And so I wait...

For Valentine's, my husband and his buddy, Chris, whisked me and Haley off to Savannah for a night. It was absolutely everything that I have always imagined it to be - rich in history, breathtakingly beautiful, and just perfect. Our trip was fantastic: we walked everywhere we wanted to go, soaked in tons of beauty and history, took fantastic tours, and stayed up way past my "curfew". And even though it was well worth it and I'd do it again in a heartbeat, I've definately paid for it the last two days.

I felt great during the trip, which was such a relief! But yesterday and today I've just felt exhausted, wobbely and slow, and my heads been hurting. When we got in the truck to come back home, ice cream cones from Leopold's in hand, Chris popped in a CD and the song that played couldn't have been more perfect. It's from John Waller titled "While I'm Waiting". If you've seen 'Fireproof', you'll recognize it from that movie.

These words perfectly match the words in my heart. "I'm waiting on You, Lord, though it is painful, but patiently I will wait...While I'm waiting, I will serve You. While I'm waiting, I will worship. While I'm waiting, I will not faint... I'm waiting though it's not easy, but faithfully I will wait... I'll be running the race even while I wait... I'll be taking every step in obediance... "So God, even though my head is splitting in pain, even though the pain is enough to keep me awake at night and grimacing during the day, even though I don't understand why I'm still going through this 15 months post-surgery, even though it isn't easy to keep on going - I am waiting on You... I will continue to put one foot in front of the other out of obediance... I will not faint...

I will worship and serve You because no matter how I might feel, You haven't changed. You are still God. You are still good and majestic and holy and pure. You are still righteous and true to Your word. You are by my side through every smile and each tear. You are faithful, and so I will be too, Lord. I am hopeful... And so I wait.

To church or not to church - that is the question...

I took Martin to work this morning (6 am on a Saturday - that's true love), and as is our normal custom, we talked all the way to his work. Lately it seems the theme of our conversations has been the number of people that either talk directly to us or that we overhear discussing how hypocritcal churches, and even Christians, are. Several of our family members and friends no longer attend church due to this very reason. Sadly, there is some truth to their complaints.

First of all, churches are made up of people. Christians are people. All people have flaws. Romans 3:23 "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God". I think sometimes we hold authority figures in the church and even lay people of the church to a higher standard. Yes, Christians should strive daily to live Christ-like lives, but all have sinned. Now don't think for a second that I am condoning such sin because as a Christian, we should lead repented lives. Job 36:10-11 "He makes them listen to correction and commands them to repent of their evil. If they obey and serve him, they will spend the rest of their days in prosperity and their years in contentment". My point is just that none of us are without sin and shouldn't be so quick to judge. John 8:7 "But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." I, for one, am far from being blameless, so I choose to keep my stone casting to myself.

Secondly, there is a disturbing warning that God gives to us. Acts 20:30 "Even from your own number men will arise and distort the truth in order to draw away disciples after them." Martin and I have certainly heard these complaints from people. It is so unfortunate to hear of corupt churches, pastors, or saints. But sadly, it should not come as a shock because God warned us that some would be corupted. And maybe it's not so much shock as it is hurt and disappointment. We don't expect certain people to let us down, but sometimes it happens. However, it is important to remember that while people may have let us down, God has not.

With this being said, what is the answer? Stay away from churches? Hummm... Did you know that there are 80 verses in the Bible that instruct believers to assemble together. Many use the arguement that the church is within them and not a building or assembly. Some say that assembling themselves can be done with Bible Study's or even friendships with other believers. That is 1/2 right. Our body is His temple. 1 Corinithians 6:19 "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own". However, my question is this:

• Mathew 18:17 "And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector." Tell who?? Tell me, tell you, tell an individual? Or tell an assembled group of believers?
• Acts 2:47 "And the Lord added to the church daily those who were being saved." Was I added to? You? Or and assembled group of believers?
• Acts 16:5 "So the churches were strengthened in the faith, and increased in number daily." Since this is plural here, is it saying that I was strengthened and increased in number? Or you? An individual maybe? Or an assembled group of believers?
• Romans 16:1 "I commend to you Phoebe our sister, who is a servant of the church in Cenchrea" Whoa - Who was Phoebe? A servant of the church. A servant of mine or yours or another individual? Or a servant to an assembled group?
• 1 Corinthians 1:2 "To the church of God which is at Corinth" To whom?
• 2 Corinthians 1:1 "Paul, an apostle of Jesus Christ by the will of God, and Timothy our brother,To the church of God which is at Corinth, with all the saints who are in all Achaia" I think this is pretty self-explanitory...

