On the verge of a panic attack...

Today hasn't been a great day for me.

First, I'm feeling upset because I only have 2 weeks left at a job that I absolutely love. Even though I went back to work (with the okay from my dr) in February, I ended up getting sick again in March. The tumor didn't grow back (thank goodness), but the area where the tumor used to be was full of fluid that wasn't wanting to drain and causing infection. That caused some of my same symptoms to return (headaches, loss of mobility, and left side numbness). Against the doctors wishes, I returned back to work about a week later. I still work part-time, and that is causing a problem. Ever tried cramming a full-time job into a part-time one? Doesn't work!

So I resigned from my job. Mostly because my family was suffering and it stresses me out not to be able to do all the things at work that I once did...

That decision has been very bitter-sweet. We've downsized vehicles; used our stimulus money to pay off bills; and my husband got a promotion at work. I'm looking forward to spending the summer with my kids and focusing on myself. I should be grateful that even though we'll be sacrificing, there is a way for me not to work right now. But I'm sad too.

I love my job and would never been in this position if it weren't for that stupid brain tumor...

Secondly, today has sucked because my confusion affected someone else. A friend at work was having a bad day. I thought I'd cheer her up by having lunch together. We decided to meet at the resturaunt. I waited and waited and waited. Then ordered my food. Then realized that I had gone to the wrong place and I had picked where we would go!!!! Of course being the only person in the world without a cell phone, I had no way to get in touch with her. Great!

Of course I've noticed myself doing "crazy" things like that... I've gotten dressed only to realize that I'd only shaved one leg. I have a hard time grocery shopping and ALWAYS forget something even though I now have a list with me. I've washed laundry only to realize that I didn't put any laundry soap in the washer. Things that don't seem horrible to anyone, but for me it gets really frusterating.

Thirdly, I'm feeling anxious today because the stupid brain tumor had fingers in my brain stem. What does that mean exactly? I was told that radiation might be necessary if the tumor re-grew in my brain stem. I thought that was because surgery sucked, but now I'm thinking surgery is really hard there??? I've also been reading that a tumor in the brain stem isn't very good... Too make me worry more, I have read very little positive reports about anyone surviving a second "attack".

So today kind of sucks.

And although my family is wonderful, sometimes I feel so all alone... When I'm forgettful, they try to play it off. If I worry, they just tell me not to worry (as if the thoughts can escape me that easily). And with my decision to quit working, they try to be encouraging by reminding me of all the positive things I have to look forward to.

But I know that my mind isn't quite right. I know that I'm going to miss working and I'll miss my co-workers and I'll miss that "normalacy". I know that I wish I had of never had a brain tumor. And I know how bad life will be for so many people if the tumor ever comes back...

I try not to be morbid. But I find myself thinking about my own funeral arrangements. I find myself wondering what my kids will do without me. I find myself wondering how long it would take my husband to move on.

And I think that I'm just being realistic. I feel like I am... Oh I just wish there was someone out there that has been where I'm at and would talk to me...