Sometimes I have wondered if I stay sick because of something I have, or have not, done. At this point, I am too weary to have faith. I guess I feel that if I haven't been healed at this point, I never will be. The money I owe to doctors and hospitals is overwhelming, never mind what I pay each month for medicines. I am mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically exhausted and the 'fight' that I once had left a long time ago.
But today I thought about God's grace. I thought of how it is not contingent on me. He is good no matter how weary I am. He is good if I'm a 'fighter' and when I feel overwhelmed. He is good just because that is who He is. I don't have to earn His grace and I don't have to worry about losing it.
God created me and knew just what I could tolerate. He knows that I am only a human and He knew ages ago that after 6 years of pain and no relief in sight, I would be weak, weary, and faithless. Another thing that I remembered is that even though I can't hear Him... even though I feel as if I've been walking in the wilderness forever... my prayers are NOT bouncing off the sky. I believe with everything I have left that He is a tear collector.
On another note, last night I dreamt about tornadoes. I have once heard that dreaming of tornadoes means that you feel you have lost control. How fitting is that! I have no control over my health and how I feel. I am terrified to commit to anything because I don't know how I'll feel hour to hour, much less days in advance. I feel as if I have no control over any of my dreams, or goals, or plans. Shoot, I don't even have a personality anymore!