Thankful I'm alive. Guess it's better than the alternative.

I saw my general MD Thursday. We talked about the new addition of the Topamax. He said that if fatigue was the only side effect I was seeing, then I was doing great. And that these side effects generally get better over time, so I should just try to tough it out. From my studies, I do know that is the case with a lot of drugs. *sigh* I just hate medicines. I don't want to take any of them. I don't want to deal with any side effects. Oh well, could be, and has been, worse.

Taking a much different approach in school this test. I've studied a whole lot less because I seem to over study (if that's possible) and then bomb the mess out of tests. I'll probably get the hang of this test thing at the very end of school! HA

My best friend is going through something really horrible right now and that's sort of had me preoccupied as well. God's really teaching me some things through this right now, none of which is easy. :-)

Anyway, I broke down and told my husband how mentally and physically exhausted I am. I think depression is trying it's best to lurk it's ugly head in the doorway of my heart as well, and I'm getting too weak to fight it alone. It's been great having his support. Now I know that I'm not a lone at the feet of Jesus crying out in desperation, I have my husband there beside me as well. I'm one lucky gal.

Here's the crack...

I know it could be worse. I know that I have so much to be thankful for. BUT I'm so tired. My head hurts so bad. It wakes me up at night. It hurts all day. Popping pills only helps to take the edge off, and then I get to deal with being all doped up and sleepy. So basically, I can trade one evil for another.

Faking smiles is getting exhausting. Trying to force myself to stay encouraged is getting exhausting. My kids just want to be kids and I catch myself cringing at the sound of their laughter because it just pierces my head like a dagger. My husband longs to talk to me about his life and I'm just so tired that I can barely focus. As for me, I've become a bore. All I have to talk about is the same ol' same ol'. Still feel crummy. Still struggling through school. Still barely holding on. *sigh*

Last week my neurologist switched me to Topamax. It has to build up in my system, so I don't know how it's working yet. I hate pills. I don't want to take pills. I just downed a handful of 5 pills before I sat to pour my heart out and I despise it. However, I've tried just tossing them in the bottom drawer and been 'non-compliant' but that just landed me in the hospital. Ugh.

I really don't want to complain. Really I don't. But I'm so tired. So tired. My head hurts so bad. I'm too young for this. Will I live like this forever? If so, God come quickly! Lately, I just keep thinking of the promise of heaven and how there will be no more pain... I can't even imagine a life pain free!!!

I'm trying to be strong. I'm trying to be positive and look on the bright side. But the bright side is getting a little hard to see right now...

I'm not doing so hot in school right now and I have to wonder if it's because of these headaches and medications and lack of sleep? However, I am absolutely positively determined that I will finish school. That stupid tumor has stolen a lot of things from me, but my degree will not be one of them. I just feel like that is one thing that I still have some control over, which really that's false. I don't really have control over anything. Something could happen tomorrow and put me out of commission. But it's good to dream! LOL

So, there's the crack in my little fascade. And even though I am so incredibly weak, I know without a doubt that He is so strong. God, let me snuggle up to You and find rest. Thank You that there is rest for the weary.