Wow

So the strangest thing happened to me on Thanksgiving night. We had enjoyed turkey and laughter with some of our friends, and come home to decorate for the Christmas season. Joyfully, I cranked up the Christmas music and strung lights on my tree. I decorated my mantle and placed my little snowmen throughout the house.

I was too tired to add the ornaments to the tree, so I just laid down on the couch and watched the awe the beautiful lights on the tree - and then it happened. I had a breakdown.

Like a crashing wave, I was suddenly bombarded with memories of the bleak holiday we'd had last year. I would watch the lights then too as I dozed in and out of a drug induced sleep. I'd watch the lights on the tree as tears of pain would stream down my face of all hours of the day and night. Suddenly it just dawned on me how sick I really was, and how horrible of a sight it must of been for my children and my husband. I don't remember the things that I must have said or did, but I know that I could have said or done some horrible things out of pain and the effects of my pain meds. I can't remember when my husband took the tree down, and I can't remember the presents that the kids ripped open on Christmas morning.

So I laid there feeling sorry for myself, which is pretty dumb since I am nothing like that this year. And as I laid there sobbing, my husband came in the room and held me. And he said, "Jess, you are fine now. We made it through that. Let's rejoice and be glad that God saw us through". And you know what, he's right.

I have always said that I felt like God would use my brain tumor/surgery for someone else, and maybe that hasn't happened yet or maybe it has. All I do know is that I trust in Him. There was some sort of reason that I experienced that, and in the end it will be used for His glory.