*sad sigh* I don't even know where to begin... My feelings and thoughts are so muddled right now and I feel a million different things all at once. A couple years ago now, shortly after my brain tumor/surgery, I begin looking on the internet for others like me and any kind of information about the tumor that I had. I found one friend... one good friend... He was fighting a brain tumor that was mostly in his brain stem. And he was fighting hard.
We chatted on-line and kept up with one another's blogs, and he was like a God-send for me. While I'm blessed to have a wonderful support system around me, and a good relationship with God, there was just something different about being able to talk to someone else walking in my shoes. We'd talk about normal things like food or our kids, and then we'd talk about not-so-normal things like how we wanted our funeral to be. Sometimes I wouldn't be able to sleep and when I logged on-line, I'd see my friend. He kept me company when I was at my lowest, and we'd rejoice together when MRI's came back with good news (for either of us).
But through it all, I was the lucky one. His tumor was as tough as he was and just wouldn't go away. He struggled so much... It's amazing to me how much fight he had in him. And sometimes, talking with him and I'd feel guilty. Guilty that I complain about a stupid headache and being back on 3 medications when he fought to just breathe and took a million different pills. Guilty that I'm doing well, and he wasn't. Guilty that I can drive and walk and bathe myself, and he just couldn't. And I'd share that with him and he'd LOL me... And tell me that I shouldn't feel guilty because he was happy for me.
Gosh, it's so funny to be wiping tears off my face over a guy that I never even met... But I can't tell you how much I'll miss him and how much I wish he could've won his fight.
A few of my favorite songs...
About Me
- Jessica (I've survived a brain tumor!)
- The weekend after Thanksgiving 2007, my back was killing me. I figured that it might be a kidney infection with the holiday season approaching, finals at school, and a busy time at work. I bounced around to a couple different doctors before ending up in the hospital on December 15. During that time period, my left side became numb. After an MRI, the doctor said something that I least expected to hear, "You have a lesion on your brain". On December 17, I underwent emergency surgery to remove a Juvenile Pilocytic Astrocytoma (brain tumor) from my cerebellum. The tumor had fingers that had spread into my brain stem. With a lot of physical therapy, doctors visits, and family support - I can now drive again, walk again, and am working as a RN on the exact same neurology/orthopedic floor that I was once a patient on. I've come a long way, but there is still a ways to go...
1 comment:
Thank you for your account of your friendship with Cliff. I've been remembering him, and revisiting his blog, and linking back to yours. It's taken me this long to find your entry, and it's a great comfort to know that he had an uplifting affect on your life.
I recall that you wrote to me shortly after he passed, but your blog posting has brought me joy and I'm so glad he was able to help you as you faced your own trials.
You two never met, but there's more to friendship than being in the same room together. He took comfort in having you to lean on as well. His limited mobility had to inspire loneliness, and any hand in the darkness can be a Godsend.
I'm sorry to hear that you continue to suffer. I hope you find relief and success soon; I applaud your courage, honesty and tenacity. You're in my thoughts. Thank you again.
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