Is this weird?

This week there are 2 funeral's for people that I love. One is for a man that I have grown up with in church. Another is a dear friend's mother.

When I was first getting better, I couldn't sleep at night and I would stay up chatting with my friend Cliff. There were many nights that we'd talk about our funeral's. It just dawned on me that really, I'd talk and he'd listen. Cliff was such a good listener. I know that sounds really strange, but I guess since death looked us straight in the face, and eventually took over his, it didn't seem so strange.

Since he's passed, I haven't really even thought anything about it, but going to the first funeral for the man that I grew up with yesterday just jolted back those memories. And so I'm thinking of how I'd like it to be. Is that weird? Today I e-mailed an old pastor and asked him one of my requests. When I told my husband, he laughed and said that people will think I'm suicidal! LOL

I know who I'd like to come preach my service and I'd like the song, "I Can Only Imagine" sang and "Bring the Rain" with a slideshow of pictures. I'd also like the song, "Oh, What A Day" sang (I'd like it sang when my ashes are scattered or at my graveside).

And I know funeral's are supposed to be really sad, but I would be so honored if Jesus felt welcomed to come and move in our midst. I'd love nothing more than if He did something amazing and beautiful. So beforehand, before the service, I'd really like for as many people that could to gather together and pray. Wouldn't it be so awesome if His presence was there waiting as family started filtering in?

I really would like to be cremated, but my family doesn't feel comfortable with that. So if I am to be buried, I do NOT want an open casket. I do not want anyone looking at me when I'm dead - even at the viewing. Call me vain, but I don't want anyone's last memory of me to be dead full of makeup in hopes of looking alive. I just think it's gross and weird.

If I am cremated, I'd like my ashes scattered. I'd like Martin to scatter them somewhere outside. Somewhere that I'd be happy. I trust his judgement - no one knows me any better.

BUT I really don't think that any of that will ever happen. Honestly, I think that Jesus will come back before I ever die. He's kept me alive when He could have easily let me go plenty of times before. It's just one of those things just in case. So many times people die and loved ones have no idea what they would have wanted. So now everyone will know just what I would want. :-)

Nothing exciting to report

Went to neurologist today. Increased Topamax dosage to 50 MG and added a stronger pain medicine. I had misunderstood and thought that my DR thought I had migrains, but he doesn't. He just think it's chronic vascular headaches. *sigh* That sounds about right.

My hubby went with me and was able to ask a lot of questions. I was proud that he didn't "attack" my DR, but he did express concern. When we left he told me that he learned a lot.

Patience is a virtue that we're learning, huh? LOL

Are YOU "The Weeping Prophet"?

Yesterday at church, Hosea was talked about. Hosea, ''The Weeping Prophet", Hosea. Hosea, the guy that God asked to marry a prostitute, Hosea. Hosea, the guy God asked to have children of unfaithfulness, Hosea. Hosea, the guy that God saw as a good guy but still asked to live a really heart-breaking life, Hosea. I must admit, as I was sitting through church I was thinking, "Oh God! Please, please please! Don't let me be like Hosea!!!! Don't be allowing me to endure this pain permanently! I don't wanna be a weeping anyone!" (-:

I will admit that I always thought of myself like the 3 Hebrew boys. Maybe God will deliver me, and maybe He won't, but either way - He's STILL God and I'm STILL going to serve Him. That being said, I never thought that my suffering would last so long! LOL I thought it'd be more briefly felt like that of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. Or even like that of Daniel and spending a night with lions. A night? *rolls eyes* That, I can definitely do! But THIS... Well, this hasn't been a night... or two... or a couple months...

And so there are times, many times lately, that I find myself crying and saying, "Oh Lord! I just can't do this! I'm too tired. I'm too weak. Can't I just be done?" But then I realize how right my prayers are. I can't do it. And I am tired. And I am weak. But thankfully, I serve a God that offers rest to the weary! I serve a God that is all strength! I serve a God that tells me to cast ALL my cares on Him (and He doesn't stop there) because He cares for ME!!!

Back to Hosea. So at first, I was a little discouraged. Hard to find THAT silver lining. Oh, but there is one. See, there was a reason that God asked for Hosea to live such a heart-wrenching life. Even though it's easy for our initial reaction to be, "What kind of a God would make a good man live such a terrible life?" The answer? A God with such unimaginable love that we can't even fathom. The first 10 chapters of Hosea paint such a vivid image of how sad God was that Israel totally turned away from Him... (And truthfully, some of it will step on your toes if you're not careful, at least it did mine!) But in Chapter 11... Oh it'll just rip your heart out. God remembers Israel so fondly. He speaks of the nation of Israel like is His own child. And He makes this statement in Hosea 11:9 "I will not carry out my fierce anger,nor will I turn and devastate Ephraim. For I am God, and not man — the Holy One among you. I will not come in wrath." Wow, how right was God when He said, I'm not a man. Cause after all that Israel had done, I would have wanted to come out with my head spinning around and eyes flaming.

So back to why God asked Hosea to be the "chosen one" to get to live a life mirroring the heart-break of God... because God saw that much in him. Hosea was a good guy. Good enough that God chose him to be a prophet of His beloved nation. Isn't that a humbling thought? The same can be thought of for those 3 Hebrew boys, or Daniel, or one of my all-time hero's, Job. God thought enough about these men to allow the trials in their lives...

So I'm guessing if you're going through things, like ALWAYS going through things, and you just can't pin-point why, maybe it's because God sees something in you that you don't see in yourself.

Dear God, can You hear me?

The headaches are no better. It's getting hard to stay positive with this constant roaring in my head. Pain meds and the Topamax only seem to quiet the roar, but it's still there... always there... It wakes me in my sleep. It keeps me awake at night. I hate it. I honestly, literally hate it.

I make it through the motions. Go to class. Smile at the right times. Answer when my name is called. But it's wearing me out. I'm so exhausted. So drained. My stupid head just throbs.

This is ridiculous.

And then, to make things just loads MORE fun, last week I noticed my left hand was numb. It's been numb all week. I haven't said a word to anyone. My mom would panic, and how many times have I been in the hospital with false alarms? My husband would freak out too and goodness knows that he's got more than enough on his plate right now. Already I feel overwhelmed with guilt at the way he's killing himself working so much overtime just so we can be finanicially "okay". He works 10-12 hour days 6 days a week praying that I graduate soon so he can finally take a breather and cut down his hours to be like a normal person. And all the while he comes home to find me curled up on the couch, asleep in pain, no dinner cooked, laundry behind, house a mess, etc.

Oh God, I know that there are people in this world with real problems, and yet this is real to me. I don't know if I'm strong enough to keep this going. I'm in pain. We keep trying different medicine and different doses and nothings helping. Now this numbness and I don't know if it's just in my head or what. I'm struggling in school but darn it if I can't study because I hurt so bad that I just sleep all the time, but I can't quit! My family's depending on me. I can't have my husband working like this forever!! I've become a horrible wife. I'm a terrible mother. I barely go to church. I shower only to put pajamas back on. I'm becoming depressed.

I know who You are. But trusting You without understanding You is becoming really hard. God, just please grant me the grace to continue on. Give me the strength to continue breathing. To not become overwhelmed. Help me, Lord, to cast all my cares on You. I believe that You care for me. No matter how silly and insignificant my whining may seem. If this is important to me, I know it's important to You. God, I know that You can heal me. I know that You can deliver me. BUT if You choose not to, I will love and serve You anyway. For You are my Creator! And even though I don't understand why You created me to have these headaches, I know that I am wonderfully and fearfully made. I know that You created me after Your image. You love me. You didn't allow me to face this out of anything but love. And I know that I am not walking this journey alone. For thou art with me... Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me... Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell, in the house of the Lord forever...

Thankful I'm alive. Guess it's better than the alternative.

I saw my general MD Thursday. We talked about the new addition of the Topamax. He said that if fatigue was the only side effect I was seeing, then I was doing great. And that these side effects generally get better over time, so I should just try to tough it out. From my studies, I do know that is the case with a lot of drugs. *sigh* I just hate medicines. I don't want to take any of them. I don't want to deal with any side effects. Oh well, could be, and has been, worse.

Taking a much different approach in school this test. I've studied a whole lot less because I seem to over study (if that's possible) and then bomb the mess out of tests. I'll probably get the hang of this test thing at the very end of school! HA

My best friend is going through something really horrible right now and that's sort of had me preoccupied as well. God's really teaching me some things through this right now, none of which is easy. :-)

Anyway, I broke down and told my husband how mentally and physically exhausted I am. I think depression is trying it's best to lurk it's ugly head in the doorway of my heart as well, and I'm getting too weak to fight it alone. It's been great having his support. Now I know that I'm not a lone at the feet of Jesus crying out in desperation, I have my husband there beside me as well. I'm one lucky gal.

Here's the crack...

I know it could be worse. I know that I have so much to be thankful for. BUT I'm so tired. My head hurts so bad. It wakes me up at night. It hurts all day. Popping pills only helps to take the edge off, and then I get to deal with being all doped up and sleepy. So basically, I can trade one evil for another.

