Raw

Dear God,

I do not like complaining all the time; however, I also do not like feeling like my head is going to explode 24/7, or lying  awake in pain, or fantasizing about something as morbid as my own funeral, or gobbling pain medicine to get through a day (every day), or basically ANYTHING about my current living situation.

I have been at my job for 6 months, so naturally I have no vacation/sick time yet. I have just recently told people about the tumor because I don't want to scare folks off. The last thing I want is for my new employers to think (know?) they hired some sickly person that can't function. Each day, I muster up every ounce of strength that I have to get through my 8 hours. I have learned to function quite well with the pain. After all, I have been dealing with it now for going on 6 years. But it's the THINKING part that takes it's toll; forcing my mind to THINK beyond my throbbing head, or the feeling that my left eye is going to explode out of my eye socket, or the fogginess in my brain that makes it hard for me to recall things that I know, I know. But I'm managing. And I really try to stay positive and upbeat. But God, I'm just so discouraged. And I feel so alone.

I feel like a failure. As if this is somehow my fault and I should somehow just push through all this. When I'm home, I feel like the world's worst mother and wife. I am too exhausted and I hurt to much too want to do ANYTHING. I don't cook. I rarely eat dinner because I'm either drifting in/out of consciousness due to pain meds or I'm just hurting too bad to care about hunger. I don't go outside because the sun is too bright. I either wear sunglasses in the house or we keep all the lights off like vampires. I refuse to answer/talk on the phone because for some reason, that speaker on the phone has just always bothered my head worse. *sigh* I'm just LOADS of fun.

I feel like a failure at church. That is, when I can lift my head off of the couch to go. I constantly hear of how much You want to use me. How much You have in store. I feel as if that's a sick joke. I'd LOVE to do more. I'd love to be who I used to be, or MORE, but that's not who I am... And I guess that makes me feel angry with You. Because I'm in this desert all alone and You could pluck me out at anytime and yet still I just wander... And get taunted.

I feel like a failure at work. I'm a nurse, an RN, and sometimes I just feel totally stupid. That's probably not fair to blame on my head though. I just feel inadequate...

And God, as much as my family loves me, I can't talk to them. They just get upset that I'm upset. And then I'm sure they harbor their own anger. I mean, it's not like my husband signed on to marry "this" form of me. I can't talk to my friends because to many of them, headaches sound like... well, just headaches, that you can Tylenol for and then they go away. And talking to You is even a little hard right now because I'm upset with You. But I love You. And I need You. And at the end of the day, You are all I've got. I'm just finding it really hard to trust You...

So that's my prayer for today.