Just figured something out about myself...

It's amazing how you go your whole life never knowing (or admitting) something about yourself and then suddenly a lightbulb goes off.

For as long as I can remember, my husband has told me that I was too hard on myself. My mom often quoted these same words. And yet, still, I have pushed myself... wrongly thinking that my drive came from... well, I don't even know! I just wanted to be good enough, do things right, ya know? But this week, some of my motivators slapped me in the face.

I've now been a nurse for 2 months. It's not anything like I imagined it would be... and not so much in a good sense, either. The work is hard, the hours long, and for 8 weeks now I have clocked out at night beating myself up for my failures of the day. Last week, I met with my boss who asked me if I was happy. I had to stop and think. I love so many things about what I'm blessed enough to do, and yet I hate the drowning feeling that I have every day. As we talked, she mimicked the words I've heard from my 2 best friends forever, and then said something that I wanted to instantly deny. She told me that I was a wee bit controlling.

I've never thought that about myself. I mean, I'm laid back and controlling sounds so... I don't know... mean? Surely I'm not mean, am I?? I'm almost 30 and still say ma'am and sir and don't ask others to do things that I could do (which translates in - I don't ask for help).

But a lightbulb went off and sure enough, my problem, the reason that worry is ALWAYS on the forefront of my mind, is because I am a control freak. Wow... Shedding light on something like that can be life-changing. I mean, if I'm doing something, I worry and fret so much for it to be perfect. No matter what it is! And what is it that I'm really worrying about??? My own abilities. And that's precisely where I'm struggling at work. My own abilities.

Worry like that can be smothering. Flipping through the catalouge of my life and I see where so many times I totally skip doing things because I'm afraid that I'll fail. I mean, really?

So here's the problem, where is my trust in God??? He led me through school, don't I know that He will continue to lead me? IF, I let Him. That's the thing. I have GOT to trust in the Lord with ALL my heart. ALL of it. And lean not to ME. It doesn't matter how hard I work, and it doesn't matter how short my lunch breaks are, it doesn't matter if I drive home crying every night, and it doesn't matter how many policies I read and try to memorize. My trust cannot be in myself. It just can't. That's why I'm drowing, because I am trying to rely on what I can do. And really... well, really, I am nothing. I can do nothing on my own, but with Him ALL things are possible.

I feel so liberated!!!!