Dear God, can You hear me?

The headaches are no better. It's getting hard to stay positive with this constant roaring in my head. Pain meds and the Topamax only seem to quiet the roar, but it's still there... always there... It wakes me in my sleep. It keeps me awake at night. I hate it. I honestly, literally hate it.

I make it through the motions. Go to class. Smile at the right times. Answer when my name is called. But it's wearing me out. I'm so exhausted. So drained. My stupid head just throbs.

This is ridiculous.

And then, to make things just loads MORE fun, last week I noticed my left hand was numb. It's been numb all week. I haven't said a word to anyone. My mom would panic, and how many times have I been in the hospital with false alarms? My husband would freak out too and goodness knows that he's got more than enough on his plate right now. Already I feel overwhelmed with guilt at the way he's killing himself working so much overtime just so we can be finanicially "okay". He works 10-12 hour days 6 days a week praying that I graduate soon so he can finally take a breather and cut down his hours to be like a normal person. And all the while he comes home to find me curled up on the couch, asleep in pain, no dinner cooked, laundry behind, house a mess, etc.

Oh God, I know that there are people in this world with real problems, and yet this is real to me. I don't know if I'm strong enough to keep this going. I'm in pain. We keep trying different medicine and different doses and nothings helping. Now this numbness and I don't know if it's just in my head or what. I'm struggling in school but darn it if I can't study because I hurt so bad that I just sleep all the time, but I can't quit! My family's depending on me. I can't have my husband working like this forever!! I've become a horrible wife. I'm a terrible mother. I barely go to church. I shower only to put pajamas back on. I'm becoming depressed.

I know who You are. But trusting You without understanding You is becoming really hard. God, just please grant me the grace to continue on. Give me the strength to continue breathing. To not become overwhelmed. Help me, Lord, to cast all my cares on You. I believe that You care for me. No matter how silly and insignificant my whining may seem. If this is important to me, I know it's important to You. God, I know that You can heal me. I know that You can deliver me. BUT if You choose not to, I will love and serve You anyway. For You are my Creator! And even though I don't understand why You created me to have these headaches, I know that I am wonderfully and fearfully made. I know that You created me after Your image. You love me. You didn't allow me to face this out of anything but love. And I know that I am not walking this journey alone. For thou art with me... Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me... Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell, in the house of the Lord forever...