P.S. - I love you...

So a friend recommended that we rent the movie "P.S. - I love you..." I knew that the movie was about a young couple and that the husband dies, but that's all I knew. Tonight my husband and I watched it and had one of those nights...

The couple wasn't in their 30's yet (like us); the man was this girl's first kiss and love (like me); he was sort of carefree (like me) while she was organized and detailed (like Martin); and the kicker - HE DIES OF A BRAIN TUMOR. Lovely. If I had've know that was how he died, I wouldn't have watched it. But I'm glad that I didn't know and that I did watch it.

Anyway, when I was so sick, and knew that death was just as much a reality as living was, I wasn't scared for me. I wasn't afraid to die and I wasn't afraid of what would happen to my kids if I died because Martin is wonderful and because my mom is wonderful. Granted, I don't want either of them to grow up without a mom and I love them fiercely, but I know that they would be okay. What did scare me, was what would happen to Martin.

I don't think that Martin would sink inside of himself and never shower and lose his job and never get out of bed. I know he'd keep chugging on for our kids, but what scares me is that he'd forget to smile. Martin has a smile that stretches across his entire face and when he looks at you and smiles you can see his eyes dance with sparkles. When he laughs, like truly laughs, nothing is more beautiful and you have to laugh too because you just have too. But if I were to die, and he was sad, what if he stopped laughing???

In the movie, that was his fear for her, and it's exactly what happened for that first year. She forgot to smile. She stopped laughing. I didn't just cry, I sobbed and at moments told Martin that I just couldn't watch anymore... Now I know that it's normal to mourn and there are some days that will just be sad, but not forever. No one deserves to feel their heartbreak in two each and every morning.

I did have surgery that removed most, if not all, of the tumor cells in my brain. My chances are very good. However, some of the tumor had spread into my brain stem and those are the hardest cells to reach. We are keeping a close eye on them. But just in case, if something happens, I want him to smile. I want him to be happy. I love him and he deserves to laugh until his sides ache.

We aren't really great about talking about "the tumor" because... well, we just aren't. So here is my public declaration: Martin, don't mourn forever. Laugh baby, for me. Smile, for me. Keep living, for me because you love me and because I love you.