Memories

I have got to be the luckiest girl alive because I have the wonderful opportunity to celebrate Christmas on the other side of the continent. Initially when my dad invited us to join him out in California, I was just looking forward to seeing him and all of my family. Well, now I'm still looking foward to seeing everyone, but I'm looking forward to making new memories this Christmas.

As the first anniversary of my brain surgery creeps up, I seem to be remembering (almost reliving) the agony of last year. At this time last year, I was still being bounced from doctor to doctor not knowing what was wrong, but I was experiencing a lot of pain in my head and back and my left side was slowly getting increasing numb. The numbness was spreading like a horrible rash. First in my foot, then my finger tips, my hand, and my face. I remember thinking that I was going crazy and I didn't tell anyone exactly how severe my symptoms were.

I was in school last year, and gearing up for finals. I can remember how studying was impossible because of the headaches. I was taking two classes then, and when I sat down to take the finals, I knew that I wasn't prepared. I remember the feeling of overwelming anxiety swallowing me as I sat uncomfortably in my desk trying my best to ease the pain in my back. I can remember fighting back tears of frusteration. I know that the only reason that I passed those finals was because God stepped in. I can almost visualize Him slowly sitting in my desk and putting His hand around my sweaty hand that gripped the pencil. And blindly He began answering the questions for me. And because of His help, I passed.

The night of Thanksgiving this year, when I stared at the lights on my Christmas tree, I sort of freaked out. All the events of last year just came like a crushing wave and I could barely breath. If that was hard, I can't imagine how Christmas would be. So instead, I have something to look forward too! I'm looking foward to traveling and visiting my family. I'm looking forward to a BREAK away from here.

I think that our decision to spend Christmas away might have offended some of our family's that are here, and I am sorry for that. But at the same time, have some sensitivity! I nearly died last Christmas. It was horrible. And when I didn't die, I prayed for death because the pain I was in was something so horrible I can't even describe. I almost started feeling guilty about our trip, but you know what, I deserve it. I think that I earned it.

I want us to have happy memories and I don't want any of us to think about last year. I don't want my kids to remember seeing their mommy crying, slurring, and confused. I don't want them to remember seeing my walker in the middle of the living room. I don't want Martin to remember handing me TONS of medications, or remember me screaming out at him in pain and confusion.

I just want us to have a Merry Christmas. And each of us deserves that.

So there was my vent for today. Martin says that he thinks blogging and journaling is theraputic for me. I think he's right. (-: