It never ceases to amaze me how "real" dreams can seem. The emotions that they can muster up feel more real than so many feelings we feel while we are awake. And yet, dreams are so fleeting and usually completely forgotten within hours or days of filling our minds.
Last night, I dreamt that the brain tumor was back. I was older, but not at all old, and I remember so vividly lying in the hospital bed... I remember the feel of the stiff sheets against my skin and the sterile smells floating through the room... And most of all I can remember the grim faces of my mom and my husband.
I was dying, and I was completely aware of that fact, yet I felt no fear. Maybe because I've already faced that monster. Maybe I was just too drugged up to feel anything. I find the latter hard to believe though because I did feel. I felt sad that my mom would have to bury her only daughter and I felt sad to be leaving my husband and my two beautiful children. Yet the feeling that was the strongest was joy!
There I was, dying in a hospital room, and joy was racing through my veins. Joy because I had come to know and fall in love with my Savior. Me! Unworthy pitiful little me... Joy because while my life has been like any other with its' ups and downs, it has been full of wonder and amazement! Joy because my crazy split up family is MY family and somehow God has restored all the many cracks and thinking of them causes love to surge through my heart. Joy because I have been lucky enough to find and marry my very best friend. Joy because of every laugh that I've laughed and every smile that I've smiled. Joy because I was chosen to care for the two most beautiful most perfect children in all of creation.
And when I awoke from my dream, it left me feeling so grateful for every reason that I have to rejoice out of sheer joy. Is life perfect? Oh of course not. But there are so many reasons to dance! And that is exactly what I'll do. I will dance for all the joys in my life!
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