Hi. I'm Jessica, and I'm a funeral-zilla.

It's been a couple of years since these thoughts have plagued me. I don't know if it's just because this has been a bad week and after a week of being in constant pain I'm left feeling discouraged, but last night those thoughts, or worries, resurfaced. I dreamt about my funeral. I WORRIED about my funeral.

Firstly, let me just confess something about myself. My husband and I didn't have a wedding. We married at the courthouse, and it was probably a good thing because I surely would have been a 'bridezilla'.  Here's how I know.  In nursing school, it was a tradition for the juniors to hold a Senior Tea at the last semester for the graduating class.  I was in charge of the theme/décor.  Since the Senior Tea was to take place in May, I settled on a Garden Party theme.  It wasn't long and I was dubbed, quite lovingly I'm sure, 'Teazilla'.  However, I am proud to say that the seniors and all of the nursing instructors said that it was the most beautiful Senior Tea that had ever been put on.

This is why my funeral stresses me out.  I do not want my family and friends to plan it.  I want to plan it because I want it to be done how I want it done.  Call me, 'Funeral-zilla'!  My first stressor was (is) the music. I remember thinking to myself how I HAD to get my husband a list of the songs that I wanted played at my funeral because this was just all wrong. The music he had played was beautiful, but just didn't come close to what I wanted.  Now I don't care the reason the music is played, like whether it's played during the seating of the guests or during the slideshow, etc., just so long as this is the music that is played.  There is a man in my church that I grew up with and I love like an Uncle.  I would love it if he played the first song on his guitar and sang it.  Then there is this beautiful lady in my church that is so full of grace.  She'd be perfect to sing the next two.  I don't care what happens with the forth song, as long as it's included. 
1. I Can Only Imagine
2. Oh What A Day That Will Be
3. Jesus, I Love Calling Your Name
4. There Will Be A Day

Secondly, I want there to be a slideshow.  Perhaps that sounds vain, but I want all my family and friends to know how special they are to me.  I guess you don't need a slideshow of pictures to tell you that, but I've been to enough funerals to know how much that means to the grieving family and friends to see themselves included in the service.  In order for this to be possible, I would need to start pulling out pictures now and setting them aside for my husband or whomever to compile a slideshow when that time comes.  In my dream there were so many pictures that were left out that I would have desperately wanted there...  Knowing that I can prevent that from happening makes me feel responsible.

Next was the flow of the service.  Everyone came dressed in black.  Everyone was sad.  Many were crying.  It was really very depressing.  I don't want it to be like that at all. We could do the slideshow early on, get the tears over with, then let the speaker speak something uplifting.  I do NOT want it to be one of those generic "see, never know when you could die, better get your life right" messages.  Instead, I want it to be a heartfelt, God inspired message.  I cannot say what it should be about as I really honestly want it to be something that comes from God. And someone needs to be sure to spread the word that no one can come dressed in black. No one. If they do, I will come back and haunt them.

As I want to be cremated, there will be no graveside needed.  Instead, I want for everyone to gather together to eat and tell stories all about me. :)  And there's my vanity for ya.  LOL  The stories can be embarrassing, funny, first time we met, etc.  Only rule is no sad stories allowed!  When people leave they are to feel full; spiritually, mentally, and physically.

I want the service to be at my long time church, the church that I've been raised in and I still attend.  I want my ashes spread out at Panama City Beach by my family because that place has so many happy memories for me with each of them. 

And that about sums up how I want my funeral.  I don't know if it will happen next year or in 10 years or in 50 years, but when the times comes, like a true funeral-zilla, I shall be ready.