Faking smiles is getting exhausting. Trying to force myself to stay encouraged is getting exhausting. My kids just want to be kids and I catch myself cringing at the sound of their laughter because it just pierces my head like a dagger. My husband longs to talk to me about his life and I'm just so tired that I can barely focus. As for me, I've become a bore. All I have to talk about is the same ol' same ol'. Still feel crummy. Still struggling through school. Still barely holding on. *sigh*

Last week my neurologist switched me to Topamax. It has to build up in my system, so I don't know how it's working yet. I hate pills. I don't want to take pills. I just downed a handful of 5 pills before I sat to pour my heart out and I despise it. However, I've tried just tossing them in the bottom drawer and been 'non-compliant' but that just landed me in the hospital. Ugh.

I really don't want to complain. Really I don't. But I'm so tired. So tired. My head hurts so bad. I'm too young for this. Will I live like this forever? If so, God come quickly! Lately, I just keep thinking of the promise of heaven and how there will be no more pain... I can't even imagine a life pain free!!!

I'm trying to be strong. I'm trying to be positive and look on the bright side. But the bright side is getting a little hard to see right now...

I'm not doing so hot in school right now and I have to wonder if it's because of these headaches and medications and lack of sleep? However, I am absolutely positively determined that I will finish school. That stupid tumor has stolen a lot of things from me, but my degree will not be one of them. I just feel like that is one thing that I still have some control over, which really that's false. I don't really have control over anything. Something could happen tomorrow and put me out of commission. But it's good to dream! LOL

So, there's the crack in my little fascade. And even though I am so incredibly weak, I know without a doubt that He is so strong. God, let me snuggle up to You and find rest. Thank You that there is rest for the weary.

Hear these praises, from a grateful heart...

There are things that I could complain about, but instead, I want to focus on all the things that I have to be grateful for.

First off, I praise God for life. More specifically that I am alive both physically and spiritually. I've been near-death on both accounts, and should be dead... And yet He chose life for me.

And not only am I alive, but I am well. Things aren't perfect for me, but things are so much better than they could/should be. I'm so thankful that while there are a few things that I cannot do, there are much more things that I can do!!!! Lord, let me NEVER forget where you've brought me from.

I thank God that my family is healthy! I'm thankful that it's been me to face these health struggles and not my children. Thank You, Lord for keeping them from harm. I am so blessed.

I thank Him for a godly husband. A husband that loves God and loves his family. A husband that works hard and is a wonderful provider. A husband that leads us and encourages me to be a better person. A husband with unending faith. A husband that is truly my best friend. A husband that worships God beside me and reads the Word to me. A husband that gives me advice with the help of Scriptures.

I thank God for being a provider!!! We may be only 1 income right now, but we have NEVER gone without. Makes me think of what King David said, "I have never seen the righteous forsaken or their children begging bread". When we line up our bills and our income, our income is always so short - yet it always covers our bills! We may not have much left over, but we are always so well taken care of.

I thank God for being a prayer-answering God. Sometimes His answers aren't what I had in mind... Sometimes accepting His answers isn't always easy. But He ALWAYS answers. And His answers are always the best.

I thank Him for loving me. I am so incredibly unworthy. And yet, while I was a sinner (so when I was at my worst!!) Christ died for me!!!! He loves the despicable me and He loves the "good" me. He loves me when I'm smiling and He loves me when I'm crying. He loves me when I feel good and He loves me when I feel bad.

I thank Him for the friends and family that He placed in my life. How awesome and incredible that He knows just who I need and when. How wonderful that His grace is shown through people, and that I am blessed to feel it a lot!

I thank Him that I've been delivered from the girl I once was. I don't think the same or act the same. I don't talk the same or walk the same (literally - HA). I can related to the man in the Bible that was crazy and lived naked in a cave... but Jesus delivered him!! I am now clothed and in my right mind! Oh hallelujah!

I praise God that His vision isn't limited like mine. He sees beyond imperfections and weakness, because He knows his strength and perfection!!

I'm thankful that He is true to His Word and that He keeps His promises. Even when I may have forgotten His promises, or feel too unworthy for His Word - He never falters and never changes. He is the same yesterday, and today, and forever!

I'm so thankful that He hears my hearts cry and He sees my every tear. No matter what is troubling me, He says, "Be not troubled!!!!" and "Cast your cares on (me)"!

Oh Jesus, how wonderful You are! What a mighty God I serve!! Lord, let my every breath utter praises to Your Name. Help me, God, to always remember to count my blessings instead of looking at my troubles. I know where my help comes from - and Your grace truly is sufficient.