Is this weird?

This week there are 2 funeral's for people that I love. One is for a man that I have grown up with in church. Another is a dear friend's mother.

When I was first getting better, I couldn't sleep at night and I would stay up chatting with my friend Cliff. There were many nights that we'd talk about our funeral's. It just dawned on me that really, I'd talk and he'd listen. Cliff was such a good listener. I know that sounds really strange, but I guess since death looked us straight in the face, and eventually took over his, it didn't seem so strange.

Since he's passed, I haven't really even thought anything about it, but going to the first funeral for the man that I grew up with yesterday just jolted back those memories. And so I'm thinking of how I'd like it to be. Is that weird? Today I e-mailed an old pastor and asked him one of my requests. When I told my husband, he laughed and said that people will think I'm suicidal! LOL

I know who I'd like to come preach my service and I'd like the song, "I Can Only Imagine" sang and "Bring the Rain" with a slideshow of pictures. I'd also like the song, "Oh, What A Day" sang (I'd like it sang when my ashes are scattered or at my graveside).

And I know funeral's are supposed to be really sad, but I would be so honored if Jesus felt welcomed to come and move in our midst. I'd love nothing more than if He did something amazing and beautiful. So beforehand, before the service, I'd really like for as many people that could to gather together and pray. Wouldn't it be so awesome if His presence was there waiting as family started filtering in?

I really would like to be cremated, but my family doesn't feel comfortable with that. So if I am to be buried, I do NOT want an open casket. I do not want anyone looking at me when I'm dead - even at the viewing. Call me vain, but I don't want anyone's last memory of me to be dead full of makeup in hopes of looking alive. I just think it's gross and weird.

If I am cremated, I'd like my ashes scattered. I'd like Martin to scatter them somewhere outside. Somewhere that I'd be happy. I trust his judgement - no one knows me any better.

BUT I really don't think that any of that will ever happen. Honestly, I think that Jesus will come back before I ever die. He's kept me alive when He could have easily let me go plenty of times before. It's just one of those things just in case. So many times people die and loved ones have no idea what they would have wanted. So now everyone will know just what I would want. :-)

Nothing exciting to report

Went to neurologist today. Increased Topamax dosage to 50 MG and added a stronger pain medicine. I had misunderstood and thought that my DR thought I had migrains, but he doesn't. He just think it's chronic vascular headaches. *sigh* That sounds about right.

My hubby went with me and was able to ask a lot of questions. I was proud that he didn't "attack" my DR, but he did express concern. When we left he told me that he learned a lot.

Patience is a virtue that we're learning, huh? LOL

Are YOU "The Weeping Prophet"?

Yesterday at church, Hosea was talked about. Hosea, ''The Weeping Prophet", Hosea. Hosea, the guy that God asked to marry a prostitute, Hosea. Hosea, the guy God asked to have children of unfaithfulness, Hosea. Hosea, the guy that God saw as a good guy but still asked to live a really heart-breaking life, Hosea. I must admit, as I was sitting through church I was thinking, "Oh God! Please, please please! Don't let me be like Hosea!!!! Don't be allowing me to endure this pain permanently! I don't wanna be a weeping anyone!" (-:

I will admit that I always thought of myself like the 3 Hebrew boys. Maybe God will deliver me, and maybe He won't, but either way - He's STILL God and I'm STILL going to serve Him. That being said, I never thought that my suffering would last so long! LOL I thought it'd be more briefly felt like that of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. Or even like that of Daniel and spending a night with lions. A night? *rolls eyes* That, I can definitely do! But THIS... Well, this hasn't been a night... or two... or a couple months...

And so there are times, many times lately, that I find myself crying and saying, "Oh Lord! I just can't do this! I'm too tired. I'm too weak. Can't I just be done?" But then I realize how right my prayers are. I can't do it. And I am tired. And I am weak. But thankfully, I serve a God that offers rest to the weary! I serve a God that is all strength! I serve a God that tells me to cast ALL my cares on Him (and He doesn't stop there) because He cares for ME!!!

Back to Hosea. So at first, I was a little discouraged. Hard to find THAT silver lining. Oh, but there is one. See, there was a reason that God asked for Hosea to live such a heart-wrenching life. Even though it's easy for our initial reaction to be, "What kind of a God would make a good man live such a terrible life?" The answer? A God with such unimaginable love that we can't even fathom. The first 10 chapters of Hosea paint such a vivid image of how sad God was that Israel totally turned away from Him... (And truthfully, some of it will step on your toes if you're not careful, at least it did mine!) But in Chapter 11... Oh it'll just rip your heart out. God remembers Israel so fondly. He speaks of the nation of Israel like is His own child. And He makes this statement in Hosea 11:9 "I will not carry out my fierce anger,nor will I turn and devastate Ephraim. For I am God, and not man — the Holy One among you. I will not come in wrath." Wow, how right was God when He said, I'm not a man. Cause after all that Israel had done, I would have wanted to come out with my head spinning around and eyes flaming.

So back to why God asked Hosea to be the "chosen one" to get to live a life mirroring the heart-break of God... because God saw that much in him. Hosea was a good guy. Good enough that God chose him to be a prophet of His beloved nation. Isn't that a humbling thought? The same can be thought of for those 3 Hebrew boys, or Daniel, or one of my all-time hero's, Job. God thought enough about these men to allow the trials in their lives...

So I'm guessing if you're going through things, like ALWAYS going through things, and you just can't pin-point why, maybe it's because God sees something in you that you don't see in yourself.

Dear God, can You hear me?

The headaches are no better. It's getting hard to stay positive with this constant roaring in my head. Pain meds and the Topamax only seem to quiet the roar, but it's still there... always there... It wakes me in my sleep. It keeps me awake at night. I hate it. I honestly, literally hate it.

I make it through the motions. Go to class. Smile at the right times. Answer when my name is called. But it's wearing me out. I'm so exhausted. So drained. My stupid head just throbs.

This is ridiculous.

And then, to make things just loads MORE fun, last week I noticed my left hand was numb. It's been numb all week. I haven't said a word to anyone. My mom would panic, and how many times have I been in the hospital with false alarms? My husband would freak out too and goodness knows that he's got more than enough on his plate right now. Already I feel overwhelmed with guilt at the way he's killing himself working so much overtime just so we can be finanicially "okay". He works 10-12 hour days 6 days a week praying that I graduate soon so he can finally take a breather and cut down his hours to be like a normal person. And all the while he comes home to find me curled up on the couch, asleep in pain, no dinner cooked, laundry behind, house a mess, etc.

Oh God, I know that there are people in this world with real problems, and yet this is real to me. I don't know if I'm strong enough to keep this going. I'm in pain. We keep trying different medicine and different doses and nothings helping. Now this numbness and I don't know if it's just in my head or what. I'm struggling in school but darn it if I can't study because I hurt so bad that I just sleep all the time, but I can't quit! My family's depending on me. I can't have my husband working like this forever!! I've become a horrible wife. I'm a terrible mother. I barely go to church. I shower only to put pajamas back on. I'm becoming depressed.

I know who You are. But trusting You without understanding You is becoming really hard. God, just please grant me the grace to continue on. Give me the strength to continue breathing. To not become overwhelmed. Help me, Lord, to cast all my cares on You. I believe that You care for me. No matter how silly and insignificant my whining may seem. If this is important to me, I know it's important to You. God, I know that You can heal me. I know that You can deliver me. BUT if You choose not to, I will love and serve You anyway. For You are my Creator! And even though I don't understand why You created me to have these headaches, I know that I am wonderfully and fearfully made. I know that You created me after Your image. You love me. You didn't allow me to face this out of anything but love. And I know that I am not walking this journey alone. For thou art with me... Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me... Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell, in the house of the Lord forever...