In the NKJV, there are 120 mentions of the word "church" both in the Old and New Testiments. I think I've made my point clear that I don't think the answer is to stay away from church. Do you know what I think the answer is? I think it goes back to John 8:7. Galations 6:1-5 " Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself. Each one should test his own actions (not test the actions of someone else - look at yourself). Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else (Wow. Without comparing yourself to anyone else. Sounds like a warning to be careful not to cast stones to me), for each one should carry his own load. "

I've said all that to say this, I agree that some have fallen off their pedestools and that there have been some churches and some Christians that have been corupt, but we are not to focus on the mistakes of others. We are to keep our eyes on God and we are to test ourselves. Matthew 7:4-6 NIV "How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye."

So don't let a few bad apples spoil the bunch. All churches are not corupt. All people that call themselves Christians are not hypocrits. All churches aren't on autopilot barely living "good" lives. Maybe it's been hard to find people that really love God with their whole hearts, or maybe you've been discouraged and stopped looking, but they are there. Trust me.

And in the meantime, a challenge to all of us that strive to be Christ-like: test yourself like the Book of Galations instructed. Study and examine yourself, your intentions, and the way you come across to others. Find your weaknesses, not the weaknesses of others, but your own. And as instructed in the Book of Matthew, remove your "plank". Once you have, then you can help (not hurt, not condemn, but HELP) you fellow brother.

"I am lost for more to say..."

Isaiah 6:3 And one cried unto another, and said, Holy, holy, holy, is the LORD of hosts: the whole earth is full of his glory.

Revelations 4:8 And the four beasts had each of them six wings about him; and they were full of eyes within: and they rest not day and night, saying, Holy, holy, holy, Lord God Almighty, which was, and is, and is to come.

The angels surrounding the throne of God constantly cry “Holy, holy, holy” unto the Lord. Yesterday I was thinking about them (the angels) and thinking of how they know that He is great just by looking at Him. They’ve never actually experienced His holiness for themselves, but they look at Him and see His goodness radiating from Him...
And then I was thinking of how I’ve actually experienced His holiness first-hand. I remember where I used to be; the things I used to do, way I used to feel, and the darkness that threatened to drown me. So tainted and dirty, I could easily let shame from my past sweep over me. And yet He delivered me! Changed me! FORGOT all the horrible things back there!! ....
Isn’t He so good? I mean, it would’ve been incredible for Him to just change me, or deliver me, but to forgive and forget too??? That His eyes could even look on me with love when He shouldn’t even be able to look in my direction at all because He is so pure and I’m just not… I’m just awed… I am awed that I AM His daughter and that He is my Father… Awed that He believes in me enough to have made a way possible for me to get another chance… That He laid down His very life for me?!?!?!?!
Gateway Worship sings a song called, “Beautiful”. There’s a line in it that says, “I am lost for more to say…” That perfectly pegs how I feel. I’m not sure if I can even entirely wrap my head around how beautiful He is, and I definitely don’t even have words to describe the way I feel about Him and why I feel the way I do about Him… But I’m so incredibly grateful for the glimpse of Him that causes my eyes to well up with tears every time I think about Him and my heart to skip a beat when I think about Him.

Recently, a friend asked me how I was able to keep my faith in God after being through so much (already) in life. I didn’t really have any words to give, but as I think about it, how could I not??? Of course I have faith in Him!!! He’s so incredibly amazing… Maybe I have been sick… maybe I have looked death in the eyes… maybe some days are full of pain… maybe there are times when I don’t understand… But I don’t even deserve LIFE, much less to be able to clutch His hand through those times. Already, He’s done so much for me…
And when I am sick; or when I do have a stare-down with death; or when I am in pain; or when I don’t understand – I just hold His hand and He squeezes it to remind me that He will NEVER leave me and NEVER forsake me. I don’t know why! He should. If He was anything like me, He would’ve never even glanced twice in my direction. But thankfully, He’s nothing like me and even though it goes against my understanding, He loves me still.

Ouch )-:

My neck has been really stiff the past couple of days and I'm wondering if it has something to do with the cold? We've had a freezing cold front move through and it's colder here than it has been all year... Last time my neck was stiff was when we came down from the mountains in California after playing in the snow. It was cold then too...

I see my nuerologist next month though and schedule my next MRI. Those two will give me some more answers.

