Confusion feels like a thick fog. I just need a flashlight!

Today my mom reminded me of the definition of insanity. I've been on the same two medicines (Topamax and Cymbalta) for my head for 3ish years, but yet I've had the same results. I still want to saw my head off. I've been hospitalized twice in the last 3 years for increased ICP. I'm still a hermit that lives in the dark in the quiet locked in my house missing out on LIFE.

 

My neurologist says that my headaches are not related to my brain tumor at all. He says that I have two different types of migraines. He says I have chronic and cluster migraines, both of which will subside with menopause, both of which are common with women of my age (early 30's). I have trouble believing/accepting this. Partly because I never, and I do mean NEVER, had a headache prior to my brain surgery. Secondly, because of the elevation of ICP. How is this explained??? His explanation is never really an explanation at all when I ask that. Back in September, my cerebral spinal fluid more than doubled what it should normally be and he did call what it "gathered in" a pseudo tumor. But that was it. Was that pseudo tumor in the empty hole left vacant by the removed tumor 5 1/2 years ago? He didn't seem to think so.

 

Now I know I might come off as annoyed with him, but I do have this need in me to 'people please', which is why I have never entertained the idea of a second opinion. But now hearing my kids say, "Is mom asleep AGAIN?" or not feeling good enough to do things that I really enjoy... Well, now I'm rethinking that second opinion. I'm sure too having a little bit of experience now as a nurse is causing me to rethink some things too... Maybe I'm just not quite as gullible or as trusting as I was a couple years ago.

 

And maybe I'm just exhausted. The thought that my current doctor is right and I have to live like this for another 20 + years... I just don't know if I can do that. It's so funny... I remember when people used to tell me "thank God that you lived... that you made it!" and I used to wonder. I want to live. But I want to REALLY live. I want to feel good and stay up till 10 on weeknights. I want to play with my kids outside not worried that the sun is too bright. I want to play video games with my son or card games with my daughter - able to tolerate noise and enjoy their laughter. I want to spend Saturday's cleaning house like normal mom's or shopping like other ladies. I want to pant, and do crafts like I so love. I want to ride my bike with my husband. I just want to feel good. That's all. I just want to feel good.