What's reflected?

I had a friend that I'd made through blogging named Cliff. He was also fighting with a brain tumor, but sadly the brain tumor won that battle. Once Cliff said something to me that I will never ever forget. He'd said that it amazed him that I didn't give up on God.

Yesterday, this same thought ran through my head as I thought about just how blessed I am. Most 'great' thoughts come to me in the shower, and yesterday was no exception. However, something else was also going on in there. A great battle... with nausea. In the last few weeks, I've felt this crushing sea of nausea like never in my life. I have to force myself to eat and even this morning, at 4:30 AM, the nausea woke me feeling like a storm was raging inside my stomach. I've spoken to the doctor about it and he thinks it's a combination of the medication I'm on (one of the meds has nausea as a nasty side effect) and the continual lowering of my CSF). I am taking ANOTHER medication to counteract with the nausea, but I'm not convinced that I see any real difference.

Anyway, I digress. So I'm hobbling out of the shower, feeling like I need to hurl, and dumbfounded by how great God's been to me all at the same time. I guess that might sound odd. I mean, when coupled together, it doesn't sound like God's been that great at all, right? Ppppsssttt!!!!! Do you have ANY idea how easily it would have been to write me off? Numerous times?!?!?!

Let's look at this last time. A normal head pressure is 14.5-15 ml... Mine was 33 ml. That's comatose high! That's head explode high. That can kill you high! And the only problems I have is some nausea, a headache, and some dizziness? THAT is a blessing!! It seems like I've been hospitalized umpteen times between now and the brain tumor, but isn't it a miracle that there is STILL brain tumor remaining in my head that hasn't grown in the least little bit. Nadda. After 5 years, it is just where the surgeon left it. I know this because I had my MRI read yesterday. THAT is a blessing!! Or how 'bout the whole brain tumor thing. I can never forget being told I could die, or end up a vegetable, or unable to ever walk again... at 24... But look at me!! I'm blessed!

It's so easy to get discouraged. I can get wrapped up in a pity party in a hurry because I get blinded by me. I just have to step out of the way. It's not about me. This world is much bigger than me, and as my Mom used to remind me, it doesn't revolve around me. God has designed my life "wonderfully and fearfully" for a reason. I don't understand His reason, but I don't have to understand to trust Him. One thing I know to be true, He seems to want me around for awhile. (-; Like the author of a novel, He could've written me off easily. I mean, He had at least 2 great opportunities, but He chose not too.  Instead, He chose to let me get better. Took some time, took some tears, but even in that I've gotten so much peace and comfort that I would have never gotten any other way.

So yeah. My life like it's been, hard as it's been, has been richly blessed. I just hope that's reflected out to everyone that peeps in.