I do feel better today though, which is great since tonight's Bible Study and tomorrow my husband runs his first 1/2 marathon. :-D

Ah-ha Moment

This morning I was doing ordinary household chores and for some reason I started thinking about "the headaches". I don't know why that's what my mind settled on because I don't have a headache today (I mean, I have a headache every day, but today I don't have "the headache"). I was remembering week before last when I thought I was going to black out in pain when "the headache" hit me like a freight train. I remembered my desperate pleas to God and my questions over why, 14 months post-surgery, this was still going on. And suddenly, as I was loading the dishwasher, a thought passed through my head. Over and over I kept hearing, "I know the plans I have for you..." I knew that those words were spoken to me by God because 1. I certainly don't understand what's going on and 2. I wouldn't think in the first person (I mean, when I think about myself I say things like "I know my plans").

I wasn't like in the floor sobbing or anything. Just talking to God while I loaded the dishwasher. So after I finished up my chore, I looked up the scripture running through my head to see exactly what it promises.

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Don't think that I can follow that promise from God with anything even close to adequate. I'll just say that I hardly ever, well never really, understand what He's up to, but I trust Him. You know why I trust Him? Because He loves me. I know He loves me.

Relationship -VS- Religion

I woke up thinking about how much my relationship with God has changed over the last 21 years (yep, I've been "doing this" for that long). For a long time, my relationship with God was so unhealthy. For starters, I likened Him to some of the other male figures in my life, and that wasn't so good. My relationship with Him was a lot like the relationship a battered wife has with her abusive husband. Not that God's at all abusive, but I made Him that way.

Being "saved" came with a checklist (to me). I would constantly worry and fret over that ridiculously long list of things that I could do and things that I couldn't do. I'd worry that the slightest mistep would lead me straight to hell and tried desperately to earn my way into heaven. Since the list was so long and impossible, I'd focus more energy on finding shortcuts and pushing the limits than I did actually knowing God. Honestly, I don't think that I wanted to know Him. That long list of rules and regulations made Him seem kind of mean, and instead of seeing His grace and mercy, all I could see was that huge inflated list. Romans 3:23 (NIV) "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God..." That's a relief! Everybody sins! James 3:2 (NIV) "We all stumble in many ways..."

Trying to live up to this long list of rules and regulations for "being saved" came with a cost.

1. I became judgemental. Instead of looking at my own heart and putting my focus on straigtening out my own issues, I found great joy in pointing my finger at others. I can remember thinking, or even saying, "Well So-N-So does ____________." Or "I saw So-N-So at such-n-such." Much easier to look outside of yourself at others downfalls than taking a look within...
2. I lived life on the edge. I would do whatever I could get away with and still stay inside that little box of regulations. I didn't know God at all, but I knew a lot about "the rules" (or LAWS as Jesus put it). Matthew 3:7 (NKJV) "But when he saw many of the Pharisees and Sadducees coming to his baptism, he said to them, "Brood of vipers..." That's pretty hard-core, Jesus calling someone a viper! The Pharisees and Sadducees knew the law. They were hard-core on the rules (more than I was). They knew how to look good and speak well and on the outside they looked holier-than-thou (and so did I). Oh but on the inside... Well, let's just say that's where I hid my "junk" (and I'm guessing that they had some "junk" hidden there too). Now it's important to remember that we can't just throw the rules, or laws, away. Matthew 5:17 (KJV) "Do not think that I came to destroy the Law or the Prophets. I did not come to destroy but to fulfill." However if we are so busy worrying ourselves with rules of serving God, we can totally miss God, just like the Pharisees and the Sadducees did.
3. This is how I made God an abusive Father. I worried that if I fell, if I messed up on one of those rules, He'd "spank" me. I worried that if I stubbed my toe and a bad word slipped out then a bus ran me over before I could slip out a quick, "God, forgive me", I'd go straight to hell. "Serving Him" seemed so hard! And I guess it was. Romans 3:23 already lets us know that everybody falls short. Everybody messes up. But in my mind, since I couldn't put nice little neat checks by all of those rules, then I'd just rather duck out all together and not have to worry with putting checks by any of them. I was totally missing what it's all about...
4. So sadly, the final price of my checklist was burn out. And who wouldn't burn out? That list of can's and can't's was so long that I couldn't even see the end of it. Constantly worrying if I could do this or that was exhausting. And justifying why I could get away with some things or pouting when I didn't feel like I could get away with others just wore me out. And so I dropped out.

