So I praise Him...

It’s been no secret that I haven’t felt well in the past month or so. It won’t even surprise many that the constant headaches, neck pain, sleepless nights, and dizziness have caused me to be down in the dumps. While I think that it’s okay, normal even, to feel sad sometimes, Wednesday I sort of had a wake up call.

I’ve zeroed in on all the things that my current health status doesn’t allow. I’ve mourned all the things that I’ve temporarily “lost”. I’ve worried about the future and fretted about the present. All the things that I want for myself seem nearly impossible to achieve, and I find doubt as my latest companion.

But Wednesday night at church, a fellow brother taught. He talked about where the Holy Spirit dwells, and that is in our innermost being. Thinking of layers, the Holy Spirit is our core, with our soul wrapped around it, and emotions wrapped around that, and then our physicality wrapped around that. Lately, I have allowed my “layers” to completely overshadow the Holy Spirit living within me. Maybe I am sad right now. Maybe I do hurt. But that doesn’t change the fact that more than anything I desire for God’s glory to shine through me. I don’t want to be like a filthy window where the rays can hardly peek out. Instead, I want His glory to shine so brightly in me that there is no confusion that Christ lives in me.

I think lately when anyone has looked at me, my pain and discouragement has been the primary thing that I’ve displayed; yet that’s not at all what I want to display. No matter how I may feel, no matter what I may be going through, no matter the place I may find myself – God is still worthy and His love and grace should be shined upon all men. He is our hope and I am humbled at the opportunity to shine that love and grace to those around me.

So instead of dwelling so much on the negative parts of my current state, I will praise God for all the many blessings in my life. I praise God that I have a husband that cares about my every aspect of living and listens and wipes away every tear. I praise God for a mom that is my best friend and listens to me and loves me through it all. I praise God for children that are so smart and well mannered and that love me and think I’m great even though I’m really not. I praise God for the friends that I prayed for years to come, and He brought them along at just the right time. I praise God that although I am not able to work, He has provided Martin with enough income to financially take such wonderful care of us. I praise God that I have hope in Him when there are so many that are lost and don’t have a clue as to who He is and how great His love is.

And you know what’s even crazier? I praise Him for this tumor/surgery. I praise Him for the ability to honestly have empathy and compassion for others in my shoes. I praise Him that He’s allowed my circumstance to be a witness. I praise Him that being forced out of working has given me more time with my children. And I praise Him for all that He plans to do with this whole thing, because I don’t believe that He’s done yet. So I praise Him that He chose me and found me worthy of undergoing such a tragedy to shine His glory and touch the lives of others.