Tuesday, January 27, 2009

These "side effects" will pass, right?!?!?

Friday morning I woke up feeling fine. I headed out for the yard to do some yard work that has been neglected for ages. Caleb and Sadie happily played all around me, and at lunch time we all decided to come in for a break. That's when it hit. Like a frieght train, suddenly my head felt like it was going to explode and I slumped onto my bed fearing that I was going to pass out.

Every day of my life, my head hurts. Most days are tolerable and I've gotten used to the aches, which is good since I had never before really had headaches and thought that I would NEVER get used to them. But still there are days when the pain in my head is paralyzing. And Friday happened to be one of those days. Caleb brought me the phone and I called Martin to tell him how badly I felt. Caleb crawled in bed beside me and we laid there for hours. I cried while he fell asleep.

It's been well over a year since surgery, and yet still I have "bad" days. They aren't nearly as frequent as before, but it's really hard not to get frusterated. I try really hard to be everything that I was before, but the truth is that sometimes I'm just not. I am back in the gym working out consistently to build up my stamina and I've been trying to shorten the length of my daily naps. I'm in school forcing my memory to grow and move that memory loss to the side.

Yet still I have to remember that as long as it's been, I'm still recovering. Martin, my kids, and my doctors are quick to remind me that I have to take things easy and I still have to recognize that even though I am a 25 year-old woman, I am recovering - and having such a major surgery won't go away overnight.

So as I laid in the bed Friday, clutching my head with tears rolling down my face, I thanked God that I am recovering. It's taken a lot more time than I ever would have realized, but I am getting better. And even though sometimes I hate the symptoms that I struggle with, I don't love God any less. If anything, I love Him all the more.

I'm not anything like Job was, but there is one thing we have in common. I don't just love God for what He can do for me (like the devil had suggested when speaking to God about him). I love Him because of who He is and because He first loved me.

And so even when there are days that my head hurts so much that I physically can't move; and even where there are days that my mind is confused and feels in a fog; and even when I have to make an effort to remember simple details and instructions (and still sometimes fail) - I love my God. So there! *sticking my tongue out* I can and will praise Him in this storm...

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