It's Sunday today, which means church for my family this morning. Church these days causes such a mix of feelings in me. Currently, I feel further away from God than I think I ever have. My prayers and my cries have gone unanswered for so long, nor have I heard His voice in so long, that I feel as if I'm in the middle of a desert... stranded... wandering around in circles... starving... reminiscing of streams and thinking I might see a mirage - my only chance of hope.
For the past several months, I've just been on autopilot. But I'm angry. I try not to be... I don't want to be... And there are times that I THINK I might be over it, but then is said or done and the anger just resurfaces. And I'm angry with God.
Strange how I feel some comfort in my anger. I could only be angry at someone that I have (had???) a relationship with. And yet I'm angry with Him because I feel like I never knew Him??? I feel confused. I feel lost. I feel as if a deep dark fog has settled over me in that desert.
But yet I still choose to believe one thing... "You are who You are, no matter where I am!"
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