Thankfully, the story doesn't stop there! Once that religion was out of my system, God introduced Himself to me and initiated something that I had never know before - a real true relationship. Like any relationship, ours has taken some hard work. Sometimes, it hurts. He wants me to be as open to Him as He desires to be with me. I'll be honest, that's a little scary. Being totally raw and vulnerable takes me casting off my covering of pride. He doesn't care how well I look on the outside. He's not fooled by what I say. He sees inside of me at all the "junk" and you know what? He loves me still! Isn't that mind boggeling?

Did you know that there are more than 350 scriptures in the Bible that speak of God walking or talking with people? Did you know that there are more than 500 mentions of Him hearing cries and prayers? Wow... So when your tears fall silently on your pillow and you think you're crying yourself to sleep all alone, He sees. When your heart cries out in confusion or hurt or whatever, He's listening.

So something odd happened when I chunked that list of rules out the window and just focused on getting to know Him. Things started changing. Not because I wanted a ticket to heaven; not because I feared a spanking from God; not because I wanted to have those nice little check marks. Things in my life started changing because I started falling in love with Him. The more I fell in love with Him, the better I wanted to be.

It's like a relationship in the natural. I'm in love with my husband. There are things that make him happy. He's happy when dishes don't pile up in the sink. He's happy when I don't scream or nag. He's happy when I don't max out every credit card we have on new shoes. And I want to make him happy because that's what makes me happy. My desire to leave dirty dishes piled in the sink, or act like a maniac, or put us in debt because of a shoe fetish pales in comparison to my desire to see him happy.

So it is with God. I love Him. I can't bear the thought of Him looking at me with disappointment. I don't want to make Him sad. And the closer I draw to Him, the more He shares things in my life that we can tackle together. I no longer worry about getting a ticket to heaven; or getting a spanking from God; or having check marks next to an invisible list. Instead I just want to walk as close to Him as I can. I want to sit at His feet and listen to His voice soothe over me. I want to hold His hand and smile knowing that He's always with me.

And so I have joyfully tossed religion aside and built the most beautiful relationship with God. And that relationship has brought some "religious" aspects along. Remember, He didn't come to do away with the law. He came to fulfill it. And by getting to know Him, those laws are not only fulfilled, but they finally make sense. I no longer do things because I have to. I do them because I want to. And that is awesome.

These "side effects" will pass, right?!?!?

Friday morning I woke up feeling fine. I headed out for the yard to do some yard work that has been neglected for ages. Caleb and Sadie happily played all around me, and at lunch time we all decided to come in for a break. That's when it hit. Like a frieght train, suddenly my head felt like it was going to explode and I slumped onto my bed fearing that I was going to pass out.

Every day of my life, my head hurts. Most days are tolerable and I've gotten used to the aches, which is good since I had never before really had headaches and thought that I would NEVER get used to them. But still there are days when the pain in my head is paralyzing. And Friday happened to be one of those days. Caleb brought me the phone and I called Martin to tell him how badly I felt. Caleb crawled in bed beside me and we laid there for hours. I cried while he fell asleep.

It's been well over a year since surgery, and yet still I have "bad" days. They aren't nearly as frequent as before, but it's really hard not to get frusterated. I try really hard to be everything that I was before, but the truth is that sometimes I'm just not. I am back in the gym working out consistently to build up my stamina and I've been trying to shorten the length of my daily naps. I'm in school forcing my memory to grow and move that memory loss to the side.

Yet still I have to remember that as long as it's been, I'm still recovering. Martin, my kids, and my doctors are quick to remind me that I have to take things easy and I still have to recognize that even though I am a 25 year-old woman, I am recovering - and having such a major surgery won't go away overnight.

So as I laid in the bed Friday, clutching my head with tears rolling down my face, I thanked God that I am recovering. It's taken a lot more time than I ever would have realized, but I am getting better. And even though sometimes I hate the symptoms that I struggle with, I don't love God any less. If anything, I love Him all the more.

I'm not anything like Job was, but there is one thing we have in common. I don't just love God for what He can do for me (like the devil had suggested when speaking to God about him). I love Him because of who He is and because He first loved me.

And so even when there are days that my head hurts so much that I physically can't move; and even where there are days that my mind is confused and feels in a fog; and even when I have to make an effort to remember simple details and instructions (and still sometimes fail) - I love my God. So there! *sticking my tongue out* I can and will praise Him in this storm...