So still not feeling well. At all. Can't get in to see the neurologist until the 27th. Blah. Anyway, Saturday I got to spend the day in and out of conciousness on the couch. It was really quiet lovely. :-( It was my poor kids last weekend before school started, and I couldn't even pick my head up off the couch. And when I did utter something, it was something grumpy like, "Stop being so loud!" or "My head's going to explode!" or even "I wish I'd just die". (I know, I know, it's shocking that I said such a thing! LOL)
In my moments of cohesive thinking, I was feeling something of a pity party. What a bummer to spend an entire day off wrapped in my own world wanting to saw my head off. How sad to be missing out on living LIFE. I could go on, but I'm beginning to hear violins... (-; Waa, waa, waa.
So, Sunday, I was determined to go to church. Woke up still not feeling good, but well enough to pick up my head and take a shower. However, my head did throb enough to feel the need to prepare for the hundred or so people that would all talk at once and the music that would play and the clapping... oh the clapping... My preparation meant a pain pill.
And so in marched my lovely little family. The service was all about miracles, something that I firmly believe in. Some might find that funny, here I am, sick, and yet still totally believe in healing. Yet I do. I have been healed before. And I do believe that God can heal me again. But I'll save my "realism" thinking for just a second.
So the service was great, loud, but great. Afterwards, a lady was walking out and grabbed me and said, "Don't you just feel so much better?! You've been prayed for missy." Now I know that the appropriate response would have been a simple 'thank you' followed by a polite smile. But I'd taken those pain medicines earlier and I'm choosing to blamed them because like word vomit out popped, "No. No, I really don't." She looked at me sort of shocked and then argued with me! She said, "Oh sure you do!!" All I could do is think of myself laying on the couch Saturday... And how at that very moment, my head was pounding and I was griping the pew in front of me because I had no balance. My head hurt so bad it felt like my brain was trying to escape from my skull, and yet here this woman whose name I couldn't even remeber because I can't seem to remember anything right now was trying to argue with me and tell me that I did in fact feel better? So, maybe a little rudely, I replied something to the effect of, "No. I feel awful. Maybe one day God will answer our prayers and touch me, but thus far, my headache's remain." And then I just turned stumbled away.
Of course now I feel wretched. Obviously she was expecting me to tell her how fantastic I felt. But that would have been a lie. BUT... would that have been faith??? I don't think faith is lying... I think faith is saying, listen God - THIS is where I am, but this is where YOU can take me... Right? Here's for the realism part, He may or may not. And that's not lack of faith, that's just real. He didn't heal everyone in the Bible, and He may or may not heal me.
So, in the meantime, I've just got to get a grip! Lashing out on poor unsuspecting souls isn't in my charator and only makes me feel bad. Sure, I'm annoyed, but it doesn't help them to understand and it doesn't make me feel any better.