It never ceases to amaze me the way that God talks to me. For some odd reason, His voice seems to be the most clear when it comes through other people. At least that’s been my experience. It’s no secret that I’ve been feeling pretty bad now for about a month. This week I have been more discouraged than I think I’ve ever been in the last 16 months. Last night at church, I requested the body of Christ gather around me to pray for me. I just couldn’t “be strong” anymore, pain and lack of sleep and discouragement was starting to swallow me up.
Previously, I had stated that old familiar saying, “God won’t put more on you than you can bare”, but a friend reminded me that is not really true. Sometimes we face more than we can bear, and that’s how we are reminded that even though our problems may be too big for us, they are never too big for God. When we can no longer bare our situations, we truly rely on God because only He can bare them.
Today, I went to visit the graveside of a little friend of mine and ended up pouring out my heart to God. I won’t share all that I cried, but I did ask Him for something. I asked Him for a renewal of strength and for grace to accept my new life.
Job 2:10 has stuck with me lately because Job is quoted as making a statement that has been so profound to me this week. He was responding to his wife’s plea that he curse God and die. And he tells her, are we to accept the good from God and not the bad? How true that is… Often, we love all the blessings of God, but the second life is shaken up a little, we flip out.
So anyway, I’ve gotten off topic. So this morning I sobbed and sobbed. I think that I’ve grown accustomed to the headaches and the sleepless nights… It’s no longer a surprise when medical bills come each and every day… I don't mind that there are more doctor visits on my calendar than anything else. All that is okay with me, but I cannot accept this discouragement. And yet I am not strong enough to save myself from it. I need God. It’s funny, I’ve learned to lean and trust Him with things like our finances, yet I still felt like I am supposed to be strong and encouraged on my own. It seems so silly now. Doesn’t He call Himself the Comforter? Doesn’t He promise that He is our Shepard? And yet here I thought that I was tough enough to comfort myself. Crazy, I know!
I came home with the same headache that had me up since 2 a.m. this morning. No seas parted. No miraculous healing. But when I came home, I checked my mail. Instead of the unending medical bills, there were two cards from people that I have never ever met before. Both senders attend Sunday School with my mom and wanted to let me know that I was in their prayers. Such a simple little thing, and yet I cannot even express how those two simple cards offered me comfort.
Exhausted, I took my routine nap, and when I woke up, I still had the headache. But instantly I noticed that something was missing. That discouragement that had started choking the life out of me was gone.
Then, my husband came home and had a beautiful basket of flowers for me. Before I could say a word, he told me that some friends had sent them. As soon as I read the card, I knew he was right. Friends had sent them with a simple note that said, “Thinking of you.” They were from my three former managers. I haven’t worked in nearly a year, and yet they are my friends and they still care.
When I read the card with the flowers, I just cried and cried. Martin smiled and hugged me and I know that those gestures were God speaking to me and assuring me that He hears my cries. He heard my pleas earlier today and even if I don’t have the strength to keep on walking, He’s sent people my way for me to lean on. It reminds me of when Jesus was walking with the cross and He fell to His knees and another man picked up the cross for Him and carried it. Just like that man shared Jesus’ cross, others have stepped in to shoulder my burden.
You know, for those people that sent me those cards, I bet they have no idea how in line they were with God. I bet they had no idea that stepping out of the boat, and sending a card to someone that they’ve never even meant would be such an answered prayer. I bet the three women that sent me those beautiful flowers today had no idea that when I received them, I cried out all the discouragement that I’ve felt.
God didn’t burn any bushes to talk to me today, but His message was loud and clear. I can’t do this. And I don’t have too. Because He is my God and that means that He is my EVERYTHING. When I am weak, He’ll hold me up by sending along wonderfully obedient people for me to lean against as we (not just me alone) continue to walk each step at a time.
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