have control over anything. Something could happen tomorrow and put me out of commission. But it's good to dream! LOL
So, there's the crack in my little fascade. And even though I am so incredibly weak, I know without a doubt that He is so strong. God, let me snuggle up to You and find rest. Thank You that there is rest for the weary.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Thursday, July 15, 2010
We chatted on-line and kept up with one another's blogs, and he was like a God-send for me. While I'm blessed to have a wonderful support system around me, and a good relationship with God, there was just something different about being able to talk to someone else walking in my shoes. We'd talk about normal things like food or our kids, and then we'd talk about not-so-normal things like how we wanted our funeral to be. Sometimes I wouldn't be able to sleep and when I logged on-line, I'd see my friend. He kept me company when I was at my lowest, and we'd rejoice together when MRI's came back with good news (for either of us).
But through it all, I was the lucky one. His tumor was as tough as he was and just wouldn't go away. He struggled so much... It's amazing to me how much fight he had in him. And sometimes, talking with him and I'd feel guilty. Guilty that I complain about a stupid headache and being back on 3 medications when he fought to just breathe and took a million different pills. Guilty that I'm doing well, and he wasn't. Guilty that I can drive and walk and bathe myself, and he just couldn't. And I'd share that with him and he'd LOL me... And tell me that I shouldn't feel guilty because he was happy for me.
Gosh, it's so funny to be wiping tears off my face over a guy that I never even met... But I can't tell you how much I'll miss him and how much I wish he could've won his fight.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
I'm not "fun" right now. I hate having music cranked up, I avoid swimming (my favorite past-time of all) because I try to steer clear of the bright sunlight, and I don't have the energy to get off my couch. I must be the worst 27 year-old in history.
I got back to the neurologist next week. *sigh* We'll see?
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
I'm on a steriod (which I was NOT too happy about), and the same daily migraine medicine and night-time stuff. We've increased the dose in the night-time stuff, and I'm no longer waking up in the middle of the night with my head throbbing. While that's great, I don't want to have to take 3 different types of medicine every day just to function. Boo.
But things are over-all going well. School's great. My clinicals are awesome and the best part of my week! I'm getting more sleep each night and things are looking up. (-;
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Never even thought about migrains, but I was given some new meds. One of them is to help me sleep at night and it's definately done it's job. The last 2 nights I have slept better than I have in WEEKS. The rest has taken care of that confused/wobbly feeling. The other one is a headache medicine. (So we're just taking care of the symtoms, which made me pretty angry at first. I want to FIX whatever is wrong, not mask it.) The headache medicine is a little strong, so yesterday I only took it when I got home (at 5 in the afternoon) - meaning I had a massive headache all day.
Like the crazy person that I am, I've decided to still tackle school. I was in class for 8 hours yesterday, and it was hard but I did it. So yay for me. Today I feel like a "fighter" and I feel a surge of strength that I didn't have a couple weeks ago. So hooray for not letting sickness over-power me, rob me, or cheat me out of anything. I'm gonna kick it's tail and then laugh at it. Just cause I can. (-:
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Yesterday I tried making it all through the day without pain medication to get myself ready for classes, and I haven't taken anything yet, but I'm going to have too. This stinks. Wwwaaaa! LOL
Neurology appointment still looms in a couple weeks. A couple weeks?!?!? Will I make it a couple weeks? And then, what if there is nothing "wrong"? How will we "fix" this then??? Maybe I sound worried, but I really think that I'm just more frusterated.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Another pretty annoying symptom has been trouble urinating. That may be TMI (too much information), but it's true. While I feel the urge to void, it has been very difficult to actually go. Then once I start, I can only seem to get little spurts out and never really empty my bladder. Very aggravating.
The headaches have also started back. It's hard to describe, but my entire head hurts. Anywhere you see hair on my head is pretty much where my headache is. It feels almost like a lot of pressure... Almost as if my head is too heavy for my neck to hold up.
On top of all that, I feel a little foggy. You know that feeling you get when you take Nyquil right before you fall asleep? That confused drugged feeling? That's how I feel - constantly. Strange, right?
Other things that I've noticed is a lack of balance. I've stumbled, fallen, or walked into walls quite a few times recently. Short-term memory loss (although I've battled this for years now since the surgery). Shortness of breath, or panting, after very minimal exertion (like showering). Blurred vision. In fact, I've noticed this for a couple months now and even went to have my eyes checked because of it. But eye sight was fine.
Hummm... I think that's all. Surely that's enough! LOL
The little bit of research that I've done is enough to try to scare me to death. When I had the surgery to remove the bulk of the tumor in my cerebellum, the surgeon informed me that there were "fingers" left in my brain stem. Looking at websites and different studies on brain stem defects and I've been experiencing majority of the symptoms listed. Of course I'm sure any physician would shudder at any patient trying to self-diagnose, and I really am trying my hardest not to worry - just curious.
Really, I don't feel as worried as I feel really aggravated. This is REALLY inconvenient. I start back to school in 2 days!!! And it's nursing school at that! It's 10 hour clinical days and 6 hour lecture times. I do not have time to be feeling bad.
As a bonus, my neurologist moved out of state, so I have an appointment to see a new neurologist June 8th. Fun. (-:
Saturday, January 23, 2010
So, after 40 long years of wondering, the children of Isreal came across... THE PROMISE! I'm sure you know the story. The promise was actually a promised land. Joshua sent out 12 spies to take a look at the land and it's inhabitants. They came back and said, "We came unto the land whither thou sentest us, and surely it floweth with milk and honey; and this is the fruit of it. Nevertheless the people be strong that dwell in the land, and the cities are walled, and very great..." Numbers 13:27-28 And they went on to say, "And there we saw the giants, the sons of Anak, which come of the giants: and we were in our own sight as grasshoppers, and so we were in their sight." Numbers 13:33
So 10 of them came back saying, "Oh man!!! There are giants in this land! Guess we should just keep on looking cause this land is filled with HUGE people that are bigger and stronger than us. The city is well protected and great. We don't stand a chance."
I've heard a lot of sermons preached on these 10 spies... But one thing is true: they weren't wrong. Those 10 guys might have been a lot of things, but they weren't liars. The land WAS full of giants. There WAS no way that they could overtake such big dudes. THEY weren't strong enough. THEY weren't big enough. THEY couldn't do it.
Oh but 2 of those 12 knew something else. (Numbers 14:6-9) They saw the same giants and they knew their own incapabilities, but they also knew that they had a "secret weapon". They had God on their side! A God bigger than even those giants and stronger too. A God that said, "The things which are impossible with men are possible (for me). Luke 18:27" They had the God of the impossible!!
So I have to look at my life. I'm not wrong - there are things that are just too big for me. I'm not smart enough. I'm not strong enough. I can't do it... But that's okay because greater is He that is in me... There are some looming giants in my land, but I have an even bigger God walking right beside me each step of the way. And the wonderful thing? He is EVERYTHING that I'm not! He IS smart enough! He IS strong enough! He can do ALL things! And He's right beside me...
"Joshua 1:9 - Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the LORD thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest."