I survived a JPA - Brain Tumor!

Delighting myself in the Lord...

2012-01-26T04:45:00.001-08:00

Psalm 37:4-6 Delight thyself also in the LORD: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.
Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass. And he shall bring forth thy righteousness as the light, and thy judgment as the noonday.

Adjusting as a new nurse hasn't been easy for me - at all. In school there is brief talk about how reality can be a little harsh, and I guess I should have really listened to those talks!

I worked so hard to get through school fighting not to give up or give in and it was so hard, but I seemed to know what I was fighting for. I wanted to help people. God has been so good to me and He's blessed me through so much that I just wanted to give back. I want to spend the rest of my life doing whatever I can to help others in whatever way I can. And yet, here I am feeling like I'm just doing terrible! LOL

I guess I didn't expect dealing with all the patients that would be unhappy no matter what I do; or being chewed out by doctors until I want to crawl under a rug; or nearly always being unsuccessful at getting IV's started after my patient's are already in pain; or running around like a chicken with it's head cut off trying to get everyone's meds passed out in time, and orders checked off, and cleaning up room so-in-so's vomit, and helping room-so-in-so to the bathroom, all the while getting my assessments done and charted in a timely manner and making sure I'm getting discharges and/or new admits done ASAP.

Some of my 'cheerleaders' tell me that my problem is that I'm just too hard on myself. That could bare some truth... And if so, then how is that corrected? I've always thought that I was self-motivated, but now I'm being to think that I'm over-bearing! LOL

Ah... The joy I felt on my first day has dwindled away and in its' place is this horrid stress and worry. I'm constantly afraid that I'm doing something wrong or that I'm about to make some awful mistake, but in reality, isn't that part of learning? I mean, I don't WANT to make a mistake, but at some point, I will, and that is how I'll learn - right?

Looking at this picture makes me a little sad. My mom had come to see me on my first day at work and brought me flowers. I was so happy... so excited... so confident! I want to feel like THAT again! However, I have realized that I need help. I can't - so I'm gonna need a little help. I'm going to delight myself in the Lord... And I'll begin by counting my blessings.

1. I had this job before I even graduated from college! It was held just for me and it was my DREAM job. It's where I was a patient myself before going to Emory for surgery.

2. I have a job. There are many of my classmates that graduated with me that STILL don't even have jobs.

3. I'm getting to know everyone on my floor, including the physicians that we regularly deal with.

4. I really like my director, manager, and educator.

5. I've been leaving before 8:30 at night the last couple of weeks & taking a lunch! LOL

6. When I get to work, I stay really busy (which I like).

7. Our floor has the nicest patient rooms in the hospital.

8. Our floor frequently scores high on patient satisfaction surveys.

9. I get to work days and am off on most weekends.

10. We have good secretary's which is wonderful for us AND our patients/family's.

So, God, thank You for the positive's and help me to focus on these things. Help me in my weaknesses and fears. Thank You for surrounding me with such a good support system and carrying me through! Amen!

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord!

2011-12-31T16:19:00.000-08:00

A few days ago, I was listening to a song that sang, "Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord…" I could use a bit of strength, so this got my attention and my wheels started turning. What, exactly, does 'wait' mean? If I sit around tapping my fingers will I gain strength? Hummm… I think not.

The next day after I heard this song, I read Isaiah 40 and verse 31 echoed the song that I had heard the day before, "But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." So again, I was left pondering and praying, Lord, teach me how to wait. And what is 'wait' really?

So I could get all theological and tell you what the Greek meaning of the word 'wait' is, but God spoke to me much simpler than that. Maybe because I'm a simple kind of girl. (-; I began to think of a waiter. What is a waiter's primary job? To serve you, right? They are to 'wait' on you. Before your water glass reaches the halfway mark, you expect your waiter to fill it. When you ask for something, say ketchup, you expect to get it. How would you feel if your waiter decided to go on a break in the middle of waiting on you? What if your waiter gave you the silent treatment? Or what if they got so busy, that they never once came to your table to take your order? Hummm…

Oh, and by the way, in case you are wondering the Greek/Hebrew word for wait is qavah and it means to wait or look eagerly for, to lie in wait for, to wait for, linger for, to collect, bind together. Obviously this sounds NOTHING like serving… Instead, this sounds like joining forces with God Himself!!! How exciting. BUT, think about it, how could you link up with Him if you weren't serving Him? When I defined serve, dictionary.com gave me the following definitions: perform duties or services for, wait, minister.

When I prayed 'teach me how to wait', I think He heard me! :-D Thanks, God!

Happy anniversary to me!

2011-12-17T18:58:00.001-08:00

‎4 years ago today God gave me a beautiful Christmas gift - a second shot at life. And He didn't give me just life, He gave me life more abundantly! Today is my 4th year anniversary that I have survived brain surgery!! The reports of my surgeons sounded grim... They told us how they had to stop cutting because brain and tumor became so entwined... The tumor was bigger than they thought... They told us to find long term care facilities to care for me... Told me I may never walk again. BUT who's report do YOU believe? :-D So glad that God love's me and that He is true to His word. Happy anniversary to me!

Just figured something out about myself...

2011-12-11T04:59:00.000-08:00

It's amazing how you go your whole life never knowing (or admitting) something about yourself and then suddenly a lightbulb goes off.

For as long as I can remember, my husband has told me that I was too hard on myself. My mom often quoted these same words. And yet, still, I have pushed myself... wrongly thinking that my drive came from... well, I don't even know! I just wanted to be good enough, do things right, ya know? But this week, some of my motivators slapped me in the face.

I've now been a nurse for 2 months. It's not anything like I imagined it would be... and not so much in a good sense, either. The work is hard, the hours long, and for 8 weeks now I have clocked out at night beating myself up for my failures of the day. Last week, I met with my boss who asked me if I was happy. I had to stop and think. I love so many things about what I'm blessed enough to do, and yet I hate the drowning feeling that I have every day. As we talked, she mimicked the words I've heard from my 2 best friends forever, and then said something that I wanted to instantly deny. She told me that I was a wee bit controlling.

I've never thought that about myself. I mean, I'm laid back and controlling sounds so... I don't know... mean? Surely I'm not mean, am I?? I'm almost 30 and still say ma'am and sir and don't ask others to do things that I could do (which translates in - I don't ask for help).

But a lightbulb went off and sure enough, my problem, the reason that worry is ALWAYS on the forefront of my mind, is because I am a control freak. Wow... Shedding light on something like that can be life-changing. I mean, if I'm doing something, I worry and fret so much for it to be perfect. No matter what it is! And what is it that I'm really worrying about??? My own abilities. And that's precisely where I'm struggling at work. My own abilities.

Worry like that can be smothering. Flipping through the catalouge of my life and I see where so many times I totally skip doing things because I'm afraid that I'll fail. I mean, really?

So here's the problem, where is my trust in God??? He led me through school, don't I know that He will continue to lead me? IF, I let Him. That's the thing. I have GOT to trust in the Lord with ALL my heart. ALL of it. And lean not to ME. It doesn't matter how hard I work, and it doesn't matter how short my lunch breaks are, it doesn't matter if I drive home crying every night, and it doesn't matter how many policies I read and try to memorize. My trust cannot be in myself. It just can't. That's why I'm drowing, because I am trying to rely on what I can do. And really... well, really, I am nothing. I can do nothing on my own, but with Him ALL things are possible.

I feel so liberated!!!!

Nothing like a little snycope on the job!

2011-10-21T16:11:00.000-07:00

I've survived week 1!

2011-10-16T05:44:00.000-07:00

I've survived the first week of my new job as an Ortho/Neuro nurse and I LOVE it! The best part is that I've only had one of "the headaches" and thankfully it was on my day off. I'm thinking it was because I was so tired. My headaches are actually better than they were when I was in school, but maybe it's because my stress is so much less? Don't get me wrong, there's stress with a new job, but when work is over - it's over! With school, I was CONSTANTLY studying. LOL

Introducing Jessica, the RN!

2011-09-09T08:57:00.000-07:00

I am a little bit in shock. These past 2 years, I have stubbornly fought my way through nursing school often feeling like I'd never really make it to the finish line. Each semester that passed saw new "exciting" health obstacles, as if the obstacles of nursing school isn't enough. There was a kidney stone requiring surgery, bleeding ulcers, a new diagnosis of irritable bowel syndrome, an injury to my knee causing me to hobble around on crutches, etc. Add all those obstacles to the fact that just 4 years ago a surgeon told us that I'd probably be a vegetable for the rest of my life and require constant care.

And yet, as of today, I am a licensed RN. I am speechless. However, I remember God's voice calling me down this road. It didn't make sense at the time. It didn't seem possible. It has NOT been easy. It has been hard work. And there have been MANY times that His voice has been silent and I've just had to blindly walk in the direction that He once pointed.

But today, those 2 years of schooling have resulted in recieving a license as a registered nurse. AND not only that, but I was also formally offered my dream job today. A job as a nuero/ortho nurse in the same hospital on the same floor where I was once a patient myself. Isn't God good?

It could ALWAYS be worse!

2011-08-02T19:02:00.000-07:00

Headache today. Had to take pain meds. Haven't been able to get much studying done today for my STATE BOARDS. :-) That's right. I graduated from nursing school and am preparing to take my state licensure to become a registered nurse! Tomorrow shall be a better day. :-)

The finish line's in sight! And man, does it look good!

2011-07-24T04:18:00.000-07:00

In 2007, when the surgeon came into my hospital room to explain the craniotomy to me, he explained the risks. He told my family they needed to be thinking of long-term facilities that would assist with my care because there was a really good chance that I would not be able to perform my daily tasks after the surgery. The picture he painted was grim. He'd told my family of the chance for me to end up a vegetable and dependent on mechanical ventilation to survive. If it was a surgery that I could have opted out of, just based on hearing him talk, I would have totally chosed against it.

After surgery, he let us know that everything "went well". I was able to breath just fine on my own (so no need for the mechanical ventilation). However, he told us, once he opened me up, he saw that the tumor had entwined with my brain tissue so bad that he had to stop cutting because he no longer knew what was brain tissue and what was tumor. He warned that I might always suffer some disabilities. Always.

He was a great surgeon, but hope was certainly NOT his strong point. However, he was right to warn me. I had to work hard. Really hard. 17 months of therapy hard. Coordination was a huge problem. I couldn't get a spoon to my mouth. Eating for me was like watching a 6 month old try to feed itself. I had to wear a bib and everything. Not a cute look for a 24 year old. My husband did my make-up because when I tried to do it, I'd have mascara on my cheeks and lipstick on my nose. My memory was horrible. I'd go in the grocery store, with a list, and stand in the middle of the isle and start crying because I couldn't remember why I was in there, and couldn't remember to look at the list. Physical therapy had to work with me forever to teach me how to walk. Just how to walk. I'd been walking for 23 years of life, but 3 days a week I had to have somone spend an hour at a time working with me to teach me how to walk. I had to re-learn how to drive. I could go on and on, but surely that paints the picture.

And I remember being angry. Angry at that stupid, unwelcome, THING in my head. Angry that it had robbed so much from me. Memories of my son when he was 2 - I have none. My daughter when she was 8 and missing teeth? None. All I remember is post-surgery headaches. The kind that left me alone, and in the dark, and crying praying to God that He'd have taken my life during surgery instead of leaving me here to live like that.

But that anger did something. It fueled this determination. I became determined that a dumb brain tumor was not going to beat me, or at least, not without a fight. And so against all odd's, I started nursing school. I'm sure no one would have blamed me if I had've never attempted it. After what I'd been through, no one probably expected it out of me. But "I can do ALL things through Christ". And so that's what I did.

Every single semester, it's been a battle. I have literally had one health issue after another. I've been diagnosed with more junk, I've had surgery, and I've continued to battle risidual post-surgery headaches - BUT tomorrow, I'm taking the last final of my ASN career. In just 4 days, I'll graduate with an RN degree. Not only that, but somehow (as long as tomorrow goes well), I've managed to pull a 'B' in every single one of my classes.

This has just served as a testiment to me that no matter WHAT things might look like, ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE!

T - 47 & Counting!

2011-06-07T05:30:00.000-07:00

After much begging and pleading, I was able to get the orthopedic doctor to write me a note allowing me to attend clinicals to finish up this semester. YIPPEE! 47 days left and I'll finish nursing school. Hobbling around on one leg isn't fun, but I'm beginning to master hopping and standing on one leg. (I can't take crutches to clinicals.)

Good news is that my head's been acting wonderfully. God's so merciful! He knows that I can only handle one problem at a time! LOL

Well, God, it's storming again... and, again, I will lift my hands...

2011-05-25T15:31:00.000-07:00

Graduation is 61 days away... It's so close I can taste it. However, hurdle #9,542,673,201 is attempting to slow me down. *sigh* Gotta love road blocks!

For about a month now, my knee has been hurting me. I've tried ice, an ace bandage, I prop it up, and I pop Ibuprofen, but nothing helps. The funny thing is that I haven't injured myself (meaning, no falls or bumps) and my leg isn't swollen or red or warm to the touch. It just hurts like crazy. It hurts so bad it wakes me out of my sleep. If my husband rolls over and bumps it, I wake up howling. Not real good.

So, with me kicking and screaming, I went to an orthopedic doctor yesterday. After X-rays, he told me that it was 1 of 2 things. Either it's a meniscus tear, in which I would need surgery to correct the problem, but I would be mobile again in a couple weeks. Or a stress fracture, in which the ONLY way to heal is to be COMPLETELY off my leg for 6-8 weeks. We scheduled an MRI for next week to tell us for sure. My jaw just dropped at the news.

I have 8 weeks of school left and I have battled through nursing school through the residual side effects of a brain tumor and medication changes for it; I've been diagnosed with IBS while in school and dealt with that; then of course there's been the chronic vascular headaches and the pain meds for that; then the diagnoses of the cluster headaches (as if the others weren't bad enough); and then not to mention a lovely little kidney stone last fall that was too big to blast and required surgery (a result from the headache meds). But now I'm being told that a result of my losing weight by the exercise has caused me to hurt myself and possible jeopardize my working clinical's... that I only have to do for the next 7 weeks! I mean, REALLY?

It would be VERY easy to be completely discouraged right now. It would be so easy to get upset and work myself up. But there are a couple of things that life, and all the things that God's allowed me to go thru, have taught me:
1. The night TRULY is the darkest just before the dawn.
2. Becoming a nurse has NOT come to me easy. I have had obstacles thrown my way left and right, and in the beginning I heard God's voice directing my path, but I'll be honest. The past several months, I've just been walking my faith and NOT by sight. I haven't seen any pillars of fire, and I haven't heard Him beckoning to me. BUT I made a choice a long time ago to trust Him with my WHOLE heart and not to lean unto my own understanding. With my entire heart, I believe that climbing this mountain hasn't been easy because the view from the top will be amazing. I believe that God is honoring my trust in Him.
3. Everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING, happens for a reason.

I found this scripture today and it offered me a lot of encouragement. It's Isaiah 40:28-31 "Have you not known? Have you not heard, that the everlasting God, the LORD, the Creator of the ends of the earth, faints not, neither is weary? there is no searching of his understanding. He gives power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increases their strength... But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; they shall walk, and not faint."

:-D <--- This is me, cheesing.

2011-05-03T18:36:00.000-07:00

It's been 3 weeks since I've been (drumroll please) PAIN MEDICINE FREE!!!! As a bonus, when I weighed in at Weight Watchers this weekend, I more than exceeded my 25 weight loss goal.

Nearly 3 weeks without pain meds! Of course I still take Cymbalta (for chronic pain - who knew!) daily and Topamax twice a day. BUT did I mention, NO PAIN MEDS for 3 weeks now? LOL

Still no running again, school's kept me pretty busy. In fact, I had a final today and I have another. However, graduation in set for July 28. HOORAY!

So thank you, Lord, for a pain free 3 weeks - without dumb ol' pain meds! :-D OH! And the weight loss is great too! Thanks for that, because it hasn't been easy. :-D

Happy, yet annoyed :-/

2011-03-26T06:15:00.000-07:00

Good news first - I've reached one of my goals for this year!! I've lost 25 pounds!!! Yeee-haw! I joined Weight Watchers in October and have totally changed the way that I eat and even think about food. I also exercise. Which brings me to my annoyance.

Stupid headaches = stumbling block. I've been unable to exercise all week because I've had pretty bad headaches. :-( BOO!!! It's SO annoying! I want to be just like everyone else, and do things just like anyone else can, but physical things are just one hurdle that I'm having a difficult time jumping over.

I remember when I felt really dumb and I'd wonder if I was going to be dumb forever. I was no genius before, but I wasn't an idiot either. But after surgery, I was just some sort of empty blob. But I think it's safe to say that I've proven to myself that I'm NOT just an empty blob. I'm in RN school, about to graduate, and I'm managed to keep my grades competitive with "the smart kids" throughout this entire program.

But this... well, this is different. I'll have a week of 3 pretty good workouts, and then 'BOOM' - I'm out for the count. It's SO aggravating! Meanwhile, my husband takes evening 6 mile runs like it's nothing. NOTHING! I can't even walk down the hallway without holding on to the walls... GRRR!

But how awful is this. Here I am complaining and it could be SO much worse. And I know that. I know that I'm fortunate. I know that there are so many people out there that have it worse than me. I know I once had it worse. But yet, knowing those things doesn't make this suck any less.

Lord, help me to have a grateful heart and forgive me for moments like today that I don't feel grateful. Help me to remember all the glorious things that You have done for me and let me be able to share my testimony with others. Don't let these silly roadblocks allow me to get discouraged. I fully believe that with You, I am more than a conqueror. And thank You that I have been able to lose weight and I have been able to excercise as much as I have been. Amen. :-)

Gratefully Hurting

2011-03-13T10:21:00.000-07:00

This morning, I laid in my bed, missing church, covers pulled over my head, tears (of pain) rolling down my cheeks, head stabilized by a mound of pillows, facing "the headache". The desire to be overcome with self-pity was dangerously close to overtaking me and to ignore those feelings, I kept willing myself to fall asleep. Unfortunately, the pain was too great and so I just laid there feeling awful. The house was silent. My husband and kids had left for church - the place where I wanted to be. And just before I caved in to the feelings of self-pity, I summoned up the inner Paul and Silas in me. LOL - I started thanking God.

Because of the headache, I couldn't say anything out loud, but as I laid there, in my head I started remembering where I could be... should be, even. And I just started praising God. I started remembering 3 1/2 years ago now when that surgeon came in my room and told us to prepare for long-term arrangements for my care, because chances were that after surgery I would face brain damage - maybe even extensive. Doctors said that I may not take care of myself again. Could you imagine? Being a 24 year old woman, not being able to wash your own hair? Brush your own teeth? And yet, nearly 4 years later, the ONLY problem I have is fighting a dumb ol' headache. Other than that, I'm fine! No brain damage! I mean, I'm in nursing school about to graduate with an R.N., I'm training for a 5K (so that means that I can at least walk) LOL, and I have NEVER had to live in a nursing home! HOORAY!! :-D

And then I had to start praising God that it's me dealing with this and not my kids. How fortunate and blessed am I to have such healthy, smart, beautiful children!! My children have never had to be hospitalized and they don't have any idea what the inside of an ambulance looks like or the inside of an MRI machine. My husband is also healthy! God has blessed him with health so that he is able to work for us and provide. What would we do if he was plagued with this? We'd be homeless! How blessed we are!! Of all of us, God knew exactly who to let deal with the health stuff. He's blessed me with an incredibly strong husband to lean on in my dark days; a husband that doesn't even have to be asked to take care of the kids, meals, or household chores when I'm sick; a husband that silently gets my medicine and brings me food in bed. Last night, in the middle of the night, I nudged him and said, "Babe, 'the headache' is here." He shot out of bed and got my medicine and water just like that! I wouldn't even do that! LOL - Oh, God I thank You! I could be suffering with this all alone.

These may not be the plans that I have for myself, but God's plans are perfect. And His grace is fufficient. I'm not giving up on complete healing, but in the meantime, I'm just thankful for what He has already done for me. And if He chooses not to take away my headaches, He's done MORE than enough for me already. And I'm grateful. :-)

Random Update

2011-03-13T05:18:00.000-07:00

1. As it is March, I realize it seems rather late to be stating New Year's Resolutions, so these will just be goals for this year. And these goals actually seem like goals that I'll finish this year. Goal #1 is that I will have an RN this year. Goal #2 is that I will have lost > 25 pounds this year. And goal #3 is that I will have run a 5 K this year. WOOHOO! LOL

So I've been writing about my journey in nursing school, and I'm in the middle of my next to last semester now! I graduate in July so I can FINALLY see a small light at the end of the tunnel. :-) Hooray!

The weight loss thing sort of happened by accident. I've been so desperate to get my headaches under control and I HATE the pain medicates so badly. My goal is to be off all pain meds completely, so I started reading up on foods that trigger headaches. Sadly enough, it was foods that I loved. You know, chocolate, tea, coffee, tomatoes, fatty greasy stuff, etc. Also there is a link to exercise and headache improvement (hence the running the 5K).

So I joined Weight Watchers with my mom and I have absolutely LOVED it! Since October I have lost 22 pounds and it's been so easy. I have completely changed the way that I eat, and while I am not off of pain meds, I do take pain meds a lot less frequently. My blood pressure has decreased and I've dropped 4 pants sizes! Another plus, I think the pain meds had caused some bowel problems, but eating healthy has totally (and I mean totally) taken care of that! It's been great!

Exercising hasn't been very easy. My brain tumor affected the part of my brain that controls my breathing, and the cells that are left in my brain are still in that same part of my brain. I don't know if it's just a mental thing or what, but I am having the hardest time with my breathing. The furthest I've run so far is 7 minutes and then suddenly my breathing gets crazy and I feel panicked. But I'm not going to give up. By the end of this year, I am determined to run a 5K with my husband. Also, I'm not so sure about excercing helping with headaches. A lot of days, after a good workout, I get home and end up needing a pain pill. :-( But maybe once the workouts get a little easier???

In other news, I had reported a new onset of these crazy awful headaches occuring like I'd been rammed in the eye with an ice pick. They are called cluster headaches and are unrelated to the tumor. They typically occur in women my age and appear to be seasonal. As if I needed more headaches! LOL - Oh well, the more the merrier!

My neurologist did some more medication adjustments on my last visit, but literally tells me that the only thing that he thinks will help me is graduating from nursing school and taking a break from the stress of school. LOL - I find that funny for some reason! :-) At least SOMEONE understands how stressful it is. (-; But if my head's made it through over a year of this, it can take 5 more months.

He hears your EVERY prayer...

2011-02-10T15:27:00.001-08:00

Let me just share what a wonderful God I serve. :-)

Tuesday, I was driving to school. I am in the 'home stretch' of my schooling with just 6 months left, but school consumes me. I literally have no LIFE outside of school, and on this particular morning, I was praying to God and asking Him if I disappointed Him. I was thinking about that scripture in the Bible that talks about those folks that would come up to Him at the time of judgement and He'd say, "I never know you." I asked Him, would He say that about me?

I mean, I pray, but I feel like it's haphazard. None of that 1-2 hours of scheduled locked in a prayer closet kind of stuff that I was raised hearing about. The same with reading my Bible. In fact, the Bible is downloaded on my phone, and sadly, I read more scriptures sitting in waiting rooms, or in elevators, than ever before. *sigh* Basically, I just don't feel like I meet up to the "standards" of a "Christian" that I should. If there is a checklist, I feel like mine is severely lacking.

And so, Tuesday, on my way to school, I was telling God how sorry I am for disappointing Him.

Tuesday I didn't have a very good day... at all. And it was VERY long. When I got home, I was so tired, and defeated, and just tired. Lately, these 6 months seems too looks like 6 years!

I checked the mail, and mixed in with the handful of bills was a greeting card from a friend that I haven't talked to in ages. What a surprise! When I opened the card, the first sentence from my friend shared how she's been going around with this card for me in her planner for nearly a year now. A year. And finally she remembered to put a stamp on it and mail it. (Is that NOT perfect timing.) And then she said something that made tears just pour down my face because I knew without a shadow of a doubt that God was answering my prayers from that morning....

She talked about what kind of relationship I had with God and how I'm a person who "walks with God daily". She talked about how she's watched from the outside while I've faced the migraines and yet I just seem to keep going.

And while that encouragement would have been super flattering at ANY time, it was perfect that it came when it did. God was letting me know that He'd heard me praying that morning. No matter how big our prayers seem no matter how small they seem, He hears us when we call - and He cares.

A Divine Appointment

2010-12-01T17:38:00.000-08:00

I didn't go to Wednesday night service tonight. I haven't even showered today. I have laid on my couch and kept my head from moving while studying and sleeping all day in hopes of getting through this headache. But my Mom went to Wednesday Bible Study tonight, and on her way home, she called to testify to me.

Each week she meets with a ladies group. This week, a lady was talking about how every time you read your Bible, you are having a divine appointment with God. Sometimes we're guilty of reading our Bibles carelessly much like reading a magazine or the newspaper, but God desires this time to speak to us. To Him, this is a divine appointment! As the lady was talking, Mom prayed to God that she wanted to have these divine appointments.

When she was done praying, she opened her Bible and let it flip open. It landed open on Mattew 15:28. It says, 'Then Jesus answered, "Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted." And her daughter was healed from that very hour.'

Guess Mom had her divine appointment instantly, huh?!?!?! How specific was God??? I mean, first off, there are a gazillion scriptures in the Bible. Her Bible could have fallen open on one about someone who begot so-n-so. But no. He's taken notice of her faith!! And He's heard the prayers that she's had for me. But still... He could have chosen a million other scriptures about healing, but to be SO specific as to pick this one... This one that says, "And her daughter..." And here my Mom is praying for her daughter...

How awesome of a God do we serve??? PRETTY AWESOME!

And that lady at my Mom's Bible study was right. The Bible is an open invitation for me and for you and for whomsoever will to have a divine appointment with God. :-)

Ouch!

2010-12-01T06:46:00.000-08:00

Headache's been here for 3 days now. Bummer. Feels like I've been hit on the right side of my temple with the sledge hammer and the pain is just radiating all over my entire head. I'd been doing good staying away from pain meds, but the last few days I've been popping 'em like mad. *sigh*

I've still be staying away from caffiene, eating healthy (or trying to), drinking lots of water, and doing moderate excercise. HOWEVER, I have stopped taking a medication that I have been on for about 3 years and I'm wondering if there is any coorelation? I feel pretty bad, and next week is my final in this nursing class so not good timing at all to be feeling bad. BOO! I want to hibernate, but I just can't afford to... I've GOT to study. No rest for the weary, eh? LOL

Good day.

2010-11-24T04:49:00.000-08:00

Exciting news! My brother is home from serving in Afghanistan. He's only home a total of 9 days before he goes back to the base where he is stationed, but it's wonderful to see him and know he's okay.

My health is been cooperating since he's been here. HOORAY! I've done some reading that chocolate and tea really trigger headaches, so much to my dismay I've cut them both out of my diet. I've also started Weight Watchers in hopes that eating healthier would help my headaches some. I'm happy to report that while I still feel pain every day, it's not bad enough to take pain medication every single day. HOORAY! That's my goal - just to get off the pain medication. Also, I've been able to walk 2 miles a couple days a week. That in itself is amazing. It wasn't too long ago that I couldn't get off the couch. Just the thought of imobilizing my head was painful. LOL

So my brother is home and my head is okay. You'd think it couldn't get any better, and yet it is. Just took the last test of this nursing class and made a 'B'. That means that I'm going into the final with a 'B' average. Galations 6:9 is so true!

Is this weird?

2010-10-13T18:47:00.000-07:00

This week there are 2 funeral's for people that I love. One is for a man that I have grown up with in church. Another is a dear friend's mother.

When I was first getting better, I couldn't sleep at night and I would stay up chatting with my friend Cliff. There were many nights that we'd talk about our funeral's. It just dawned on me that really, I'd talk and he'd listen. Cliff was such a good listener. I know that sounds really strange, but I guess since death looked us straight in the face, and eventually took over his, it didn't seem so strange.

Since he's passed, I haven't really even thought anything about it, but going to the first funeral for the man that I grew up with yesterday just jolted back those memories. And so I'm thinking of how I'd like it to be. Is that weird? Today I e-mailed an old pastor and asked him one of my requests. When I told my husband, he laughed and said that people will think I'm suicidal! LOL

I know who I'd like to come preach my service and I'd like the song, "I Can Only Imagine" sang and "Bring the Rain" with a slideshow of pictures. I'd also like the song, "Oh, What A Day" sang (I'd like it sang when my ashes are scattered or at my graveside).

And I know funeral's are supposed to be really sad, but I would be so honored if Jesus felt welcomed to come and move in our midst. I'd love nothing more than if He did something amazing and beautiful. So beforehand, before the service, I'd really like for as many people that could to gather together and pray. Wouldn't it be so awesome if His presence was there waiting as family started filtering in?

I really would like to be cremated, but my family doesn't feel comfortable with that. So if I am to be buried, I do NOT want an open casket. I do not want anyone looking at me when I'm dead - even at the viewing. Call me vain, but I don't want anyone's last memory of me to be dead full of makeup in hopes of looking alive. I just think it's gross and weird.

If I am cremated, I'd like my ashes scattered. I'd like Martin to scatter them somewhere outside. Somewhere that I'd be happy. I trust his judgement - no one knows me any better.

BUT I really don't think that any of that will ever happen. Honestly, I think that Jesus will come back before I ever die. He's kept me alive when He could have easily let me go plenty of times before. It's just one of those things just in case. So many times people die and loved ones have no idea what they would have wanted. So now everyone will know just what I would want. :-)

Nothing exciting to report

2010-10-11T13:16:00.000-07:00

Went to neurologist today. Increased Topamax dosage to 50 MG and added a stronger pain medicine. I had misunderstood and thought that my DR thought I had migrains, but he doesn't. He just think it's chronic vascular headaches. *sigh* That sounds about right.

My hubby went with me and was able to ask a lot of questions. I was proud that he didn't "attack" my DR, but he did express concern. When we left he told me that he learned a lot.

Patience is a virtue that we're learning, huh? LOL

Are YOU "The Weeping Prophet"?

2010-10-04T06:12:00.001-07:00

Yesterday at church, Hosea was talked about. Hosea, ''The Weeping Prophet", Hosea. Hosea, the guy that God asked to marry a prostitute, Hosea. Hosea, the guy God asked to have children of unfaithfulness, Hosea. Hosea, the guy that God saw as a good guy but still asked to live a really heart-breaking life, Hosea. I must admit, as I was sitting through church I was thinking, "Oh God! Please, please please! Don't let me be like Hosea!!!! Don't be allowing me to endure this pain permanently! I don't wanna be a weeping anyone!" (-:

I will admit that I always thought of myself like the 3 Hebrew boys. Maybe God will deliver me, and maybe He won't, but either way - He's STILL God and I'm STILL going to serve Him. That being said, I never thought that my suffering would last so long! LOL I thought it'd be more briefly felt like that of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. Or even like that of Daniel and spending a night with lions. A night? *rolls eyes* That, I can definitely do! But THIS... Well, this hasn't been a night... or two... or a couple months...

And so there are times, many times lately, that I find myself crying and saying, "Oh Lord! I just can't do this! I'm too tired. I'm too weak. Can't I just be done?" But then I realize how right my prayers are. I can't do it. And I am tired. And I am weak. But thankfully, I serve a God that offers rest to the weary! I serve a God that is all strength! I serve a God that tells me to cast ALL my cares on Him (and He doesn't stop there) because He cares for ME!!!

Back to Hosea. So at first, I was a little discouraged. Hard to find THAT silver lining. Oh, but there is one. See, there was a reason that God asked for Hosea to live such a heart-wrenching life. Even though it's easy for our initial reaction to be, "What kind of a God would make a good man live such a terrible life?" The answer? A God with such unimaginable love that we can't even fathom. The first 10 chapters of Hosea paint such a vivid image of how sad God was that Israel totally turned away from Him... (And truthfully, some of it will step on your toes if you're not careful, at least it did mine!) But in Chapter 11... Oh it'll just rip your heart out. God remembers Israel so fondly. He speaks of the nation of Israel like is His own child. And He makes this statement in Hosea 11:9 "I will not carry out my fierce anger,nor will I turn and devastate Ephraim. For I am God, and not man — the Holy One among you. I will not come in wrath." Wow, how right was God when He said, I'm not a man. Cause after all that Israel had done, I would have wanted to come out with my head spinning around and eyes flaming.

So back to why God asked Hosea to be the "chosen one" to get to live a life mirroring the heart-break of God... because God saw that much in him. Hosea was a good guy. Good enough that God chose him to be a prophet of His beloved nation. Isn't that a humbling thought? The same can be thought of for those 3 Hebrew boys, or Daniel, or one of my all-time hero's, Job. God thought enough about these men to allow the trials in their lives...

So I'm guessing if you're going through things, like ALWAYS going through things, and you just can't pin-point why, maybe it's because God sees something in you that you don't see in yourself.

Dear God, can You hear me?

2010-10-02T08:18:00.000-07:00

The headaches are no better. It's getting hard to stay positive with this constant roaring in my head. Pain meds and the Topamax only seem to quiet the roar, but it's still there... always there... It wakes me in my sleep. It keeps me awake at night. I hate it. I honestly, literally hate it.

I make it through the motions. Go to class. Smile at the right times. Answer when my name is called. But it's wearing me out. I'm so exhausted. So drained. My stupid head just throbs.

This is ridiculous.

And then, to make things just loads MORE fun, last week I noticed my left hand was numb. It's been numb all week. I haven't said a word to anyone. My mom would panic, and how many times have I been in the hospital with false alarms? My husband would freak out too and goodness knows that he's got more than enough on his plate right now. Already I feel overwhelmed with guilt at the way he's killing himself working so much overtime just so we can be finanicially "okay". He works 10-12 hour days 6 days a week praying that I graduate soon so he can finally take a breather and cut down his hours to be like a normal person. And all the while he comes home to find me curled up on the couch, asleep in pain, no dinner cooked, laundry behind, house a mess, etc.

Oh God, I know that there are people in this world with real problems, and yet this is real to me. I don't know if I'm strong enough to keep this going. I'm in pain. We keep trying different medicine and different doses and nothings helping. Now this numbness and I don't know if it's just in my head or what. I'm struggling in school but darn it if I can't study because I hurt so bad that I just sleep all the time, but I can't quit! My family's depending on me. I can't have my husband working like this forever!! I've become a horrible wife. I'm a terrible mother. I barely go to church. I shower only to put pajamas back on. I'm becoming depressed.

I know who You are. But trusting You without understanding You is becoming really hard. God, just please grant me the grace to continue on. Give me the strength to continue breathing. To not become overwhelmed. Help me, Lord, to cast all my cares on You. I believe that You care for me. No matter how silly and insignificant my whining may seem. If this is important to me, I know it's important to You. God, I know that You can heal me. I know that You can deliver me. BUT if You choose not to, I will love and serve You anyway. For You are my Creator! And even though I don't understand why You created me to have these headaches, I know that I am wonderfully and fearfully made. I know that You created me after Your image. You love me. You didn't allow me to face this out of anything but love. And I know that I am not walking this journey alone. For thou art with me... Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me... Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell, in the house of the Lord forever...

Thankful I'm alive. Guess it's better than the alternative.

2010-09-18T05:10:00.000-07:00

I saw my general MD Thursday. We talked about the new addition of the Topamax. He said that if fatigue was the only side effect I was seeing, then I was doing great. And that these side effects generally get better over time, so I should just try to tough it out. From my studies, I do know that is the case with a lot of drugs. *sigh* I just hate medicines. I don't want to take any of them. I don't want to deal with any side effects. Oh well, could be, and has been, worse.

Taking a much different approach in school this test. I've studied a whole lot less because I seem to over study (if that's possible) and then bomb the mess out of tests. I'll probably get the hang of this test thing at the very end of school! HA

My best friend is going through something really horrible right now and that's sort of had me preoccupied as well. God's really teaching me some things through this right now, none of which is easy. :-)

Anyway, I broke down and told my husband how mentally and physically exhausted I am. I think depression is trying it's best to lurk it's ugly head in the doorway of my heart as well, and I'm getting too weak to fight it alone. It's been great having his support. Now I know that I'm not a lone at the feet of Jesus crying out in desperation, I have my husband there beside me as well. I'm one lucky gal.

Here's the crack...

2010-09-12T17:36:00.000-07:00

I know it could be worse. I know that I have so much to be thankful for. BUT I'm so tired. My head hurts so bad. It wakes me up at night. It hurts all day. Popping pills only helps to take the edge off, and then I get to deal with being all doped up and sleepy. So basically, I can trade one evil for another.

Faking smiles is getting exhausting. Trying to force myself to stay encouraged is getting exhausting. My kids just want to be kids and I catch myself cringing at the sound of their laughter because it just pierces my head like a dagger. My husband longs to talk to me about his life and I'm just so tired that I can barely focus. As for me, I've become a bore. All I have to talk about is the same ol' same ol'. Still feel crummy. Still struggling through school. Still barely holding on. *sigh*

Last week my neurologist switched me to Topamax. It has to build up in my system, so I don't know how it's working yet. I hate pills. I don't want to take pills. I just downed a handful of 5 pills before I sat to pour my heart out and I despise it. However, I've tried just tossing them in the bottom drawer and been 'non-compliant' but that just landed me in the hospital. Ugh.

I really don't want to complain. Really I don't. But I'm so tired. So tired. My head hurts so bad. I'm too young for this. Will I live like this forever? If so, God come quickly! Lately, I just keep thinking of the promise of heaven and how there will be no more pain... I can't even imagine a life pain free!!!

I'm trying to be strong. I'm trying to be positive and look on the bright side. But the bright side is getting a little hard to see right now...

I'm not doing so hot in school right now and I have to wonder if it's because of these headaches and medications and lack of sleep? However, I am absolutely positively determined that I will finish school. That stupid tumor has stolen a lot of things from me, but my degree will not be one of them. I just feel like that is one thing that I still have some control over, which really that's false. I don't really have control over anything. Something could happen tomorrow and put me out of commission. But it's good to dream! LOL

So, there's the crack in my little fascade. And even though I am so incredibly weak, I know without a doubt that He is so strong. God, let me snuggle up to You and find rest. Thank You that there is rest for the weary.

Hear these praises, from a grateful heart...

2010-08-10T08:02:00.000-07:00

There are things that I could complain about, but instead, I want to focus on all the things that I have to be grateful for.

First off, I praise God for life. More specifically that I am alive both physically and spiritually. I've been near-death on both accounts, and should be dead... And yet He chose life for me.

And not only am I alive, but I am well. Things aren't perfect for me, but things are so much better than they could/should be. I'm so thankful that while there are a few things that I cannot do, there are much more things that I can do!!!! Lord, let me NEVER forget where you've brought me from.

I thank God that my family is healthy! I'm thankful that it's been me to face these health struggles and not my children. Thank You, Lord for keeping them from harm. I am so blessed.

I thank Him for a godly husband. A husband that loves God and loves his family. A husband that works hard and is a wonderful provider. A husband that leads us and encourages me to be a better person. A husband with unending faith. A husband that is truly my best friend. A husband that worships God beside me and reads the Word to me. A husband that gives me advice with the help of Scriptures.

I thank God for being a provider!!! We may be only 1 income right now, but we have NEVER gone without. Makes me think of what King David said, "I have never seen the righteous forsaken or their children begging bread". When we line up our bills and our income, our income is always so short - yet it always covers our bills! We may not have much left over, but we are always so well taken care of.

I thank God for being a prayer-answering God. Sometimes His answers aren't what I had in mind... Sometimes accepting His answers isn't always easy. But He ALWAYS answers. And His answers are always the best.

I thank Him for loving me. I am so incredibly unworthy. And yet, while I was a sinner (so when I was at my worst!!) Christ died for me!!!! He loves the despicable me and He loves the "good" me. He loves me when I'm smiling and He loves me when I'm crying. He loves me when I feel good and He loves me when I feel bad.

I thank Him for the friends and family that He placed in my life. How awesome and incredible that He knows just who I need and when. How wonderful that His grace is shown through people, and that I am blessed to feel it a lot!

I thank Him that I've been delivered from the girl I once was. I don't think the same or act the same. I don't talk the same or walk the same (literally - HA). I can related to the man in the Bible that was crazy and lived naked in a cave... but Jesus delivered him!! I am now clothed and in my right mind! Oh hallelujah!

I praise God that His vision isn't limited like mine. He sees beyond imperfections and weakness, because He knows his strength and perfection!!

I'm thankful that He is true to His Word and that He keeps His promises. Even when I may have forgotten His promises, or feel too unworthy for His Word - He never falters and never changes. He is the same yesterday, and today, and forever!

I'm so thankful that He hears my hearts cry and He sees my every tear. No matter what is troubling me, He says, "Be not troubled!!!!" and "Cast your cares on (me)"!

Oh Jesus, how wonderful You are! What a mighty God I serve!! Lord, let my every breath utter praises to Your Name. Help me, God, to always remember to count my blessings instead of looking at my troubles. I know where my help comes from - and Your grace truly is sufficient.

Yep... I'm bragging! :-)

2010-07-28T04:54:00.000-07:00

For ages I had been fine. No headaches. No other symptoms. Just a 'normal' healthy person. And then I started the summer semester of nursing school in May. And a week after classes started, WHAM. The headaches came roaring back.

It was rough. I was convinced that the tumor was back. Thankfully, and MRI proved me wrong. But the headaches were still there and roaring like a madman. So off to the neurologist I went. We've been trying all kinds of different migraine medications, and I had a big decision to make - whether or not I was going to try to tough it out in school. Summer nursing classes are just crazy talk, but I'm one crazy girl. And so I stayed.

Nursing school, my two kids at home for the summer, and killer headaches... This summer has just been great! LOL And yet Monday was the final, and I managed to pull a B off on it. And a B in the class!!!! :-) I must say, I'm VERY proud and determined that I am not allowing that stupid brain tumor to steal anything else from me!! I just refuse. :-)

3 more semesters left and I'll be an R.N. Brain tumor or not, I'm still going to live my dreams!

Sad day

2010-07-15T06:25:00.000-07:00

*sad sigh* I don't even know where to begin... My feelings and thoughts are so muddled right now and I feel a million different things all at once. A couple years ago now, shortly after my brain tumor/surgery, I begin looking on the internet for others like me and any kind of information about the tumor that I had. I found one friend... one good friend... He was fighting a brain tumor that was mostly in his brain stem. And he was fighting hard.

We chatted on-line and kept up with one another's blogs, and he was like a God-send for me. While I'm blessed to have a wonderful support system around me, and a good relationship with God, there was just something different about being able to talk to someone else walking in my shoes. We'd talk about normal things like food or our kids, and then we'd talk about not-so-normal things like how we wanted our funeral to be. Sometimes I wouldn't be able to sleep and when I logged on-line, I'd see my friend. He kept me company when I was at my lowest, and we'd rejoice together when MRI's came back with good news (for either of us).

But through it all, I was the lucky one. His tumor was as tough as he was and just wouldn't go away. He struggled so much... It's amazing to me how much fight he had in him. And sometimes, talking with him and I'd feel guilty. Guilty that I complain about a stupid headache and being back on 3 medications when he fought to just breathe and took a million different pills. Guilty that I'm doing well, and he wasn't. Guilty that I can drive and walk and bathe myself, and he just couldn't. And I'd share that with him and he'd LOL me... And tell me that I shouldn't feel guilty because he was happy for me.

Gosh, it's so funny to be wiping tears off my face over a guy that I never even met... But I can't tell you how much I'll miss him and how much I wish he could've won his fight.

Waaaa waaa waaaaa

2010-07-01T05:20:00.000-07:00

My dumb ol' headaches are NOT getting better dispite medication changes. I hate complaining and I hate being a sour-puss, but that's all I seem to do. :-( My head constantly hurts. I never get a full nights sleep cause I wake up because of the pain. I'm always tired. The medicine makes me feel loopy. I hate this. WAAAA!!!!

I'm not "fun" right now. I hate having music cranked up, I avoid swimming (my favorite past-time of all) because I try to steer clear of the bright sunlight, and I don't have the energy to get off my couch. I must be the worst 27 year-old in history.

I got back to the neurologist next week. *sigh* We'll see?

Ho' hum

2010-06-23T18:04:00.000-07:00

Made it through the half-way point at school. Surprisingly, I'm doing pretty well! :-) However, still fighting with stupid headaches. I started seeing a new neurologist and he's been pretty aggresive with finding a treatment for these 'migraines'. I'm still a little skeptical about the whole migraine thing, but I must say that the latest group of medicines is making the headaches a lot more bearable.

I'm on a steriod (which I was NOT too happy about), and the same daily migraine medicine and night-time stuff. We've increased the dose in the night-time stuff, and I'm no longer waking up in the middle of the night with my head throbbing. While that's great, I don't want to have to take 3 different types of medicine every day just to function. Boo.

But things are over-all going well. School's great. My clinicals are awesome and the best part of my week! I'm getting more sleep each night and things are looking up. (-;

Good news and not so great news.

2010-05-29T05:52:00.000-07:00

Thursday I went to the hospital. I'd taken an embarassing ugly fall in the middle of the store the day before. That was enough for me (and my doctor) to want to go ahead and do the MRI ASAP. So, the MRI came back clean!! Only saw the bulging disks up near my neck and the fingers in my brain stem. The doctor didn't see "significant changes" in those fingers, so I'm A-Okay. However, they labeled me as now having migrains.

Never even thought about migrains, but I was given some new meds. One of them is to help me sleep at night and it's definately done it's job. The last 2 nights I have slept better than I have in WEEKS. The rest has taken care of that confused/wobbly feeling. The other one is a headache medicine. (So we're just taking care of the symtoms, which made me pretty angry at first. I want to FIX whatever is wrong, not mask it.) The headache medicine is a little strong, so yesterday I only took it when I got home (at 5 in the afternoon) - meaning I had a massive headache all day.

Like the crazy person that I am, I've decided to still tackle school. I was in class for 8 hours yesterday, and it was hard but I did it. So yay for me. Today I feel like a "fighter" and I feel a surge of strength that I didn't have a couple weeks ago. So hooray for not letting sickness over-power me, rob me, or cheat me out of anything. I'm gonna kick it's tail and then laugh at it. Just cause I can. (-:

I've seen better days...

2010-05-25T04:31:00.001-07:00

I'll whine here since I don't want to freak my family out, but... I feel AWFUL. My head hurts worse than words can describe. And I'm wondering if I've made a mistake by signing up for school this summer. My classes start tomorrow and I honestly don't know how on earth I'm going to sit in class for 6 hours, much less be able to think clearly.

Yesterday I tried making it all through the day without pain medication to get myself ready for classes, and I haven't taken anything yet, but I'm going to have too. This stinks. Wwwaaaa! LOL

Neurology appointment still looms in a couple weeks. A couple weeks?!?!? Will I make it a couple weeks? And then, what if there is nothing "wrong"? How will we "fix" this then??? Maybe I sound worried, but I really think that I'm just more frusterated.

Is "IT" back?

2010-05-24T06:17:00.001-07:00

I guess it's been about 2 weeks now that I've been experiencing symptoms. The most annoying symptom has been extreme fatigue. I haven't been sleeping well at night - most nights are either filled with nightmares or interrupted by constant waking up. I wake up feeling exhausted and I nap once or twice a day and STILL feel tired.

Another pretty annoying symptom has been trouble urinating. That may be TMI (too much information), but it's true. While I feel the urge to void, it has been very difficult to actually go. Then once I start, I can only seem to get little spurts out and never really empty my bladder. Very aggravating.

The headaches have also started back. It's hard to describe, but my entire head hurts. Anywhere you see hair on my head is pretty much where my headache is. It feels almost like a lot of pressure... Almost as if my head is too heavy for my neck to hold up.

On top of all that, I feel a little foggy. You know that feeling you get when you take Nyquil right before you fall asleep? That confused drugged feeling? That's how I feel - constantly. Strange, right?

Other things that I've noticed is a lack of balance. I've stumbled, fallen, or walked into walls quite a few times recently. Short-term memory loss (although I've battled this for years now since the surgery). Shortness of breath, or panting, after very minimal exertion (like showering). Blurred vision. In fact, I've noticed this for a couple months now and even went to have my eyes checked because of it. But eye sight was fine.

Hummm... I think that's all. Surely that's enough! LOL

The little bit of research that I've done is enough to try to scare me to death. When I had the surgery to remove the bulk of the tumor in my cerebellum, the surgeon informed me that there were "fingers" left in my brain stem. Looking at websites and different studies on brain stem defects and I've been experiencing majority of the symptoms listed. Of course I'm sure any physician would shudder at any patient trying to self-diagnose, and I really am trying my hardest not to worry - just curious.

Really, I don't feel as worried as I feel really aggravated. This is REALLY inconvenient. I start back to school in 2 days!!! And it's nursing school at that! It's 10 hour clinical days and 6 hour lecture times. I do not have time to be feeling bad.

As a bonus, my neurologist moved out of state, so I have an appointment to see a new neurologist June 8th. Fun. (-:

When there are giants in the land...

2010-01-23T07:33:00.000-08:00

Lately, my husband has been drawn to reading about Joshua (in the Bible). Last night we were with friends and he began to share some things. He was sharing how God had made a promise to Moses, but Moses passed away. Thing was, the chidren of Isreal had not recieved that promise yet, so God raised up Joshua. Basically He told Joshua that He still intended to fulfill all the promises that He'd made to Moses and Joshua was His man.

So, after 40 long years of wondering, the children of Isreal came across... THE PROMISE! I'm sure you know the story. The promise was actually a promised land. Joshua sent out 12 spies to take a look at the land and it's inhabitants. They came back and said, "We came unto the land whither thou sentest us, and surely it floweth with milk and honey; and this is the fruit of it. Nevertheless the people be strong that dwell in the land, and the cities are walled, and very great..." Numbers 13:27-28 And they went on to say, "And there we saw the giants, the sons of Anak, which come of the giants: and we were in our own sight as grasshoppers, and so we were in their sight." Numbers 13:33

So 10 of them came back saying, "Oh man!!! There are giants in this land! Guess we should just keep on looking cause this land is filled with HUGE people that are bigger and stronger than us. The city is well protected and great. We don't stand a chance."

I've heard a lot of sermons preached on these 10 spies... But one thing is true: they weren't wrong. Those 10 guys might have been a lot of things, but they weren't liars. The land WAS full of giants. There WAS no way that they could overtake such big dudes. THEY weren't strong enough. THEY weren't big enough. THEY couldn't do it.

Oh but 2 of those 12 knew something else. (Numbers 14:6-9) They saw the same giants and they knew their own incapabilities, but they also knew that they had a "secret weapon". They had God on their side! A God bigger than even those giants and stronger too. A God that said, "The things which are impossible with men are possible (for me). Luke 18:27" They had the God of the impossible!!

So I have to look at my life. I'm not wrong - there are things that are just too big for me. I'm not smart enough. I'm not strong enough. I can't do it... But that's okay because greater is He that is in me... There are some looming giants in my land, but I have an even bigger God walking right beside me each step of the way. And the wonderful thing? He is EVERYTHING that I'm not! He IS smart enough! He IS strong enough! He can do ALL things! And He's right beside me...

"Joshua 1:9 - Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the LORD thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest."

Man...

2009-12-11T07:55:00.000-08:00

It's been way too long... No worries, I'll have a post up soon!

Hi! My name is __________, and I'm....

2009-08-30T19:19:00.000-07:00

So I'm going to let you in on a little secret. Something that really isn't a secret at all because it's pretty evident in the pattern of my life, but nonetheless I have kept it under wraps for years and years... I'm a quitter. Terrified of failure to the point that I just seem to choke out and quit before I ever even have a chance to fail.

I've quit all sorts of wonderful things: school, relationships, jobs, etc. It's like a gross little self-sabotage trick that I pull over on myself. I've ducked out on multiple friendships to the point that I don't regard myself as a good friend whatsoever. I know, I know, you're thinking that I'm too hard on myself, but that's only because you don't know me. Really, I'm just being honest.

So now I'm in nursing school and it's tough and that grating little voice is already starting up in the back of my mind and it's saying, "Quit! Surely you don't think YOU can do this, do you??? You'll never make it! You're not smart enough or dedicated enough or whatever enough." And you know what? That voice is probably right. Actually, it is right. But quitting isn't the answer. Nope, not the answer at all.

See, for some reason I feel like I MUST have control and the minute something is too big for my hands I think that I've failed. Really that's not it at all. My hands are only so big, but what I fail to remember is that I'm not alone. Not at all!

I think that sometimes God allows really BIG things to come my way so that I can't even TRY to hold onto them and instead I'll lean into Him and let Him take the reigns. I think He's wanting me to give up some of that control and trust Him to be the controller.

Nursing school is absolutely crazy. It was a crazy idea from the beginning. It's crazy even now. And I can't do it. I can study and study and study and read and read and read, but when it comes down to it there are a million reasons why I can't possibly get through school. And sometimes I'm guilty of looking at those million reasons and maybe even adding to them. BUT there is One (reason) why this is possible. One (reason) why I can actually finish something. One (reason) that ever even made me come this direction in the first place. And if I can just focus on that One (reason), and not those million other insignificant ones, then I'll be just fine.

Hi! My name is Jessica and I'm not giving up!

Thinking of a couple dear friends of mine...

2009-08-16T18:17:00.000-07:00

Ever been sad? Guess that's a silly thing to ask really since feeling sad really just means being unhappy with something. I used to think that being sad was equivalent to not having faith. But then I've learned that isn't the case at all! Lots of times in the Bible we see accounts of people being unhappy. Unhappy with situations, unhappy with people, unhappy with themselves. Even Jesus was unhappy at times. Like hello?!?!? Remember, "Jesus wept"?

Lately I've felt unhappy. All around me, I've watched as sickness, hurt, anger, and a slew of other dealy missles perneated into the walls carefully guarding the lives of those I love. These toxic missiles have jabbed into the hearts and souls of their victims and threatened sure ruin.

And to be honest, the smoke from the hits has clouded my vision. Somehow along the way, my eyes have become focused on the crumbling stones of each wall. But thank God that He loves me so much, He sees me glaucoma and He clears up my vision!

Yes, sometimes, life is though. Being blasted by missiles is painful. Sometimes we've invited these shots by letting sin creep into our lives. Sometimes these shots are unwelcome intruders that catch us totally off guard. But for each and every one of these painful blows, our God is bigger and mightier than any attack strike.

When I was really sick, one of many scriptures that brought me comfort was John 9:3, "Jesus answered, Neither hath this man sinned, not his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him". There was this blind guy. Sounds like he'd fallen victim to some of these uninvited missiles. But guess why? So "that the works of God should be made manifest in him"!!! I guess that's an easy one to grasp because this guy, blind from birth, was miraculously healed. Sounds like the works of God were definately manifest in him, right?

Let's look at someone totally different, and my personal favorite guy in the Bible. Let's look at Job. Here this guy was a good guy. The Bible calls him "perfect" and "upright". So Job's a good guy, minding his own business, when suddenly - he loses it all. Job loses his children, his servants, his livelihood, his health, and the stability in his marraige. I don't think there was anything left for Job to lose but his life! And as the story goes, Job still praised God and didn't turn away from Him. The Bible says that God blessed the latter years of Job's life more than the beginning. And that may be so, but still he'd lost an awful lot. He still lost his children... He still endured some really rough times... Why? So that Job's love for God was proved to be just as strong in the horrid times as in the good times. Again, it sounds to me like the works of God were manifest in Job.

You know what strikes me? In either case, it was okay to be sad. It was okay because neither lost sight of who God is. God STILL heals, whether He spits in clay and heals your blinded eyes or not. He STILL cares about you whether you lose absolutely everything or not. God is STILL God, no matter how many missiles come our way. No matter if one stone crumbles in our lives or ten stones crumble, He is STILL God.

So I said all that to ask this: Maybe I'm sad. Maybe there are situations that I'm unhappy with. So what am I going to do? The ball's in my court, you know. He's already told me who He is. He's already told me what He can do. So it's really just up to me...

When His answer isn’t at all what we expected…

2009-07-23T13:57:00.000-07:00

There have been times in my life, LOTS of times actually, that the answer to my prayers seemed to be a massively big resounding “NO”. When the brain tumor was first found, or even more recently when I’ve faced tummy troubles, I felt like maybe I was a crummy Christian. Here people had teamed up with me in droves to pray, and yet that miraculous healing, the one that we claimed and the one I believed in – never seemed to happen. However, 17 months after brain surgery, God did miraculously heal me, but for those 17 dark and long months I was left untouched…

So I felt like maybe I was a crummy Christian because I didn’t see that miracle. Maybe my faith was in a bad state? Maybe I just had too much sin stacked up against me? Whatever the case was, somehow I felt that I must have done something not to “earn” His touch…

I remember several months ago having a day of feeling really horrible, new test results looking grim, and enjoying my little pity party when suddenly God hit me with a thought. “Remember Gethsemane…” Frantically, I remember looking up Jesus’ last prayer in Gethsemane. Jesus didn’t want to die… In fact, He prayed if there was anyway possible for Him to avoid this end, let it be! But we all know the story, Jesus still ended up marching up to that cross to be crucified for you and for me. Did He get a “NO”???

Recently a friend has received an answer to a prayer that just seems all wrong. I’ve been reminded of all this above, and then I’ve also thought of something else. Of course we are accustomed to how long God seems to take sometimes. Poor Sarah! How long did she pray before God finally gave her the answer to her prayer??? Or Moses. How long did that man wonder before his people ever reached the promise land??? Look at Job! That poor man lost EVERYTHING before he ever saw restoration! Stories like that were comforting to me when I finally received that miraculous healing, but sometimes… well, sometimes our answer is still just a plain ol’ “NO”…

Apostle Paul is a perfect example. If there is someone that is definitely NOT a crummy Christian in my eyes – it’s Paul. I can’t see him lacking faith and any sins in his life were obviously outweighed by the grace and mercy of God. And yet the Bible records not one… not two… but three times that Paul prayed for something and do you know the answer he got back? “NO.”

That just erases all feelings of ownership that I’ve ever carried around because I’m not the only one that has heard a “No” before. And just because His answer can be “No”, doesn’t mean that I lack faith. Remember what the 3 Hebrew boys said before they were tossed into that fiery furnace?? I’ll paraphrase, but they said, “There is no way that we are bowing to any idol. We believe that our God CAN deliver us, but if He chooses not too – He is STILL God!”

And I can agree with that wholeheartedly. Maybe God doesn’t always answer the way I want Him too, but He is STILL God.

Fear not...

2009-06-22T16:50:00.000-07:00

Isaiah 41:10 "Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness..."

Fear not, cause I'm not alone. Maybe there are times that everyone (but me-LOL) seems bonkers, or maybe there are times that I feel like I can't breathe... But I'm not alone...

Fear not, don't be dismayed. Why? Because He is MY God. My God!!!!! He alone is comfort and peace, which are the complete opposite feelings as being dismayed. And He is MINE!!!! Comfort and peace and all that He is belongs to me!!!!

Fear not, cause HE will strengthen me!!! I am so weak... Sometimes just feeling my own weakness is enough to make me want to crumble, and that's okay! Wasn't it Paul that wrote about decreasing so that He can increase? That being said, maybe I need to be reminded of my weakness because it is then that I truly remember (and need!!!) His strength.

Fear not, cause He will help me!!!! He'll help me!!!

Fear not, cause He will hold me up! More than that, He will uphold me! Do you know what that means?? He'll ensure that I keep my sanity! :-D (Said half joking!)

Maybe there is every reason to fear. Me, my flesh, totally wants to freak out. Loss of control, maybe. Loss of knowing the future... But not only has God told me there is no reason for me to fear, but there isn't anything my fear, or worry, or stress will accomplish. I can worry myself into a frenzy, but that's not going to suddenly shed light on all that is to come.

So how smart is my God? :-D

Trusting without understanding...

2009-06-10T19:40:00.001-07:00

“Let not your heart be troubled” (John 14:1): these words keep running through my mind over and over like a broken record, and yet my heart is troubled. )-:

Isaiah 41:10 “Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God; I will strengthen thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.”
What a perfect scripture for me! I do feel afraid! I do feel dismayed. I feel really weak and it’s funny cause I’m scared I might slip. Yet He tells me that it’s okay. He’ll hold me up… He tells me not to be afraid… Because He is God! He is MY God!! And He will never leave my side.

Strange how I felt more at peace when I had that crazy brain tumor then I do now. That was a situation of life and death, but this isn’t. No one is dying! It’s going to all be okay, and yet my heart feels so broken …

And again I’m faced with faith. Real faith. Not just saying that I have faith, but it’s actually time for the rubber to hit the road.

Once again it’s time for me to live out Proverbs 3:5-6. “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct they paths.” That is a beautiful scripture to say, but living it is a little harder… Trusting in God, in a plan that I can’t see or touch – a plan that I have no control over, isn’t so easy… Leaning not unto what I can see or what I can comprehend is hard… In all my ways to acknowledge Him??? Guess that means I can’t camp out in bed with the covers pulled over my head and a tub of cookie dough my companion. (-: Because if I can keep on keeping on, if I can continue to trust my God and follow Him and acknowledge Him, then He WILL direct my path… See, everything will be okay. Even if it doesn’t feel like it now… Even if it doesn’t look like it now… It will! He’s promised that it would be okay. And I do trust Him… I don’t understand Him, but I trust Him. (-:

I love being "in love"!!!!

2009-05-26T11:47:00.001-07:00

As the rain steadily falls on the ground outside, I can't help but allow my gaze to wonder out the window and daydream about Him... The One whose love is as steady as this rain...

I've not always been in love with Him... Didn't even know it was really possible and even if it was possible, I was too busy trying to "hide" from Him... Sometimes I think that if I don't make eye contact with people, then they can't see me. Dumb, I know, but if I'm having a bad hair day or something, I find my eyes resting most comfortably on the ground. Just like a baby playing hide or seek, I feel like by covering my own eyes and vision - I'm covering up everyone else's too. Such has been the case with my relationship with God.

I've always known that I'm undeserving of His love, and sometimes "church" or other people would be quick to remind me of how many faults did riddle through me. Flaky and a failure, I never thought that He could love me and I was horrified at the thought of Him seeing me... Maybe like Eve in the garden, when she hid behind the cover of leaves...

But how delighted and awed I am that no matter how undeserving I may be, I am HIS and He loves me! I have been dirty and untouchable like Mary Magdalene; disobedient like Jonah; irrational and short on patience like Moses; blinded by doubt like Peter; maker of some pretty bad choices like Saul (aka Paul); simple and poor like Joseph; a strange misfit like Ezekiel; lonesome like Noah, BUT thankfully that doesn't make His love for me any less! In fact, knowing that I am undeserving and unworthy just reminds me of how incredibly wonderful He is!!!

Sometimes I've welcomed in a pity-party and sadly pointed out all my faults... I've blown up all my shortcomings so big that I've lost sight... I AM a failure! I AM sin-riddled, but I don't have to be guilt-ridden because He is above any fault and shortcoming that may be in me! His requirements aren't that I earn His love... They aren't that I be good enough to lie at His feet... He's better than that! He's so amazing that He is STILL God no matter who or what I am! AND HE LOVES ME! Certainly He wants the best for me, but His greatness and mercy isn't contingent on me at all!

So I gaze out the window and there is a slight smile on my lips as I think about Him... As I think about His unfailing love... As I rejoice in the fact that He will NEVER leave me and He will NEVER forsake me! I am His, and He loves me! Maybe He shouldn't. I mean, lots of people haven't or don't, but God isn't like anyone we know... He is GOD! His standards aren't even close to those of men!!! It's so hard to comprehend sometimes... Sometimes it would make more sense if I could neatly file Him into categories that I've learned from people, but He's just too grand to fit in any of them. (-; And man am I glad...
My Knight in Shining Armor... My Prince of Peace... My Savior... My Counselor... My Comfort... My HEALER... My Restoration... My Lord and My God... Oh!!! How I love You!!!

I dreamt "it" came back...

2009-05-18T07:11:00.001-07:00

It never ceases to amaze me how "real" dreams can seem. The emotions that they can muster up feel more real than so many feelings we feel while we are awake. And yet, dreams are so fleeting and usually completely forgotten within hours or days of filling our minds.

Last night, I dreamt that the brain tumor was back. I was older, but not at all old, and I remember so vividly lying in the hospital bed... I remember the feel of the stiff sheets against my skin and the sterile smells floating through the room... And most of all I can remember the grim faces of my mom and my husband.

I was dying, and I was completely aware of that fact, yet I felt no fear. Maybe because I've already faced that monster. Maybe I was just too drugged up to feel anything. I find the latter hard to believe though because I did feel. I felt sad that my mom would have to bury her only daughter and I felt sad to be leaving my husband and my two beautiful children. Yet the feeling that was the strongest was joy!

There I was, dying in a hospital room, and joy was racing through my veins. Joy because I had come to know and fall in love with my Savior. Me! Unworthy pitiful little me... Joy because while my life has been like any other with its' ups and downs, it has been full of wonder and amazement! Joy because my crazy split up family is MY family and somehow God has restored all the many cracks and thinking of them causes love to surge through my heart. Joy because I have been lucky enough to find and marry my very best friend. Joy because of every laugh that I've laughed and every smile that I've smiled. Joy because I was chosen to care for the two most beautiful most perfect children in all of creation.

And when I awoke from my dream, it left me feeling so grateful for every reason that I have to rejoice out of sheer joy. Is life perfect? Oh of course not. But there are so many reasons to dance! And that is exactly what I'll do. I will dance for all the joys in my life!

Lesson from my 3 year-old...

2009-05-12T20:22:00.000-07:00

Many of you have heard the story of little Ward Wright. Apparently, even my son is familiar with Ward's fight because this afternoon he stopped me dead in my tracks. Caleb brought me his prized posession, a little hand held Cars game that is his favorite toy. He asked me if he could give it to his friend, Ward. Keep in mind that my 3 year-old son has never met little Ward and no one ever asked for him to give anything... And yet he came to me with his favorite toy and insisted that we give it to Ward...

The lesson my son taught me brought tears to my eyes. First off, he even wanted to give something to a stranger... But more importantly, he chose to give his prized posession. He didn't pick out a toy that he never plays with, or maybe something half working. He insisted on giving a little boy that he has never met his absolute favorite toy.

What is my prized posession? And would I give my most treasured posession away? Would I give it away willingly without being asked? Would I give it away to someone that I have never even met? Sometimes it's easy to give when it's not a sacrifice for me, but what if it is???

Thank you Lord for speaking through the mouths of babes...

It's been a while...

2009-05-11T19:35:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I've shared my thoughts, but that doesn't mean that my mind isn't churning... Writing helps me to get a handle on what it is that is running through my mind, but sharing leaves me feeling open and vulnerable. It used to be that the thought of being vulnerable was extremely frightening, but now I find a liberty in being transparent. When I muster up the courage to be open and honest with the world, I find that I can't hide from myself or God... Perhaps that doesn't make sense to anyone but me! It's totally against my nature to expose my thoughts, faults, and fears, and yet when I do, things start to make sense, seem forgivable, and aren't scary anymore...

Perhaps I find accountability in sharing my thoughts... perhaps it is some level of understanding that I gain... or perhaps there is someone out there thinking or feeling the same things as me... Whatever the case may be, I find answers and I find solace in seeing my feelings typed out across the screen in front of me.

So right now I’ve been drawn to the Book of Ezekiel… I’m only about halfway through really reading and searching through it, but there is one thing that has really stuck out to me big time… God is disgusted by the actions of Israel, and yet, more than once He says that He is acting on who He is rather than how He feels… (Chapter 20 has 4 different mentions of this!) To me that is massive!! There are multiple times in my life that my actions must have totally disgusted God, and yet instead of acting out in disgust or anger or disappointment, He treated me with who He is… He treated me with love because He is love… He treated me with patience because He is patience… He treated me with kindness because He is kind…

And then I am convicted knowing that I allow my hot-temper to get the best of me at times and I totally act out in how I feel and not who He has allowed me to become… Just recently I verbalized my disappointment because I was expressing how I felt instead of holding my tongue and expressing who it is that He has made me… And for whatever reason, He has chosen to make me into someone drastically different than the girl I was before, yet I have been guilty of not allowing that change to shine through me by acting out with my emotions rather than the person that God is molding me into.

And so, I am eternally grateful that He speaks to me… That His word is ALIVE! It lives and breathes and if we are still, we can hear it speak directly to us…

sung horribly loud and off key HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!

2009-05-05T04:12:00.000-07:00

So today is a reason for me to celebrate and praise God for another year of life!! There was a time, not so long ago, that I was like Job (in the 3rd chapter). I didn't curse the day I was born, but I did curse surviving the surgery only to go through 17 long months of seriously hard recovery. In the latter months of the painful recovery, I would cry out to God and ask Him why He spared me to allow me to endure so much heartache. I felt like death on the operating table would have been better than barely living...

Ah, but God's vision isn't limited like mine! He knew that my pain was only temporary and that the hike up the mountain might be hard, and lonely, and exhausting, but once I reached the top the view would take my breath away. How right He was (isn't He always)!

Today is the 2nd birthday that I've been given since my brain surgery and it's amazing to look down at the long hike we've (God and I) climbed. Not only have I learned so much, changed so much, but I have seen blessing after blessing.

30 days have passed since God miraculously and graciously granted restoration to me. In those 30 days, I have been radically healed and pain-free; relationships that I thought were long gone have come back to life; and promises from long ago have come to my rememberance and are beginning to come true... My faith has also been restored because everything that I always believed that God is, He proved to me that He is.

And so today, on the most glorious day there is (j/k), I am lifting my hands and praising God for the hardest longest trial that I have ever endured. The climb was really hard... really painful... really discouraging... Sometimes, I felt all alone... Like Job, I looked everywhere and couldn't "find" God. But that was okay. He knew right where I was. Like the Casting Crowns song says, "You are who You are no matter where I am..."

And now the view is absolutely amazing and I am humbled that He said, "Have you considered my servant, Jessica?" He thought a lot more of me that I do/did. I would have NEVER thought that I'd make it through such a battle, but He had such a faith and confidence that we'd (Him and I) get through and I would be all the better for it!

God, I thank You more than words can say. I thank You for holding my hand when times were tough and for holding my hand and dancing with me now on this mountain top. I know trials will come my way again, because such is life, but I know without a shadow of a doubt that Your word is true! You will never leave me and never forsake me. Over and over Your Word tells me to fear not, because You are with me!!!

Day 26 of being pain FREE!!!!

2009-05-01T11:33:00.000-07:00

Oh my gosh! Talking to my Pastor just now and it dawned on me that I am a NEW creature!! ALL things have become new!!! I know that is often used for the new birth experience, but that is EXACTLY how I feel!! Each and every day of my life now, there is something that I find that I can do that I couldn't before!! 26 days pain free and STILL dancing!

Today I bought some heels. ME!!! I bought high heels!!! I was told that I would never regain "full" balance and thought that I would forever be in flats and tennis shoes, but today I bought some gorgeously fierce shoes with heels on them!!!

Okay, so maybe that doesn't excite you. How 'bout this: I am also peeling! I am peeling because I swam on Tuesday. I SWAM!!! I was able to put my head under water and everything!!!! I haven't been able to do that in almost 18 months because of the pressure difference and all, but there I was too busy doing cannon balls and yelling to put sun block on!!! Two summers have come and gone with me just longing to be able to join my kids in the pool and now I can!!!

Oh how TRUE my God is!! How awesome and mighty is His Word!!! Everything in those leather pages are real! They are true! And they still apply to you and to me!! We are all undeserving, but that just makes Him even greater!! That He loves us still. *happy sigh* I love Him.

The End - for now!

Restoration

2009-04-20T19:25:00.000-07:00

At physical therapy today, my husband got to come with me. I had a series of new tests today to compare with when I was initially assessed. For example, today I had to touch my left shoulder with my left ear. Before, I was only able to get my head down 18 degrees. My 'goal' for today was an increase of 10 degrees. I was able to bend my head a full 50 degrees. My physical therapist admitted that was better than HER "scores". So then I had a ton of other stuff to do that would rate my dizziness. Before, my dizziness ratings were really bad. In fact, I was listed as severly dizzy and a fall risk. Today, I was rated as completely normal. I couldn't keep the tears away and my husband was grinning ear to ear.

My therapist told me that she would love to keep seeing me, but honstely can't justify a reason for me to keep coming in. I'll finish the week out and then discharged on Friday (I was scheduled to go until my next MRI appointment in June)!! Then, she asked if I would mind if they used me as a case study because no one in the building had ever seen such a radical "improvement". How awesome is my God???

17 long months... 17 months of pain, and medication, and sleepless nights, and worry, and misery - and there isn't a light at the end of the tunnel because the tunnel has been blown up and I am in full sunlight!!!! How precious is the God that I serve?? Of course, He didn't have to touch me at all. I could've died 17 months ago when death looked me in the eye... But to radically heal me?? I mean, RADICALLY??? It's so hard to explain how WONDERFUL I feel, because it was hard to explain how horrible I felt before.

But when God touched me, I wasn't promised healing. I was promised a restoration - and you just don't even know how TRUE that has been!!! Being healed is just the beginning!!! Relationships that I never thought could ever be revived again have began to breath... Promises that were made to me so long ago are beginning to be fulfilled... Parts of me - my personality, my desires, my prayers - have resurfaced and are becoming a part of me again... For so long, I was in a famine... So lost... So confused... So hurt... Oh but that famine is over!!! I am dancing in the rain! The wonderous rain is washing away all that I had settled on and restoration is budding and blooming all around me...

I don't know how to express my thoughts, but I'm not at a loss for words! LOL

2009-04-18T23:05:00.000-07:00

Staying up late just because I want too... because I'm enthralled in a book or because I'm covered in paint and glue or because I'm writing a love letter to the One that I love the most...

Showering in the morning and feeling the warm spray on my skin... lifting my head up towards the ceiling and allowing my eyes to rest upon the ceiling above while I lift both of my hands high to my head to rinse the shampoo that I've been able to lather there...

Being able to complete a thought without my mind feeling foggy and desperately grasping at words right as they erase right beyond my reach... And having the confidence to once again make friends and speak to those that already love me...

Listening to the cheerful laughs and yells of my children playing as their youthful voices pierce the heavens and never once clentching my head in pain...

Racing my dog around the yard and then joyfully falling on the ground laughing and rubbing her head with glee as the crazy girl barks in my ear and licks my face...

Skipping to answer the high-pitches of the ringing phone and smiling ear to ear when I hear the warm voice on the other end asking me how I am... And truthfully responding...

Curling up beside my husband and hearing his voice saying my name as we have a conversation because I'm not too exhausted or in too much pain...

Making it two full weeks with the only tears that stream down my face being those of complete and utter joy and not curling up in complete and utter pain and dispair...

Hearing my prayers that are now full of such gratefullness and wonder of my God instead of sorrowful wimpers asking Him why He spared my life if each and every day would be sheer misery...

Waking up each and every morning feeling the way that I always knew was possible, but have only actually felt for the past 2 weeks now...

Having my God prove to me that His word is not a lie and everything that I've always thought about Him is absolutely right... He IS my healer... He IS my provider... He IS my EVERYTHING!!!

Having the physical therapist ask me to repeat excercises because she's in disbelief of what I am able to do instead of me struggling and panting for breath unable to finish each task...

Walking across a clean bedroom floor because I have the energy to clean my house or excercising in the gym more intensly than I have in my entire life because I am now able...

Looking forward to another birthday to celebrate life and all it's wonders...

And each day praising God over the seemingly simple things that I have missed for 17 loooong months....

Once again enjoying to listen as my daughter talks my ear off about her friends and her favorite games and boys that she thinks are cute... Actually enjoying myself at her soccer practices because I'm not doped up on pain medication to half-way function or because the bright rays of the sun split into my head....

Once again playing with little toy cars in my sons' room making "Vroom-vroom" sounds or watching the same movie with him over and over again enjoying the scent of his hair as he snuggles in my lap...

Having my husband turn to me and say, "Babe, I don't want to be rude, but I would really love to go home and spend some time with you..." Because it's been sooooo long.... So long since we've actually talked about anything other than "it" or "it's" consequences...

Such simple things I took for granted until I couldn't do them, and now... Well, now, each time that I can lean over the sink and brush my teeth without leaning onto the counter because of dizzyness; every time that I can listen to the music in the car turned up loud; each and every night that I sleep with no interruptions; each morning that I arise without the dred of facing another day... Every tear that warms my cheek NOT because of pain but because of sheer JOY - I just can't thank Him enough!!

God did what I always knew He could do. He healed my body. But He did so much more than that! My Shepard provides my every need... He led me beside still waters... He restored my soul... I have walked through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, and He held my way the whole way through it. He is my Comfort! He has annointed my head... My cup runneth over! Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life, and I DO dwell with Him forever and ever and ever.

Rambles running through my head...

2009-04-16T21:46:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I think it's a dream... Have I really been healed?? It's amazing that I can do things that I had sort of gotten used to "avoiding". I have gone to the gym almost every day now, and yesterday I biked for 5 1/2 miles in 20 minutes! That's crazy! I didn't do that BEFORE!! AND I didn't even take a nap yesterday - I have taken a nap everyday for like 17 months because I just couldn't function without one! LOL

Everyone tells me not to overdo it, but I'm so curious as to what I can do. Like, I haven't been able to put my head under water because the pressure difference just killed me, and now I am just dying to "test" it out.

It's sort of odd and surreal to go from such extremes... I felt so horrible, and now I feel better than ever! I mean, I love it!!! It's just a little odd. LOL

It's after midnight and I used to complain about being up all night because of pain, and now I'm up all night because I'm too excited to go to sleep!! I've been trying to cram in all the little things that I've wanted to do for so long... But it's funny, because I wake up at 7 and don't feel all sluggish... It's great!!!

May is National Brain Tumor Awareness month, and I really want to do SOMETHING. I've let it creep up on me... Anyone with ideas?? I know that I'll use the power of the Internet to share little facts and stuff every day through the month, and I'm going to talk to a couple doctor's offices to see about putting up a little display. I would really like to get little grey awareness bracelets for my friends and family... On my self address labels I have a picture of an MRI with the words "Proud Brain Tumor Survivor" at the bottom of it. Guess that's a start.

And even though I have been touched and feel so great, I haven't at all forgotten those of you that are still struggling. I haven't forgotten the pain and fear that I lived in for over a year and a half. Saturday I actually get to visit with someone living with an inoperable brain tumor. His tumor is benign, but it's in his spinal colum. I hope that our visit is as uplifting for him and I am excited about it.

So my brain is just jam packed with all that I want to do that I haven't been able to do in so long. It's just absolutely amazing to feel so wonderful!! I can't even describe how great I feel!! Before I would dread when people asked how I felt because I either lied and said "fine" or I just felt like a broken record. Now when people ask how I am, I just want to cry and twirl and jump up and down! LOL I should try that like in the grocery store tomorrow - the cashier would think I had lost my mind! If only she knew, I've just gotten it back!

And still, MORE proof!

2009-04-15T18:55:00.000-07:00

Today was time to document how far I can turn my head in PT. 15 days ago, (5 days before God touched me) I could turn my head 23 degrees. My goal to reach by today was an increase of 5 degrees. Wasn't it a pleasant surprise when I could turn my head 53 degrees!! SEE!! More proof that God healed me! 53 degrees is pretty normal! HA

THANK YOU, LORD!

2009-04-14T21:04:00.000-07:00

I ran a guy out of the gym today when I started praising God audibly because I WAS IN THE GYM!! ME!!! I was able to work out!!! I hit 20 minutes on the elliptical like it was nothing and just started magnifying God because 11 days ago, that wouldn't have been remotely possible!!!!!!

Before I could sleep because of pain - now I can't sleep because of excitement of being healed!

I have believed that God is a healer for 21 years out of just blind faith. But now, I KNOW that He is a healer!!!

MRI Results

2009-04-13T08:17:00.000-07:00

For 42 days, I lived in constant intense pain. I had a horrible headache, and my neck hurt. Plus my neck was very stiff. The pain kept me up at night and after about 20 days or so, I started feeling REALLY discouraged. If you've ever dealt with chronic pain, then you can probably relate. I was absolutely exhausted and began wondering why God spared my life 17 months ago just for me to live in such intense pain. Much to my husband's horror, I told him that I would have rathered die than feel so wretched for the rest of my life.

The pain was too much for me to make my PE class, and I BARELY made C's in my Microbiology class. My nursing entrance exam was coming up, yet I was in so much pain that I didn't even study for it. I just couldn't.

I didn't understand why God hadn't healed me because I believed with my whole heart that He IS a healer. I know many don't believe that and I know many of you are going to begin to think I'm crazy as you read on, but I don't care what you think because I know what I know.

So 42 days passed... I didn't give up on God. In fact during that time I prayed for healing to fall on a young girl in the middle of Lowe's (complete with crazy stares and all). Maybe God hadn't healed me, but my Bible says that He's the same yesterday, today, and forever (Hebrews 13:8). I did not understand why He hadn't touched my body, but I still knew that if He could heal back then, He can heal now.

On April 1st, I had an MRI. 38 days into the pain. On April 5th, we had a visiting Pastor at our church. I was so exhausted, and weary, and hurting that it's a miracle that I kept dragging myself to church, yet I tried very hard to act as "normal" as possible for my husband and kids. I had been looking forward to our service because the visiting Pastor is a younger guy and draws some younger people that don't normally come to church. I had been praying for the service because I wanted God to speak to them, but I was in a shock when God spoke to me.

The title of the message was, "In Case Of A Famine", and it was really good. I knew for sure that I had been in a "famine". Not feeling good totally interupted my life - including my spiritual life. I felt so totally alone and like I was just walking circles in a desert. I felt hopeless. But In Case Of a Famine...

Towards the end of the message, the visiting Pastor started talking about a "young darling" that had battled one infirmity after another. I knew in my core that he was talking to me. I mean, there was the brain tumor, then all that the post-surgery brought, the swelling build-up, and now this constant pain. I began to sob and stepped forward and he allowed God to speak to me in ways that I can't even explain. And I felt the heaviness on me lift and I felt like life had been breathed into me again...

Today is day 8 that I have been pain-free. I don't care what anyone says, God touched me. I didn't change medicines, I didn't change doctors, I didn't change anything. I just woke up Monday morning with no headache. I slowly turned my head to the left (and was able) and felt no pain. I slowly turned my head to the right (and was able) and felt no pain. Slowly I sat up, and there was no pain!!!

So today, April 13th, the results from my MRI came back. Due to where the tumor was and where the fluid likes to build up, the MRI showed a bulging disk in my neck that had more than likely been pinching a nerve. So I wasn't crazy!! That explained the 42 days of neck stiffness and the pain in my head & neck. But get this, I got the results of the MRI 8 days AFTER the pain has completely gone away. 8 days being pain-free and there hasn't been any treatment of the bulging disk because we haven't even known about it!!!!

Proof that my God touched me! Here is more proof. Remember how I've barely made 'C's in Microbiology? Remember how I couldn't even study for the nursing entrance exam? I took the test during the days of pain, and was one of the first ones done because I did an awful lot of guessing. Well, guess who got a letter congratulating them for their acceptence into the nursing program this summer.... ME!!! I know that God had a hand in that because there are people in my Micro class with much higher GPA's than me and that made MUCH higher on that nursing test than me that have been put on a waiting list.

So see, Jesus Christ IS the same Lord that was written about in the Bible. And you know what's mind blowing about that? If He performed all those miracles then, just think of what He can do now...

Hold My Heart (by: Tenth Avenue North)

2009-04-11T21:54:00.000-07:00

How long must I pray
must I pray to You?
How long must I wait
Must I wait for You?
How long till I see Your face
See You shining through

I'm on my knees
Begging You to notice me
I'm on my knees
Father, will You turn to me

One tear in the driving rain
One voice in the sea of pain
Could the Maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart
One life, that all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart

I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye
But if there's no other way
I'm done asking why

I'm on my knees
Begging You to turn to me
I'm on my knees
Father will you run to me

So many questions without answers
Your promises remain
I can't see but I'll take my chances
To hear You call my name
To hear You call my name

This is a fantastically easy way to support Brain Tumor Awareness!

2009-04-08T21:10:00.000-07:00

Do you shop online? Did you know that a portion of your purchases can be donated to the National Brain Tumor Society depending on where you shop? There are hundreds of online stores connected to iGive.com, including favorites like The Gap, Staples, Nordstrom and even Home Depot!

Registration is free and, when you select the National Brain Tumor Society as your cause, any purchases you make through the iGive mall will help support our programs nationwide.

So visit www.iGive.com right now and register! Pass it on!

So I learned a VERY valuable lesson today...

2009-04-08T19:36:00.000-07:00

If you've been following, you know that Monday I was still on cloud nine when I went to my physical therapy. So today I walk in and my therapist asks me how I am and I tell her that I feel great and I'm all excited. So she lays me on a table and is going to massage my neck, so I'm thinking "Ah... nothing better than a nice massage..." Oh no... It wasn't a nice massage at all. In the 14 months of on/off PT, I have never been worked as hard.

I lay on this table, and she starts to massage my neck, and then - ouch! She pulls my head. Then she twists and turns and I felt neck muscles stretching that I didn't even know existed! LOL However, she did say that what we did today they weren't planning to be able to do with me for another couple of weeks. :-D

So the lesson learned is - be prepared for a little pain when you start rejoicing and showing your excitement!

Still dancing...

2009-04-07T21:34:00.001-07:00

I still feel great!! God definately touched me Sunday morning and I have felt great ever since. I've been singing and dancing and skipping around all day!!! ME! It's just wild! I mean, just a few days ago I was lying in the darkness of my room crying in pain. Walking caused pain to shoot through my head. And here I am dancing around!!

You know, during this time of my physical infirmity, people have said that God doesn't heal anymore. People have said the things we read about in the Bible are only for the Biblical times. I have refused to believe that. Hebrews declares that God is the same yesterday, today, and forever more. But I must admit that I started to question God. I believed He could heal out of faith, but now I know He is still a healer because I have been radically touched. And a "professional" has even taken notice - yesterday my physical therapist was shocked at how excercises that I couldn't even do last week I was able to do yesterday with no problem at all! Tomorrow the physical therapist that specializes in nuero patients is going to re-evaluate me. I cannot wait to see her reaction!

And while I am happy and rejoicing for myself and my children and my husband, my heart feels a little heavy tonight. My brother is deployed right now and I just have him on my mind a lot. Pray for him and all of our soldiers and the families left waiting on them. I can't wait to see him. Last time he saw me, I was a miserable sickly sister, and now I have a silly grin on my face and can't stop dancing and skipping around! He needs to see that...

Thus saith the Lord - Part II (LOL)

2009-04-06T16:18:00.001-07:00

Well, I must admit that I am still walking on clouds after yesterday... I woke up this morning and slowly turned my head to the right, then I slowly turned it to the left - and there was no pain! I sat up and had no headache! I went to my physical therapy appointment today and my "numbers" astounded my therapist because my tolerance level for dizziness and pain are WAY better than they were just last week.

In the car, my son and I popped in a Casting Crowns CD, cranked the volume up, and sang along!!! And I never cringed!!! The loud music didn't bother me and his 3-year-old screaching in the back didn't bother me!

I won't lie and say that I have been healed completely because I haven't been, BUT that's not what God said anyway. My neck is still stiff and as the day goes on I'm losing energy; however, I can honestly say that I feel the best that I've felt in way too long to remember!!! Unless you've been in constant intense pain, it's probably hard to relate, but I have danced and waved my hands in the heavens all day praising God for a day of relief!

Yesterday, one of the things spoke to me was that I'd have some "Thus saith the Lord's" and ironically enough, this is the scripture that I came to today to meditate on:
"Isa 28:16 Therefore thus saith the Lord GOD, Behold, I lay in Zion for a foundation a stone, a tried stone, a precious corner stone, a sure foundation: he that believeth shall not make haste."

In Isaiah, God said He was looking for a foundation stone... a tried stone... How would stone be tried? I'm honestly not sure, but I do know when gold is tried, it's put in fire... Tried... Diamonds go through being all cut up and stuff... Tried... Sounds a little painful...

I think that it's a fair call to say I've been tried in the last 17+ months... I've been physically, spiritually, emotionally, and financially "tried". There have been days that my faith in a God that hasn't relieved me of my pain has been questioned by others and there have been days that death has taunted me. There have been days that my family seemed totally expanded and days that this infliction has cost me relationships... There have been days that we've had ramen noodles for dinner and there have been days that the bank account looked dangerously low. There have been days that bill collectors call all day and that the mailbox overflows with medical bills. There have been multiple nights that I've laid awake and cried in pain and there have been days that I've laid in the dark of my quiet room in pain. Oh yes, I think it's fair to say that I've been tried!

But He doesn't stop there. This same stone He calls precious... He calls sure... Whoa... (Ain't my God good?) Cause I don't think I'm precious and I'm not so sure about being sure, but if I know I've been tried then the other two descriptions just come along with it...

Then, notice the last part of that verse - if you believe, don't make haste. Believe what exactly? One chapter before and you'll note that Israel had been destroyed, demolished, held captive, etc., so maybe that believe is to believe that Israel can be restored. How can that be applied to today? Try this (totally my own words), Thus saith the Lord GOD, Behold, I am looking for a foundation stone, a tried stone, a precious corner stone, a sure foundation: and if you believe that I can restore an entire city with just one stone (cause His promise was to restore Israel), then you believe that I can also restore you...

WHOA!!! So Sunday morning, something that was spoke to me was that some of the things that I've lost... some of the things held captive and destroyed... that those things would be restored unto me. You don't even KNOW how much I'm praising God right now.

My health has just been a little piece of His puzzle. I'd been destroyed long before my brain tumor. I'd watched some things be demolished years before my surgery. So here He is, my God, that cares so much for me that He sent along this seemingly horrible thing to allow me to be tried... because all He needs is a tried stone to rebuild... to restore...

Thus saith the LORD, about this time tomorrow...

2009-04-05T19:11:00.000-07:00

2Kings 6:25 And there was a great famine in Samaria: and, behold, they besieged it, until an ass's head was sold for fourscore pieces of silver, and the fourth part of a cab of dove's dung for five pieces of silver.

2Kings 7:1 Then Elisha said, Hear ye the word of the LORD; Thus saith the LORD, To morrow about this time shall a measure of fine flour be sold for a shekel, and two measures of barley for a shekel, in the gate of Samaria.

Alright, so I'm not going to even try to repeat the message that I heard today in which God spoke to me, but I will share some of what I got out of the scriptures that were read from and the things that God personally said to me.

First off, the first verse tells us there was a famine in the land. In church today, the visiting Pastor broke this scripture down and talked about what a famine actually is, but my focus isn't so much on that first verse because I know that I've been in a famine. I've been in the desert, in a desolate lonely place for quite some time now. I've felt alone like no one could hear my pleas for help. I've felt like I was just wondering in endless circles.

But God has been with me, of course, yet my eyes have been blocked by the infirmities that this tumor has brought my way to see any light at the end of the tunnel. I've believed in the light, but sometimes my faith has wavered. Sometimes, as the pain overtook my body, it was hard to believe in anything other than the truth of my infliction.

Oh but that second verse...

Thus saith the Lord, tomorrow about this time... the famine will be over. Maybe it's just me, but the hope in that has rejuvenated me and wiped my weary eyes so that I can once again see the light at the end of the tunnel!! Friday night I prayed for God to wrap me in His strength so that I could go on, and today, He did that and even more. He wrapped His strong arms around me and kissed my cheek and whispered His love for me. At first I thought He must have me confused with someone else. Why would the God of Abraham, the Creator, the King of Kings love me? But then I remembered that God doesn't make mistakes. And so for whatever reason, He loves me.

This will end. Thus saith the Lord, about this time tomorrow... This pain will not last forever. The dizziness won't last forever. And while I'm enduring this trial, I have been drawn ever closer to my Father. I can honestly with my whole heart declare that He is my everything. I can honestly say that I love Him more than anything. I can say with complete sincerity that He is my I Am.

On the way home from church, my husband and I were talking about how my relationship with God has definitely changed in the last 17+ months, and so has his. So see, I always said that "this" was not just about me, and I don't believe it is. If my husband has been drawn closer to God because of my trials, then I am humbled and grateful. And I'm not at all proclaiming to be worthy of anything because I am not, but I don't believe that it will stop there. I believe that God will take what looks like such a hopeless situation, what seems unbearable at times, and use it to shine His glory on the lives of others. And that makes all this worth it!

I don't know why He picked me, but I am so incredibly honored! I told Martin on the way home today that sometimes I think He must have me mistaken for someone else. I mean, me??? Ugh! I wouldn't even pick me! I have ALWAYS been the last kid picked. But even if I haven't always believed in myself, God looked at me with a smile and saw something that no one else could. The headaches still hurt. My desk is still littered with thousands of dollars worth of medical bills. But He never promised that this would be easy. In fact, He said to pick up our crosses to follow him. That doesn't sound very easy to me.

But oh that light at the end of the tunnel... I haven't gotten there yet, but the glimpse that I've gotten is the most beautiful thing that my eyes have ever landed on.

God, I trust in you with my whole heart. Thank you for listening to my breaking heart. Thanks for seeing my brokenness. I feel like just a pile of rubble now, but I can feel Your hands sifting through and picking up the broken pieces of my heart and soul to put them together again. You are so worthy, Lord! I don't matter for a minute, and yet still You'd take the time to listen to me and to heal my hurting soul. And You chose to do this because You are my Father and I am Your child and Your love for me is beyond my understanding. So thank you. Thank you.

Let me tell you how I REALLY feel...

2009-04-03T17:00:00.000-07:00

I want so badly to say something positive and upbeat and TRUE. I want to say that I'm dancing in the rain or blowing bubbles with my kids or anything besides having a dumb ol' headache. )-: Pretty bad right now... Martin called off Bible Study tonight. I HATE that. I look forward to Bible Study all week.

Like, I sort of feel like David must have felt when he was on the run and hiding in those caves. I don't doubt in my God. I still believe that He is a healer and a deliver. Heck, just today I prayed for His healing and comfort to fall on a girl I've never met in the middle of Lowe's. I can honestly say that I trust Him. I don't have any idea what He is doing with me, but I still believe in Him. What I'm worried about is ME.

Oh God, hear my cries! Is this pain forever? Do I just need to quit fighting it and learn how to live with the headaches and dizziness?

Here is something true: "Psalm 33:18 Behold, the eye of the Lord is upon them that fear him, upon them that hope in his mercy."

I know that He is with me. I know that He hasn't forgotten me. I still repeat the beautiful words of Psalms 23 every single day. He is my shepard. He did not create me to live in anything but peace and stillness. He leadeth me. He guides me. And yet believing that He's here with me doesn't make the pain any less intense. Knowing that He's here holding my hand through this doesn't make it any easier. I'm still walking through that "valley of the shadow of death". The only difference is, that I don't have to fear evil. But there is no where in that beautiful Psalm that says, "You will feel no pain and endure no hardships." And THAT's what's hard.

God, I believe that your grace is sufficient. Let me wrap myself in your grace and wear it like a cloak. Grant me the grace to get through this, Lord. I don't want to be down. When others see me, I want the joy that you have given me to shine through my pain. God, obviously this is what you've orchastrated for me, and I will walk through FIRE if you want me too, but I just need help holding my head up high. I just need you to wipe the tears from my eyes and reassure me that WE will make it through this...

Whoo-Hoo!!!

2009-03-31T07:32:00.000-07:00

I just got a congratulations letter... I've been accepted into the nursing program this summer!!! It's going to be really hard, but it brings me one step closer to working again and that equals normalacy. Super excited!

Dear God, I don't have much to say...

2009-03-29T21:06:00.000-07:00

... but I just want to tell You that I love You. Your grace is sufficient and I thank You for it.

So I praise Him...

2009-03-28T20:27:00.000-07:00

It’s been no secret that I haven’t felt well in the past month or so. It won’t even surprise many that the constant headaches, neck pain, sleepless nights, and dizziness have caused me to be down in the dumps. While I think that it’s okay, normal even, to feel sad sometimes, Wednesday I sort of had a wake up call.

I’ve zeroed in on all the things that my current health status doesn’t allow. I’ve mourned all the things that I’ve temporarily “lost”. I’ve worried about the future and fretted about the present. All the things that I want for myself seem nearly impossible to achieve, and I find doubt as my latest companion.

But Wednesday night at church, a fellow brother taught. He talked about where the Holy Spirit dwells, and that is in our innermost being. Thinking of layers, the Holy Spirit is our core, with our soul wrapped around it, and emotions wrapped around that, and then our physicality wrapped around that. Lately, I have allowed my “layers” to completely overshadow the Holy Spirit living within me. Maybe I am sad right now. Maybe I do hurt. But that doesn’t change the fact that more than anything I desire for God’s glory to shine through me. I don’t want to be like a filthy window where the rays can hardly peek out. Instead, I want His glory to shine so brightly in me that there is no confusion that Christ lives in me.

I think lately when anyone has looked at me, my pain and discouragement has been the primary thing that I’ve displayed; yet that’s not at all what I want to display. No matter how I may feel, no matter what I may be going through, no matter the place I may find myself – God is still worthy and His love and grace should be shined upon all men. He is our hope and I am humbled at the opportunity to shine that love and grace to those around me.

So instead of dwelling so much on the negative parts of my current state, I will praise God for all the many blessings in my life. I praise God that I have a husband that cares about my every aspect of living and listens and wipes away every tear. I praise God for a mom that is my best friend and listens to me and loves me through it all. I praise God for children that are so smart and well mannered and that love me and think I’m great even though I’m really not. I praise God for the friends that I prayed for years to come, and He brought them along at just the right time. I praise God that although I am not able to work, He has provided Martin with enough income to financially take such wonderful care of us. I praise God that I have hope in Him when there are so many that are lost and don’t have a clue as to who He is and how great His love is.

And you know what’s even crazier? I praise Him for this tumor/surgery. I praise Him for the ability to honestly have empathy and compassion for others in my shoes. I praise Him that He’s allowed my circumstance to be a witness. I praise Him that being forced out of working has given me more time with my children. And I praise Him for all that He plans to do with this whole thing, because I don’t believe that He’s done yet. So I praise Him that He chose me and found me worthy of undergoing such a tragedy to shine His glory and touch the lives of others.

Thank you, Lord!

2009-03-26T06:27:00.000-07:00

I woke up today feeling better than I have felt in well over a month! Not even sure what to do with myself, but I'm going to completely enjoy feeling good!!! I have a thought that I'd like to write down and share, but I feel too good to sit still! LOL

Today's Neurology Appointment

2009-03-24T18:07:00.000-07:00

Proverbs 21:23 “Whoso keepeth his mouth and his tongue keepeth his soul from troubles.”

With this scripture in mind, I will try to bite my tongue when sharing about today’s neurology appointment.

Surprisingly, I woke up today feeling better than I’ve felt in a long time. Now I didn’t say that I felt good, but just that I felt a lot better than I have in weeks. I slept better last night than I have in a long time, and I was just in pretty good spirits. The night before, Martin helped me prepare 3 pages worth of questions and observations we’ve had over this last month, so I felt prepared for my appointment and even excited at the thought of some answers and possibly some relief.

Unfortunately, I didn’t get either of those. The MRI that I’d had just days ago only included a scan of my brain. This is the part where I need to remind myself of the above scripture and bite my tongue, because the scan did not include my neck or any portion of my brain stem. So, much to my dismay, my neurologist had to make me yet another appointment for another MRI in which he very clearly stated that the scan is to include every inch of my spine with focus on the upper neck where the tumor fingers were once located.

So, I don’t know much of anything right now. He agrees that physical therapy is a wonderful plan of action and that, in time, I will see some relief from aggressive treatments. Currently my visits are only 3 days a week, but he may increase that to daily for a while. Oh what fun.

Basically, I don’t have any news to report. Today was sadly a waste of time since there wasn’t a complete MRI for us to study.

Martin and I have both been reading and thinking about Job a lot lately. I don’t compare to him at all, but one thing that does bring me comfort is that Job didn’t like his situation just like I don’t like mine. The Bible is sure to mention that he never sinned, but he did curse his own life and birth. Sometimes, I feel guilty for hating the place that my health has brought me, but there isn’t sin in that. As long as I don’t take my eyes off of God… As long as I don’t let go of the Hand that is holding me up…

Looking forward to the day...

2009-03-24T05:24:00.000-07:00

This afternoon I meet with my neurologist and I have 3 pages of questions and other "stuff" written down for him!! He'll be blown away. LOL And I am so excited that you'd think it was Christmas or something!

Woke up today feeling a little better. I got more sleep last night, which is something to shout about! Not so stiff right now, and my headache is tolerable. Did break down and take a pain med last night, so that count has to start all over.

I was an entire day early yesterday for my physical therapy appointment, but my all-time favorite PT worked me in and worked on relaxing my neck muscles. I must admit, I felt pretty relaxed after that. Could have helped with the sleeping! I go back Thursday for the "rough" stuff and it's probably not gonna be too fun. But anything to get me better!

So I feel well enough that I'm thinking of taking a shower and heading over to Wal-Mart to grocery shop. My family would be beside themselves to open the fridge and actually see food! LOL

Thinking... just thinking...

2009-03-23T15:08:00.000-07:00

Today's thoughts are on how often I took the simple little things for granted. Things like working out... I used to thoroughly enjoy working out and stairs! I've never really been a "kid" person and would purposely avoid crowds of kids just cause, but now I would give anything not to grit my teeth in literal pain when Lexi's soccer team scores and all the kids yell those loud shrieky yells... Sleeping a whole night through and then stupidly commenting around 4 in the afternoon at work how sleepy I was. HA! I've gone over a whole month now with very little sleep and I would give ANYTHING to feel how sleepy I thought I felt back then... And I would give anything to be at work again...

Tomorrow is my appointment with my neurologist and I've got a list written down for him! :-D

YAY!!!! Finally slept all night long!!

2009-03-20T04:55:00.000-07:00

So I still have a headache this morning, but due to the beautiful way that God heard my cry - not only do I feel engulfed by encouragement, but I was also able to sleep all night long!! That's the first time pain hasn't woken me up in nearly a month!!! YAY!!!!

There is more on me than what I can bare, but that's okay because He can handle it...

2009-03-19T20:46:00.000-07:00

It never ceases to amaze me the way that God talks to me. For some odd reason, His voice seems to be the most clear when it comes through other people. At least that’s been my experience. It’s no secret that I’ve been feeling pretty bad now for about a month. This week I have been more discouraged than I think I’ve ever been in the last 16 months. Last night at church, I requested the body of Christ gather around me to pray for me. I just couldn’t “be strong” anymore, pain and lack of sleep and discouragement was starting to swallow me up.

Previously, I had stated that old familiar saying, “God won’t put more on you than you can bare”, but a friend reminded me that is not really true. Sometimes we face more than we can bear, and that’s how we are reminded that even though our problems may be too big for us, they are never too big for God. When we can no longer bare our situations, we truly rely on God because only He can bare them.

Today, I went to visit the graveside of a little friend of mine and ended up pouring out my heart to God. I won’t share all that I cried, but I did ask Him for something. I asked Him for a renewal of strength and for grace to accept my new life.

Job 2:10 has stuck with me lately because Job is quoted as making a statement that has been so profound to me this week. He was responding to his wife’s plea that he curse God and die. And he tells her, are we to accept the good from God and not the bad? How true that is… Often, we love all the blessings of God, but the second life is shaken up a little, we flip out.

So anyway, I’ve gotten off topic. So this morning I sobbed and sobbed. I think that I’ve grown accustomed to the headaches and the sleepless nights… It’s no longer a surprise when medical bills come each and every day… I don't mind that there are more doctor visits on my calendar than anything else. All that is okay with me, but I cannot accept this discouragement. And yet I am not strong enough to save myself from it. I need God. It’s funny, I’ve learned to lean and trust Him with things like our finances, yet I still felt like I am supposed to be strong and encouraged on my own. It seems so silly now. Doesn’t He call Himself the Comforter? Doesn’t He promise that He is our Shepard? And yet here I thought that I was tough enough to comfort myself. Crazy, I know!

I came home with the same headache that had me up since 2 a.m. this morning. No seas parted. No miraculous healing. But when I came home, I checked my mail. Instead of the unending medical bills, there were two cards from people that I have never ever met before. Both senders attend Sunday School with my mom and wanted to let me know that I was in their prayers. Such a simple little thing, and yet I cannot even express how those two simple cards offered me comfort.

Exhausted, I took my routine nap, and when I woke up, I still had the headache. But instantly I noticed that something was missing. That discouragement that had started choking the life out of me was gone.

Then, my husband came home and had a beautiful basket of flowers for me. Before I could say a word, he told me that some friends had sent them. As soon as I read the card, I knew he was right. Friends had sent them with a simple note that said, “Thinking of you.” They were from my three former managers. I haven’t worked in nearly a year, and yet they are my friends and they still care.

When I read the card with the flowers, I just cried and cried. Martin smiled and hugged me and I know that those gestures were God speaking to me and assuring me that He hears my cries. He heard my pleas earlier today and even if I don’t have the strength to keep on walking, He’s sent people my way for me to lean on. It reminds me of when Jesus was walking with the cross and He fell to His knees and another man picked up the cross for Him and carried it. Just like that man shared Jesus’ cross, others have stepped in to shoulder my burden.

You know, for those people that sent me those cards, I bet they have no idea how in line they were with God. I bet they had no idea that stepping out of the boat, and sending a card to someone that they’ve never even meant would be such an answered prayer. I bet the three women that sent me those beautiful flowers today had no idea that when I received them, I cried out all the discouragement that I’ve felt.

God didn’t burn any bushes to talk to me today, but His message was loud and clear. I can’t do this. And I don’t have too. Because He is my God and that means that He is my EVERYTHING. When I am weak, He’ll hold me up by sending along wonderfully obedient people for me to lean against as we (not just me alone) continue to walk each step at a time.

Self-check for me today...

2009-03-18T05:10:00.000-07:00

Last night and this morning I've had a really hard time thinking of anything other than my brother. He is 5 years younger than me and deployed in the middle of this war... His job is sort of dangerous, and I just can't help but to keep him on my mind.

But as I was sipping my first cup of morning coffee, I got to thinking of how many other family members and loved ones out there are consumed with worry like I am. That woman that caused me to beep my horn out of frusteration yesterday could have been going 25 MPH in the "fast" lane because she was distracted on her cell phone with news about her child that is deployed... Maybe she was just talking nonsense, but maybe not. And instead of being sensitive to another person that might be going through just as much as my family is right now, I was impatient and completely insensitive.

You know, we have no idea what is going on in the lives of others. Take my mom for example. She has a son deployed overseas, and a daughter that hasn't been feeling the best. Add on any of the other stressers that life brings, and you just can't help but to feel sympathetic. But what if you didn't know all that? What if you were behind her in the grocery store line, her buggy full to the top, and when it came time to pay she suddenly realized that she'd forgotten her wallet at home. How would you react? Would you be annoyed? Would you mutter under your breath?

So that is my latest "self-check".

Monday Blues

2009-03-16T05:33:00.000-07:00

Woke up this morning with a killer headache. )-: Plus is really gloomy outside... Not the best way to start a Monday. This calls for an extra cup of coffee!

When God Doesn’t Answer

2009-03-14T17:06:00.000-07:00

I’ve been thinking a lot today about where I am in life and where I’m not. I’ve been thinking a lot about the prayers and pleads that I’ve uttered in the past however-many months. I know that God is a healer. And yet though I have prayed for 16 long months now to be healed, still I haven’t been.

Earlier this week, I became very annoyed with myself and quite frankly, with God. I’m sure that no one else has ever felt annoyed with God before, but I will be honest and admit that I was thoroughly confused. I prayed, well, half yelled really, to God. I asked Him if He was a healer, then why oh why haven’t I been healed? If He is a prayer answering God, then why have my prayers gone unanswered? Maybe I had Him pegged all wrong, but something in me tells me that He is all power and all might…

And today, I think He answered me. After my little visit to the hospital Thursday, I am back to taking pain medication. I absolutely HATE taking pain medication because I hate how I feel. So, much to my husbands’ dismay, I will pop a pill and then stay up doing SOMETHING for as long as I can stand. Cleaning the kitchen, laundry, sweeping the floor, anything to keep from that drug from washing over me and making me a zombie. My mom is probably going to be as upset as my husband about that, but I can’t just lie around my whole life and do nothing.

So anyway, back to Him answering me. I cleaned Martin’s truck out today (that was the point of the little explanation above - ha) and started thinking about Bible Hero’s. First I thought about Joseph, probably because my Pastor has mentioned him a lot recently in church (see how wonderful it is to have a Shepard in tune with God). Joseph had it kind of rough. Genesis 37:5 tells us that his brothers hated him. That would be hard! I love my brothers and can’t imagine them hating me. I think that I would be devastated. But it didn’t stop there for Joseph. Genesis 37 goes on to tell us that his brothers stripped a cloak given to him by his father and then dumped him in a pit and sold him off to be a slave!

Now I’m about to use my imagination here, but I do know that Joseph had a relationship with God. I just can’t imagine him being cool with his brothers hating him, dumping him in a pit, and then selling him off to be a slave. Surely he prayed for God to soften the hearts of his brothers… I would imagine that he longed to have a good relationship with them and pleaded with God to make that possible. And yet, still they hated him, dumped him in a pit, and sold him. Now we know that it didn’t stop there for Joseph. Genesis 39 tells of how Joseph was bought by an Egyptian and made ruler of his house. Yet still he was a slave. Still his prayers seemed to go unanswered… If things weren’t bad enough, the Egyptian’s wife had the hots for Joseph and when he wouldn’t give in to her advances, she lied and had him thrown in prison. So here Joseph was hated by his brothers, stripped of his prized possession, thrown in a pit, sold as a slave, lied against, and thrown in prison. As Joseph sat behind those steel bars, I can only imagine what must’ve gone through his mind…

So – did God answer his cries? Did He hear Joseph’s sobs? I’ll leave that for you to answer…

Then I started thinking about Job. Job had it so rough, he even had a whole book written about him! First off, he lost his children and his property (or possessions). If that wasn’t enough, Job 2:7 tells us that Satan attacked his health. So then his wife talks crazy and three of his best friends talk crazy. Ol’ Job… Surely he was thinking, “God, are you still there?” In fact Job 17:1-3 reveals that Job prayed for relief. But chapters go by and Job still has it rough… Was God ignoring his prayers of relief??? Job 42:12 (NKJV) “Now the LORD blessed the latter days of Job more than his beginning…”

As you can probably imagine, I was already feeling pretty encouraged by just being
reminded of these two guys, but then God laid the whammy on me. And I thought about
Jesus…

Matthew 26:38-39 “Then saith he unto them, My soul is exceeding sorrowful, even unto
death: tarry ye here, and watch with me. And he went a little further, and fell on his face,
and prayed, saying, O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless
not as I will, but as thou wilt.”

So – did God just ignore the exceedingly sorrowful soul of our Lord?? It would have
made a great story if the soldiers came to arrest Jesus and suddenly angels baring
swords swooped in and slaughtered them all saving our Lord from his unjust arrest and
crucifixion… It would have made a great action packed story, BUT where would we be??? The blood that Jesus shed wasn’t fun. His flesh was not excited about the pain and the death it
would endure, and yet that blood was freely given to pay for our sins…

God doesn’t answer us when we think He should or how we think He should, but that
doesn’t mean that He doesn’t hear our cries and it doesn’t mean that He doesn’t answer.
What would have happened if God had given Joseph the answer that he wanted back in
Genesis 37:5. Just when he might have prayed for a better relationship with his
brothers… Before he was stripped, thrown into a pit, sold as a slave, falsely imprisoned,
etc.

Or what about Job? What if God gave Job the relief that he was looking for in the
first chapter of Job when he lost his children and possessions? Before his wife got all
crazy… Before his friends turned on him… Before his health was attacked…

And then, what about Jesus’ prayer? What if the cup passed from Him??? Where, oh where, would we be?

So I’m thinking that God reminded me of the “unanswered prayers” of these three to tell
me that He is a prayer answering God. He does hear my prayers, cries, pleas, moans, etc.
But just because He doesn’t answer me when I think He should and how I want Him too
doesn’t mean that He’s not answering…

And as I’ve been writing this all kinds of people have come to my mind… David, Sarah and Abraham, Paul, etc. He heard every one of them, just like He hears me and you and anyone that calls to Him… And we can all rest assured that He will answer because He is a prayer answering God.

Latest MRI Update

2009-03-13T07:09:00.000-07:00

For a couple weeks now, my head and neck have been really hurting. They've actually been hurting so much that I was waking up in my sleep in pain. Also, I've noticed a lot of dizziness. But I kept "pushing through the pain", until this week when I had just had enough.

Monday I got pretty annoyed. Well, really I got VERY annoyed. Next Tuesday will be 16 months post surgery and still I'm having problems. I thought all this would be over by now and I have way too much to do. This pain is totally interfering with my life. Maybe I sound a little facetious, but I'm being honest. I've been slipping in school, having a very difficult time working out, and am so worn out once I get home that I feel like I'm a walking zombie – and I’m not even working!! I am 25 with a family and friends and goals and dreams and this is not part of my plan.

So anyway, Wednesday the pain was probably at its' peak this go 'round, and I got very down. I don't normally get discouraged, but by Wednesday I was just tired and hurting and tired of hurting. So mom and Martin got pretty concerned, and long story short - I ended up in the hospital yesterday. I had an MRI scheduled in 2 weeks anyway, so the doctor that saw me went ahead and ordered one last night. I normally despise MRI's, but this one took less than an hour, which is a record for me. Plus it's the first MRI that I was given a shot of Demoral before hand, so I was pretty relaxed and laying perfectly still wasn't too difficult.

My MRI came back pretty good (according to the radiologist, my neurologist is out of town until next week). The scar tissue around my scar is nearly gone, but in it's place are very weak muscles. I was told that my neck muscles are nearly too weak to hold my head up, thus causing the neck pain and headaches. So starting next week I'll be going back to physical therapy for neck strengthening and massages. The massages totally make up for the fact that I'll be back in physical therapy. (-: Plus I really like the physical therapy assistant that will probably be working with me again.

The doctor did confirm a fear that I've had and that is that this is my life. These "flare-ups" will most likely occur for the rest of my life. Lovely, right? But having that confirmed is only making me think, "Okay, figure out how to deal with this. If this is my life, figure out how to make it 'normal'." What I don't have to figure out is what God's up too. I may not enjoy this "trial", but I know that it's not in vain. I may not understand why He has given me this new life, but I trust Him.

I've heard a million times in the last year and a half "God won't put more on you than you can bare". At first, that sort of annoyed me. I mean, I'm feeling like the last 16 months have been PLENTY, but this morning I was thinking about that statement, and I started to feel very honored and humbled and had to apologize to God for feeling annoyed. He has put this all on me because apparently He thinks that I'm one tough cookie. Now I don't necessarily agree with Him, but since He's God - He's right. So He's allowing me to go through this because He knows that I can. And He's right, because I'll grip His hand and He'll lead me even when I can't see. He'll be my strength because I am so weak. For whatever reason, He has given me this obstacle and whatever the outcome, His glory will be shown. Thank you, Lord, for allowing me to be a part of that!

Romans 5:3-5 "And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; And patience, experience; and experience, hope: And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us. "

My God is MIGHTY!

2009-03-09T07:06:00.000-07:00

When I was young, I remember telling people just how big and strong my Papi was. I remember saying that his muscles were as strong as mountains and that he could beat up The Terminator with one hand (I was a child of the ‘90’s, remember). There was nothing that my Papi couldn’t do. Now I know that I was exaggerating, but just like I looked up to my Papi, I look up to God. I cannot express how thankful I am to know and to serve and mighty God. And not only do I know and serve Him, but He is my Father!!!!

Duet 3:24 “ Lord GOD, thou hast begun to shew thy servant thy greatness, and thy mighty hand: for what God is there in heaven or in earth, that can do according to thy works, and according to thy might?” (The correct answer: NONE!! There is NONE like God!!! None that can do what He can do!)

Joshua 4:24 “That all the people of the earth might know the hand of the LORD, that it is mighty: that ye might fear the LORD your God for ever.”

Job 36:5 “Behold, God is mighty, and despiseth not any: he is mighty in strength and wisdom.” (Job said this!!! The Job that lost everything, endured sickness, was told to just curse God and die – but he didn’t because he knew that God is mighty no matter what life might throw his way!)

Psalm 24:8 “Who is this King of glory? The LORD strong and mighty, the LORD mighty in battle.”

Isa 42:13 “The LORD shall go forth as a mighty man, he shall stir up jealousy like a man of war: he shall cry, yea, roar; he shall prevail against his enemies.” (This scripture excites me because THE Mighty King of all Kings shall roar a victorious roar as defeats His enemies!)

Jeremiah 32:18 “Thou shewest lovingkindness unto thousands, and recompensest the iniquity of the fathers into the bosom of their children after them: the Great, the Mighty God, the LORD of hosts, is his name” (I feel some serious worship! God has shown me lovingkindness… The word ‘recompensest’ here means: to make peace; make amends; (bring) restoration. Whoo-hoo!!! He brings restoration!!! He is Great! He is Mighty!)

Luke 1:49 “For he that is mighty hath done to me great things; and holy is his name.”
(He is mighty and has done what??? He has done great things!)

Ephesians 1:19 “And what is the exceeding greatness of his power to us - ward who believe, according to the working of his mighty power,”
(Again, His mighty power was set into action and proving itself by works… and get this – His exceeding great power is to us!!! His mighty power is to me!!! Wow!)

So what does mighty mean anyway? According to dictionary.com, mighty is defined as showing superior power or strength; huge; exceptional.

I can’t help but to think of the hand of cards life has dealt to me. Granted, I certainly wouldn’t have chosen these cards for myself, but they’re what I was given. So I could have a defeatist attitude and say “Whoa is me”, and there are days that I feel that way, BUT when I remember that My God is MIGHTY!!!! I don’t have to have a pitiful attitude! There are days that I don’t feel like rejoicing. There are days that I don’t want to get out of bed, much less praise God for His mighty power, but He is mighty whether I feel like He is or not. Whether I agree that He is mighty, or whether I have a pity party – He is still exceptional! He is still huge!! He still holds all strength!!

I bet each of the writers of the above scriptures faced times when situations in their life almost seemed to overshadow His might, but they were able to take a step back and see the magnitude of His glory. And not just that, they knew that they had a mighty Daddy walking hand in hand with them.

And so do I. My Father is bigger than any situation in my life and He’s stronger too! I can cling onto His hand and know that my Daddy can beat up any obstacle I might face, even The Terminator. :-D

You are my EVERYTHING and I will adore You!

2009-03-06T14:24:00.000-08:00

Everything: total; all

If you’ve been around Christians long enough, chances are you have heard someone proclaim that Christ is their everything. He is certainly my everything, but coming to that place where He’s all I’ve got and He’s all I need hasn’t come easy.

See, we have to come to a place of realization that our strength, wisdom, education, money, health, friends and family are nothing because everything we have and everything that we are comes from him. We have to become nothing to allow Him to be it all…

· Strength: Psalm 20:6 “Now know I that the LORD saveth his anointed; he will hear him from his holy heaven with the saving strength of his right hand.”
Just the strength in one of His hands is enough to save!....
· Wisdom: 1Corinthians 1:24-25 “But unto them which are called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God, and the wisdom of God. Because the foolishness of God is wiser than men; and the weakness of God is stronger than men.
At His most foolish point, God is still wiser than men!
· Education: Exodus 3:11 “And Moses said unto God, Who am I, that I should go unto Pharaoh, and that I should bring forth the children of Israel out of Egypt?”....
Moses was surely well educated – he was adopted by Pharaoh’s daughter, and yet he knew that he couldn’t rely on his own education…

· Wealth: Deuteronomy 8:18 “But thou shalt remember the LORD thy God: for it is he that giveth thee power to get wealth, that he may establish his covenant which he sware unto thy fathers, as it is this day.”
He gave power to get wealth (and He can take it away too).....
· Health: Jeremiah 30:17 "For I will restore health unto thee, and I will heal thee of thy wounds, saith the LORD;"
3 John 1:2 "Beloved, I wish above all things that thou mayest prosper and be in health, even as thy soul prospereth....."
So you know I had to list 2 scriptures for health, HA. But if He restores health, then obviously we have little control over some of our own health issues. And I know first hand that health can be taken away in a minute. I was young, “healthy”, never had any health problems – and then wah-lah! (-: But oh how sweet Jesus is that He WANTS me to prosper and be in health.
· Friends: Job 16:20 “My friends scorn me: but mine eye poureth out tears unto God.”....
· Family: Psalms 27:10 “When my father and my mother forsake me, then the LORD will take me up.” ....
Matthew 18:21-22 “Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.” ....
So your friends and family may scorn you. They may turn their back on you. They may sin against you, but

Deuteronomy 4:31 “(For the LORD thy God is a merciful God;) he will not forsake thee, neither destroy thee, nor forget the covenant of thy fathers which he sware unto them.”
God will never let you down.

It’s so easy to say that God is our everything, but is He really? In order for someone to be everything, they must be ALL (that’s by definition alone). Is He your all?? Cause if He is, then that means you are nothing... Are you cool with that?

I try not to be aggrevated... really I do...

2009-03-05T09:07:00.000-08:00

But sometimes, this ol' flesh just gets the best of me. I get tired of being in pain. I get tired of being sick. I get tired of saying and hearing, "Well, I/you probably shouldn't do ___________ because of your headaches... because of the surgery..." I'm 25! I want to be 25! I want to stay up late and wake up early and be sleep deprived like everyone else my age. I don't want to take 5-6 pills a night out of my nifty pill box designed for someone 3x my age. I want to go to the beach and swim in the ocean. I want to ride roller coasters and listen to my music cranked up loud. I don't want to spend anymore days/nights clutching my head in pain, or propped up on pillows because I can't move my neck. I don't want my children to see their mom crying, weak, and barely able to walk down the hallway. I want to be a "normal" wife for my husband and not have to depend on him to take the reigns when I'm having a "bad" day. I don't want to have 3 doctors, not including the 1 doctor that is my girlie doctor. I don't want to have MRI's scheduled on my calender like they are birthdays or something. And I don't want to complain about it. I try very hard to stay upbeat and positive, but some days it just gets the best of me. I think that's okay too. Apostle Paul got aggravated at the thorn in his side. Read 1 Corinthians 12:7-9. I don't know exactly what his "thorn" was, although I am lead to believe he battled health issues because he spoke of his "infirmities". But whatever the issue was, Paul asked God to take his "thorn" away three times. But God didn't because:
2 Corinthians 12:9 "And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me..."

So I know that things could be worse (they have been) and I know that I shouldn't feel aggravated, but I'm having a day like Apostle Paul was having where I'm just annoyed. So let me vent in peace. LOL

Sometimes I just need to dwell in the shadow of the Almighty...

2009-03-04T05:47:00.000-08:00

Psalms 91:1-2 He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust.

I could go on and on because today Psalms Chapter 91 is the perfect passage for me. If I can just crawl into that secret place and dwell there in the shadow of the Almighty... What peace can be found there! What a wonderful place of rest.

The Lord is my refuge! He is my protector from fear and doubt. I can envision him whipping out His sword and keeping those creeping feelings away from me. I trust Him with all that is within me because I know that He loves me. And even though He loves me, there are still some things that life throws my way that bring hurt. I can imagine that He's shed just as many tears over my pain as I have, but He's promised that He'll be with me every step of the way. And He has been.

I don't understand why I'm feeling this pain... But I choose to trust Him. I choose to trust that He is perfect and that no matter the outcome of my situation, there is a much bigger picture at stake here. I am merely a piece in this giant puzzle and He will place me in the perfect spot because that's who He is. He is perfect.

So God, thank you for loving me! Sometimes I think you must have me confused with someone else... Why waste your love on me? Don't You know how unworthy I am? But of course You do, because You are God. And that is grace. You love me no matter how unworthy I am. You are so wonderful because dispite of my bumps and bruises, You call me Your own!

Thank you for allowing me to be in Your hands. I might not be comfortable and I might be in pain, but it's such a relief to know that I am in perfect hands. How humbling to know that my life is just a piece of Your giant puzzle! Thank you for allowing me to be a part of Your plan, even if it means uncomfort for me. Because even though I might not be the most comfortable, You have graciously given me a place to rest. And so I will rest in your shadow.

Okay, so I've changed my mind!

2009-03-03T05:56:00.000-08:00

My neck hurts today -bad. It's very stiff and if I even act like I'm going to move it, pain shots through my back and up through my skull. It's really a bummer too, because I have quite a bit of errands to run today. (-: Oh the joys of being human! LOL

My fellow brain tumor survivors - ever have these thoughts???

2009-03-02T15:45:00.000-08:00

So yesterday was a normal day. Didn't feel bad. No headache. But suddenly all I could think about was my upcoming MRI and how I would tell people if the brain tumor came back. I wasn't sad or anything, just trying to figure out the best way to let people know. Is that crazy or what? I haven't even had the MRI yet, and no real reason to think that the tumor is back.

Tried mentioning my thoughts to my husband, but people think that I'm being negetive or that I'm depressed or something. Needless to say, he didn't want to talk about it. LOL I really don't think that I'm negetive and I don't think I'm depressed. Of course we are all trying to be positive about a clean MRI, but why do we have to ignore that the MRI might not be clean? And why does it seem like I'm the only one that can accept that as a possibility? And how come I have to be negetive just to acknowledge that there is just as good of a chance for a clean MRI as one that shows some growth...

Is there anyone out there that can relate?

Our God - The Tear Collector

2009-02-28T04:51:00.000-08:00

Haven’t said much lately. Mostly cause I’ve been too tired. My wonderful weekend in Savannah was followed up by a weekend trip to California to visit my brother and sister-in-law with my mom. My brother is in the Navy and about to be deployed to Afghanistan. Anyway, traveling two weekends in a row must have just taken its’ toll on me.

But even though I’ve been quiet, my mind has still kept reeling. I’ve been thinking about a book that a read a couple months ago called “The Shack”. I wasn’t expecting to like it at all, but it definitely touched me. The part of the book that I’ve recently been thinking about was when the main character, Mack, was crying and Saraju (a portrayal of the Holy Spirit) swept his tears in a bottle and told him that she collects tears.

Maybe I’m the only one, but it seems that I’ve cried a lot of tears in my short lifetime. I’ve shed tears for numerous reasons: some have been out of joy or awe; some have been out of empathy; some have been out of desperation; some have been out of confusion; some have been out of pain. Writing this and I realize that the majority of the reasons for my tears are sad, but not to be dismayed! I have found THE COMFORTER. Here are just a few scriptures concerning His comfort:

* Psalm 119:50 – “When I am hurting, I find comfort in your promise that leads to life…”
* Psalm 119:52 – “I find true comfort, LORD, because your laws have stood the test of time.”
* Isaiah 49:13 – “Tell the heavens and the earth to celebrate and sing; command every mountain to join in the song. The LORD's people have suffered, but he has shown mercy and given them comfort.”
* 2Corinthians 1:3 – “Praise God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! The Father is a merciful God, who always gives us comfort.”
* 2Corinthians 1:4 – “He comforts us when we are in trouble, so that we can share that same comfort with others in trouble.”
* 2Thessolonians 2:16 – “God our Father loves us. He is kind and has given us eternal comfort and a wonderful hope.”

A couple points stick out to me in these passages:
1. The writer’s obviously needed comfort. You would only need comfort if you were hurting and lost; if your life was upside down; if you were crying in your pillow; etc. What is interesting to me is sometimes we assume that once we give our hearts to God, all of our problems will be solved. I think that we think any need for comfort will dissipate at the altar of repentance, but not so.
· Matthew 5:45 – “That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.”

2. God has promised us comfort, but He has not promised to radically pluck us up from the circumstance that has us troubled and “fix” everything the way we imagine it needs to be fixed.

In Bible Study last night, we had much conversation about a portion of scripture in Proverbs. Here it is first of all: Proverbs 11:8 – “The righteous is delivered out of trouble…” Our conversation was centered on one word – DELIVERED. Plainly, God has promised deliverance to the righteous, but what is deliverance? I think that our idea of deliverance and His idea of deliverance are not always the same. For me, they are hardly ever the same! But that doesn’t mean that I have not been delivered. That doesn’t make His word a lie nor does it mean that I must be living an “un-righteous” life.

Ex. When I was diagnosed with the brain tumor, in my mind deliverance was to be radically healed or to have a radical recovery. Neither of those things happened. So did God skip over me? No. Did I have the brain tumor because I was “unrighteous”? I don’t think so…

I received the deliverance that He had promised, just not the way I had it all planned out for Him. Funny how He has a mind of His own and does things His own way and not mine! My deliverance came as a peace and a strength that I didn’t have before. It came as I searched for Him and our relationship became so much stronger. My deliverance came as my family being blessed enough financially that we don’t need an income from me to make it. Maybe we had to make some sacrifices, like selling my car and having a slim bank account, but here we are making it on just my husband’s income so that I can have time to rest, recover, finish nursing school, spend time with my kids, and have time to visit with family like my cousin, and my sister, and the weekend with my brother.

If God had listened to me, if He had of delivered me like I thought He should, none of that would be possible. I would be back at work full-time with no hope of finishing my college education, I wouldn’t have the time to spend with my kids and do little things like enroll my daughter in soccer (for the first time in her 10 years of life by the way), I wouldn’t have had to depend on Him with every aspect of my life and watch Him deliver building my trust and faith in Him, and I wouldn’t have ever experienced a peace that passes all understanding…

3. My third point is that GOD LOVES US. There are no stipulations, no little clauses, no conditions. Nowhere does it say, “I’ll love you and be your Father IF you do this and this and this…” Does He desire for us to live sinless lives? Sure. But His love isn’t contingent on that. He has just as much love for the saint as He does for the sinner. That’s what grace is – undeserved, unmerited, unconditional love.

So I guess my point to all that is just that He collects our tears… He knows every tear we’ve shed and why those tears trickled down our face. He knows every disappointment and every question that we have. And no matter what, He loves us so much that He offers us His comfort. Romans 8:38-39 – “For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

And so I wait...

2009-02-18T05:55:00.000-08:00

For Valentine's, my husband and his buddy, Chris, whisked me and Haley off to Savannah for a night. It was absolutely everything that I have always imagined it to be - rich in history, breathtakingly beautiful, and just perfect. Our trip was fantastic: we walked everywhere we wanted to go, soaked in tons of beauty and history, took fantastic tours, and stayed up way past my "curfew". And even though it was well worth it and I'd do it again in a heartbeat, I've definately paid for it the last two days.

I felt great during the trip, which was such a relief! But yesterday and today I've just felt exhausted, wobbely and slow, and my heads been hurting. When we got in the truck to come back home, ice cream cones from Leopold's in hand, Chris popped in a CD and the song that played couldn't have been more perfect. It's from John Waller titled "While I'm Waiting". If you've seen 'Fireproof', you'll recognize it from that movie.

These words perfectly match the words in my heart. "I'm waiting on You, Lord, though it is painful, but patiently I will wait...While I'm waiting, I will serve You. While I'm waiting, I will worship. While I'm waiting, I will not faint... I'm waiting though it's not easy, but faithfully I will wait... I'll be running the race even while I wait... I'll be taking every step in obediance... "So God, even though my head is splitting in pain, even though the pain is enough to keep me awake at night and grimacing during the day, even though I don't understand why I'm still going through this 15 months post-surgery, even though it isn't easy to keep on going - I am waiting on You... I will continue to put one foot in front of the other out of obediance... I will not faint...

I will worship and serve You because no matter how I might feel, You haven't changed. You are still God. You are still good and majestic and holy and pure. You are still righteous and true to Your word. You are by my side through every smile and each tear. You are faithful, and so I will be too, Lord. I am hopeful... And so I wait.

To church or not to church - that is the question...

2009-02-14T05:22:00.000-08:00

I took Martin to work this morning (6 am on a Saturday - that's true love), and as is our normal custom, we talked all the way to his work. Lately it seems the theme of our conversations has been the number of people that either talk directly to us or that we overhear discussing how hypocritcal churches, and even Christians, are. Several of our family members and friends no longer attend church due to this very reason. Sadly, there is some truth to their complaints.

First of all, churches are made up of people. Christians are people. All people have flaws. Romans 3:23 "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God". I think sometimes we hold authority figures in the church and even lay people of the church to a higher standard. Yes, Christians should strive daily to live Christ-like lives, but all have sinned. Now don't think for a second that I am condoning such sin because as a Christian, we should lead repented lives. Job 36:10-11 "He makes them listen to correction and commands them to repent of their evil. If they obey and serve him, they will spend the rest of their days in prosperity and their years in contentment". My point is just that none of us are without sin and shouldn't be so quick to judge. John 8:7 "But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." I, for one, am far from being blameless, so I choose to keep my stone casting to myself.

Secondly, there is a disturbing warning that God gives to us. Acts 20:30 "Even from your own number men will arise and distort the truth in order to draw away disciples after them." Martin and I have certainly heard these complaints from people. It is so unfortunate to hear of corupt churches, pastors, or saints. But sadly, it should not come as a shock because God warned us that some would be corupted. And maybe it's not so much shock as it is hurt and disappointment. We don't expect certain people to let us down, but sometimes it happens. However, it is important to remember that while people may have let us down, God has not.

With this being said, what is the answer? Stay away from churches? Hummm... Did you know that there are 80 verses in the Bible that instruct believers to assemble together. Many use the arguement that the church is within them and not a building or assembly. Some say that assembling themselves can be done with Bible Study's or even friendships with other believers. That is 1/2 right. Our body is His temple. 1 Corinithians 6:19 "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own". However, my question is this:

Mathew 18:17 "And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector." Tell who?? Tell me, tell you, tell an individual? Or tell an assembled group of believers?
Acts 2:47 "And the Lord added to the church daily those who were being saved." Was I added to? You? Or and assembled group of believers?
Acts 16:5 "So the churches were strengthened in the faith, and increased in number daily." Since this is plural here, is it saying that I was strengthened and increased in number? Or you? An individual maybe? Or an assembled group of believers?
Romans 16:1 "I commend to you Phoebe our sister, who is a servant of the church in Cenchrea" Whoa - Who was Phoebe? A servant of the church. A servant of mine or yours or another individual? Or a servant to an assembled group?
1 Corinthians 1:2 "To the church of God which is at Corinth" To whom?
2 Corinthians 1:1 "Paul, an apostle of Jesus Christ by the will of God, and Timothy our brother,To the church of God which is at Corinth, with all the saints who are in all Achaia" I think this is pretty self-explanitory...

In the NKJV, there are 120 mentions of the word "church" both in the Old and New Testiments. I think I've made my point clear that I don't think the answer is to stay away from church. Do you know what I think the answer is? I think it goes back to John 8:7. Galations 6:1-5 " Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself. Each one should test his own actions (not test the actions of someone else - look at yourself). Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else (Wow. Without comparing yourself to anyone else. Sounds like a warning to be careful not to cast stones to me), for each one should carry his own load. "

I've said all that to say this, I agree that some have fallen off their pedestools and that there have been some churches and some Christians that have been corupt, but we are not to focus on the mistakes of others. We are to keep our eyes on God and we are to test ourselves. Matthew 7:4-6 NIV "How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye."

So don't let a few bad apples spoil the bunch. All churches are not corupt. All people that call themselves Christians are not hypocrits. All churches aren't on autopilot barely living "good" lives. Maybe it's been hard to find people that really love God with their whole hearts, or maybe you've been discouraged and stopped looking, but they are there. Trust me.

And in the meantime, a challenge to all of us that strive to be Christ-like: test yourself like the Book of Galations instructed. Study and examine yourself, your intentions, and the way you come across to others. Find your weaknesses, not the weaknesses of others, but your own. And as instructed in the Book of Matthew, remove your "plank". Once you have, then you can help (not hurt, not condemn, but HELP) you fellow brother.

"I am lost for more to say..."

2009-02-09T05:23:00.001-08:00

Isaiah 6:3 And one cried unto another, and said, Holy, holy, holy, is the LORD of hosts: the whole earth is full of his glory.

Revelations 4:8 And the four beasts had each of them six wings about him; and they were full of eyes within: and they rest not day and night, saying, Holy, holy, holy, Lord God Almighty, which was, and is, and is to come.

The angels surrounding the throne of God constantly cry “Holy, holy, holy” unto the Lord. Yesterday I was thinking about them (the angels) and thinking of how they know that He is great just by looking at Him. They’ve never actually experienced His holiness for themselves, but they look at Him and see His goodness radiating from Him...
And then I was thinking of how I’ve actually experienced His holiness first-hand. I remember where I used to be; the things I used to do, way I used to feel, and the darkness that threatened to drown me. So tainted and dirty, I could easily let shame from my past sweep over me. And yet He delivered me! Changed me! FORGOT all the horrible things back there!! ....
Isn’t He so good? I mean, it would’ve been incredible for Him to just change me, or deliver me, but to forgive and forget too??? That His eyes could even look on me with love when He shouldn’t even be able to look in my direction at all because He is so pure and I’m just not… I’m just awed… I am awed that I AM His daughter and that He is my Father… Awed that He believes in me enough to have made a way possible for me to get another chance… That He laid down His very life for me?!?!?!?!
Gateway Worship sings a song called, “Beautiful”. There’s a line in it that says, “I am lost for more to say…” That perfectly pegs how I feel. I’m not sure if I can even entirely wrap my head around how beautiful He is, and I definitely don’t even have words to describe the way I feel about Him and why I feel the way I do about Him… But I’m so incredibly grateful for the glimpse of Him that causes my eyes to well up with tears every time I think about Him and my heart to skip a beat when I think about Him.

Recently, a friend asked me how I was able to keep my faith in God after being through so much (already) in life. I didn’t really have any words to give, but as I think about it, how could I not??? Of course I have faith in Him!!! He’s so incredibly amazing… Maybe I have been sick… maybe I have looked death in the eyes… maybe some days are full of pain… maybe there are times when I don’t understand… But I don’t even deserve LIFE, much less to be able to clutch His hand through those times. Already, He’s done so much for me…
And when I am sick; or when I do have a stare-down with death; or when I am in pain; or when I don’t understand – I just hold His hand and He squeezes it to remind me that He will NEVER leave me and NEVER forsake me. I don’t know why! He should. If He was anything like me, He would’ve never even glanced twice in my direction. But thankfully, He’s nothing like me and even though it goes against my understanding, He loves me still.

Ouch )-:

2009-02-06T05:51:00.000-08:00

My neck has been really stiff the past couple of days and I'm wondering if it has something to do with the cold? We've had a freezing cold front move through and it's colder here than it has been all year... Last time my neck was stiff was when we came down from the mountains in California after playing in the snow. It was cold then too...

I see my nuerologist next month though and schedule my next MRI. Those two will give me some more answers.

I do feel better today though, which is great since tonight's Bible Study and tomorrow my husband runs his first 1/2 marathon. :-D

Ah-ha Moment

2009-02-02T06:43:00.000-08:00

This morning I was doing ordinary household chores and for some reason I started thinking about "the headaches". I don't know why that's what my mind settled on because I don't have a headache today (I mean, I have a headache every day, but today I don't have "the headache"). I was remembering week before last when I thought I was going to black out in pain when "the headache" hit me like a freight train. I remembered my desperate pleas to God and my questions over why, 14 months post-surgery, this was still going on. And suddenly, as I was loading the dishwasher, a thought passed through my head. Over and over I kept hearing, "I know the plans I have for you..." I knew that those words were spoken to me by God because 1. I certainly don't understand what's going on and 2. I wouldn't think in the first person (I mean, when I think about myself I say things like "I know my plans").

I wasn't like in the floor sobbing or anything. Just talking to God while I loaded the dishwasher. So after I finished up my chore, I looked up the scripture running through my head to see exactly what it promises.

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Don't think that I can follow that promise from God with anything even close to adequate. I'll just say that I hardly ever, well never really, understand what He's up to, but I trust Him. You know why I trust Him? Because He loves me. I know He loves me.

Relationship -VS- Religion

2009-01-30T04:01:00.000-08:00

I woke up thinking about how much my relationship with God has changed over the last 21 years (yep, I've been "doing this" for that long). For a long time, my relationship with God was so unhealthy. For starters, I likened Him to some of the other male figures in my life, and that wasn't so good. My relationship with Him was a lot like the relationship a battered wife has with her abusive husband. Not that God's at all abusive, but I made Him that way.

Being "saved" came with a checklist (to me). I would constantly worry and fret over that ridiculously long list of things that I could do and things that I couldn't do. I'd worry that the slightest mistep would lead me straight to hell and tried desperately to earn my way into heaven. Since the list was so long and impossible, I'd focus more energy on finding shortcuts and pushing the limits than I did actually knowing God. Honestly, I don't think that I wanted to know Him. That long list of rules and regulations made Him seem kind of mean, and instead of seeing His grace and mercy, all I could see was that huge inflated list. Romans 3:23 (NIV) "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God..." That's a relief! Everybody sins! James 3:2 (NIV) "We all stumble in many ways..."

Trying to live up to this long list of rules and regulations for "being saved" came with a cost.

I became judgemental. Instead of looking at my own heart and putting my focus on straigtening out my own issues, I found great joy in pointing my finger at others. I can remember thinking, or even saying, "Well So-N-So does ____________." Or "I saw So-N-So at such-n-such." Much easier to look outside of yourself at others downfalls than taking a look within...
I lived life on the edge. I would do whatever I could get away with and still stay inside that little box of regulations. I didn't know God at all, but I knew a lot about "the rules" (or LAWS as Jesus put it). Matthew 3:7 (NKJV) "But when he saw many of the Pharisees and Sadducees coming to his baptism, he said to them, "Brood of vipers..." That's pretty hard-core, Jesus calling someone a viper! The Pharisees and Sadducees knew the law. They were hard-core on the rules (more than I was). They knew how to look good and speak well and on the outside they looked holier-than-thou (and so did I). Oh but on the inside... Well, let's just say that's where I hid my "junk" (and I'm guessing that they had some "junk" hidden there too). Now it's important to remember that we can't just throw the rules, or laws, away. Matthew 5:17 (KJV) "Do not think that I came to destroy the Law or the Prophets. I did not come to destroy but to fulfill." However if we are so busy worrying ourselves with rules of serving God, we can totally miss God, just like the Pharisees and the Sadducees did.
This is how I made God an abusive Father. I worried that if I fell, if I messed up on one of those rules, He'd "spank" me. I worried that if I stubbed my toe and a bad word slipped out then a bus ran me over before I could slip out a quick, "God, forgive me", I'd go straight to hell. "Serving Him" seemed so hard! And I guess it was. Romans 3:23 already lets us know that everybody falls short. Everybody messes up. But in my mind, since I couldn't put nice little neat checks by all of those rules, then I'd just rather duck out all together and not have to worry with putting checks by any of them. I was totally missing what it's all about...
So sadly, the final price of my checklist was burn out. And who wouldn't burn out? That list of can's and can't's was so long that I couldn't even see the end of it. Constantly worrying if I could do this or that was exhausting. And justifying why I could get away with some things or pouting when I didn't feel like I could get away with others just wore me out. And so I dropped out.

Thankfully, the story doesn't stop there! Once that religion was out of my system, God introduced Himself to me and initiated something that I had never know before - a real true relationship. Like any relationship, ours has taken some hard work. Sometimes, it hurts. He wants me to be as open to Him as He desires to be with me. I'll be honest, that's a little scary. Being totally raw and vulnerable takes me casting off my covering of pride. He doesn't care how well I look on the outside. He's not fooled by what I say. He sees inside of me at all the "junk" and you know what? He loves me still! Isn't that mind boggeling?

Did you know that there are more than 350 scriptures in the Bible that speak of God walking or talking with people? Did you know that there are more than 500 mentions of Him hearing cries and prayers? Wow... So when your tears fall silently on your pillow and you think you're crying yourself to sleep all alone, He sees. When your heart cries out in confusion or hurt or whatever, He's listening.

So something odd happened when I chunked that list of rules out the window and just focused on getting to know Him. Things started changing. Not because I wanted a ticket to heaven; not because I feared a spanking from God; not because I wanted to have those nice little check marks. Things in my life started changing because I started falling in love with Him. The more I fell in love with Him, the better I wanted to be.

It's like a relationship in the natural. I'm in love with my husband. There are things that make him happy. He's happy when dishes don't pile up in the sink. He's happy when I don't scream or nag. He's happy when I don't max out every credit card we have on new shoes. And I want to make him happy because that's what makes me happy. My desire to leave dirty dishes piled in the sink, or act like a maniac, or put us in debt because of a shoe fetish pales in comparison to my desire to see him happy.

So it is with God. I love Him. I can't bear the thought of Him looking at me with disappointment. I don't want to make Him sad. And the closer I draw to Him, the more He shares things in my life that we can tackle together. I no longer worry about getting a ticket to heaven; or getting a spanking from God; or having check marks next to an invisible list. Instead I just want to walk as close to Him as I can. I want to sit at His feet and listen to His voice soothe over me. I want to hold His hand and smile knowing that He's always with me.

And so I have joyfully tossed religion aside and built the most beautiful relationship with God. And that relationship has brought some "religious" aspects along. Remember, He didn't come to do away with the law. He came to fulfill it. And by getting to know Him, those laws are not only fulfilled, but they finally make sense. I no longer do things because I have to. I do them because I want to. And that is awesome.

These "side effects" will pass, right?!?!?

2009-01-27T19:40:00.001-08:00

Friday morning I woke up feeling fine. I headed out for the yard to do some yard work that has been neglected for ages. Caleb and Sadie happily played all around me, and at lunch time we all decided to come in for a break. That's when it hit. Like a frieght train, suddenly my head felt like it was going to explode and I slumped onto my bed fearing that I was going to pass out.

Every day of my life, my head hurts. Most days are tolerable and I've gotten used to the aches, which is good since I had never before really had headaches and thought that I would NEVER get used to them. But still there are days when the pain in my head is paralyzing. And Friday happened to be one of those days. Caleb brought me the phone and I called Martin to tell him how badly I felt. Caleb crawled in bed beside me and we laid there for hours. I cried while he fell asleep.

It's been well over a year since surgery, and yet still I have "bad" days. They aren't nearly as frequent as before, but it's really hard not to get frusterated. I try really hard to be everything that I was before, but the truth is that sometimes I'm just not. I am back in the gym working out consistently to build up my stamina and I've been trying to shorten the length of my daily naps. I'm in school forcing my memory to grow and move that memory loss to the side.

Yet still I have to remember that as long as it's been, I'm still recovering. Martin, my kids, and my doctors are quick to remind me that I have to take things easy and I still have to recognize that even though I am a 25 year-old woman, I am recovering - and having such a major surgery won't go away overnight.

So as I laid in the bed Friday, clutching my head with tears rolling down my face, I thanked God that I am recovering. It's taken a lot more time than I ever would have realized, but I am getting better. And even though sometimes I hate the symptoms that I struggle with, I don't love God any less. If anything, I love Him all the more.

I'm not anything like Job was, but there is one thing we have in common. I don't just love God for what He can do for me (like the devil had suggested when speaking to God about him). I love Him because of who He is and because He first loved me.

And so even when there are days that my head hurts so much that I physically can't move; and even where there are days that my mind is confused and feels in a fog; and even when I have to make an effort to remember simple details and instructions (and still sometimes fail) - I love my God. So there! *sticking my tongue out* I can and will praise Him in this storm...

My Desire

2009-01-23T05:21:00.001-08:00

This morning I was listening to Jeremy Camp's song "My Desire" and my heart began to ache. Every word of that song mimics how I am feeling.

I’ve had my fill of “religion” stuffed down my throat, and while I’m grateful for the things those days taught me – I want something real. And I want Jesus to be real. I’m not satisfied with reading about how wonderful He was. It’s not enough for the ink of pages to tell of His peace, and healing, and comfort, and restoration power. I yearn for that ink to become alive. I want Him to be wonderful NOW. I mean He is wonderful. Don’t get me wrong, but for so many of us “Christians”, He’s not REAL. He’s a beautiful character that we read about. That’s not enough for me. I mean I’m grateful to know what I do know about Him, but I NEED more. I crave more. “I know my heart is to fill You near and I know my life is to do Your will…”

Just like the Jeremy Camp song, I know how far God has brought me. I am in awe that He would ever look at me with anything more than disgust. When I couldn’t even love myself, He did. The King of all Kings looked at me and LOVED me!!!! Is He sure? I mean I’ve done some pretty despicable disgusting things… Of course He’s sure! He’s God! Psalm 45:11 (NKJV) The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your lord. Enthralled? Beauty? ME?!?!?!?! To Him, I am beautiful (whoa). He’s forgiven and forgotten about all that “junk” that had me all marred and wounded. He sees through eyes that I’m yet to see through.

And get this, He believes in me. That’s crazy! So since He is all knowing and still He believes in me, then so do I. I’ll do whatever I have to do to bring Him alive. I’ll do anything to make Him real. I believe that He can heal the brokenhearted. I know that He’s a comfort in the storm. I know that He’s our strength when we’re weak. He’s a peace that passes all understanding. And I want everyone else to know without a doubt that my God is real. My God is more than ink on pages. Hebrews 13:8 (NIV) Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.

P.S. - I love you...

2009-01-19T18:53:00.000-08:00

So a friend recommended that we rent the movie "P.S. - I love you..." I knew that the movie was about a young couple and that the husband dies, but that's all I knew. Tonight my husband and I watched it and had one of those nights...

The couple wasn't in their 30's yet (like us); the man was this girl's first kiss and love (like me); he was sort of carefree (like me) while she was organized and detailed (like Martin); and the kicker - HE DIES OF A BRAIN TUMOR. Lovely. If I had've know that was how he died, I wouldn't have watched it. But I'm glad that I didn't know and that I did watch it.

Anyway, when I was so sick, and knew that death was just as much a reality as living was, I wasn't scared for me. I wasn't afraid to die and I wasn't afraid of what would happen to my kids if I died because Martin is wonderful and because my mom is wonderful. Granted, I don't want either of them to grow up without a mom and I love them fiercely, but I know that they would be okay. What did scare me, was what would happen to Martin.

I don't think that Martin would sink inside of himself and never shower and lose his job and never get out of bed. I know he'd keep chugging on for our kids, but what scares me is that he'd forget to smile. Martin has a smile that stretches across his entire face and when he looks at you and smiles you can see his eyes dance with sparkles. When he laughs, like truly laughs, nothing is more beautiful and you have to laugh too because you just have too. But if I were to die, and he was sad, what if he stopped laughing???

In the movie, that was his fear for her, and it's exactly what happened for that first year. She forgot to smile. She stopped laughing. I didn't just cry, I sobbed and at moments told Martin that I just couldn't watch anymore... Now I know that it's normal to mourn and there are some days that will just be sad, but not forever. No one deserves to feel their heartbreak in two each and every morning.

I did have surgery that removed most, if not all, of the tumor cells in my brain. My chances are very good. However, some of the tumor had spread into my brain stem and those are the hardest cells to reach. We are keeping a close eye on them. But just in case, if something happens, I want him to smile. I want him to be happy. I love him and he deserves to laugh until his sides ache.

We aren't really great about talking about "the tumor" because... well, we just aren't. So here is my public declaration: Martin, don't mourn forever. Laugh baby, for me. Smile, for me. Keep living, for me because you love me and because I love you.

Whoever is not against us is for us...

2009-01-12T19:50:00.000-08:00

· John questioned Jesus about a man displaying miraculous signs because he was not “one of them”. Mark 9:38-41
· Jesus prays for all who believe in Him. John 19:20-26

How can you tell who is for Christ?
· It’s simple really. Matthew 7:15-20
· What to be looking for. Galatians 5:22 -23

Ask, Seek, and Knock
· The promise of Jesus for us all. Matthew 7:7&8
· Perfect example. Acts 10

Careful not to judge.
· Matthew 7: 1 & 2
· Psalm 96:13
· Luke 6:37
- John 8:6-8

Lord, You are good!

2009-01-12T06:40:00.000-08:00

Ever heard the song 'Lord, You are Good'? Well, in church yesterday we sang it, and as we got to the part that says, "You are good, all the time, all the time, You are good!" I started thinking about just how true that really is.

God is good when I have "headache" days and He is good when I feel fine.
God is good when I have difficulty remembering and He is good when I don't.
God is good on the trips that I take to the doctor or hospital and He's good when I don't have to make those trips.
God is good when I am laying in an MRI machine and He's still good when I'm not.
God is good when my prayers seem to bounce off the sky and He is good when they don't.
God is good when I don't understand the curveballs that life throws my way and He is good when there are no balls flying at me.
God is good when our finances look slim and He is good when our every need is met.
God is good when I feel helpless and hopeless and He is good when I'm reminded that He is my help and my hope.
God is good when medical bills stack up on my desk...
God is good when I feel overwhelmed...
God is good ALL THE TIME.
God is good when I feel lost or confused and He is good when I'm granted understanding.
God is good when the storms threaten to overtake me and He is good when there is peace.
God is good when my kids are angels and He is good when they seems possessed.
God is good when my marraige is struggling and He is good when it is strong.
God is good when I make 'A's on tests in school and He's still good when I barely make 'C's.
God is good when I don't understand His decisions...
God is good when my heart feels broken...
God is good ALL THE TIME.

All Things Are Possible!

2009-01-06T15:43:00.000-08:00

So by the hand of God, I am still chugging along at school. Tomorrow is our first 'official' day back, but I don't have any classes until the next day. It's so crazy to think that when I started back last semester, no one (including me) was sure that I could make it. Some days were hard. I'd have headaches so bad that I'd barely make it out of the classroom before fainting or throwing up. Two of my medications cause blurred vision so studying was like reading through beer goggles. I would cry. I would want to quit. But I kept on chugging. And somehow I made it through to register for another semester!!!

Just a perfect reminder that no matter how grim things may appear, no matter how hopeless the situation may seem, no matter how much you might want to quit - don't forget that all things are possible if you're holding hands with the Almighty!

The Holidays THIS Year (Oh what a difference a year makes!)

2009-01-05T09:27:00.000-08:00

No pictures of bald heads or walkers in these recent holiday pictures! We had a wonderful holiday and spent 8 days with my Papi and family in California (which is clear across the continent for us). I was surprised with how well I did with the altitude changes and all. My head hurt on the plane on the way there and there was only one day that I didn't have the greatest of days, but that was it! Maybe the "bad" days are getting fewer and fewer... That would be nice!

My kids got to see snow for the first time; and for the first time in ages I was able to read a book just 'cause! I read 'The Shack' and was surprised by how much I liked it and the volumes in which God spoke to me through it.

Coming back home was bittersweet, but we spent an evening with Martin's extended family and the next day with my mom's family. Both nights were great and we had a lot of fun.

To ring in the New Year we visited a Hispanic Church in town with a friend of mine and it was awesome! It was almost like being on the mission field or being plucked up from here and plopped in the middle of Mexico. We couldn't understand most of what was said, and no one could really understand us, but that was okay. Still the praise and the presence of God was undeniable and it was just too cool.

So now we are back to the 'real' world and I'm looking forward to it. I start back school Wednesday and I'll be taking Microbiology and Spanish. I'm pretty stoked. Micro should be interesting. Signing up for classes this semester just reminded me that no matter what obstacles may be thrown your way, with the strength of God, ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!

Trying to forgive...

2009-01-01T08:58:00.000-08:00

It's so hard to forgive when the hurt is so justified, and yet that is exactly what Jesus did for me. He forgave me even when there was absolutely no reason for Him too... What strength that must have taken! To forgive when your heart feels broken and hurt is nearing its' bitter turn to anger...

Shaky relationships have shattered and crumbled at my feet (and naturally I point the blame at "The Brain Tumor") and I know that I have to forgive, I want to forgive, and yet I can't. I've tried. I've thought that I had. And yet still it's obvious that I haven't because the wounds still ooze with pain. Truly I need the help and strength of God.

And He will help me and He will be my strength because He is strength.

NKJV
Exodus 15: 2 "The LORD is my strength and song, And He has become my salvation; He is my God, and I will praise Him; My father’s God, and I will exalt Him."

Psalm 18:1 "I will love You, O LORD, my strength."

Psalm 18:32 "It is God who arms me with strength, And makes my way perfect."

This is how we spent the holidays last year...

2008-12-19T05:57:00.000-08:00

Pictures from left to right:

1. My Aunt and favorite cousin kept me company before my brain surgery.

2. Nearly all of my family on my mom's side traveled to the hospital while I was in surgery to pray and wait. Waking up to their faces was amazing!

3. I was in more pain than I can even describe...

4. When I came home, I spent the holidays learning how to walk again with the help of a walker. 5. My family made Christmas special for me.

6. My dad flew across country the moment he heard the news and was by my side those first few days of recovery.

The first year anniversary of "the surgery".

2008-12-17T07:02:00.000-08:00

It's hard to believe that a year has passed since my head was sawed open. I've had so many triumphs and so many set backs, but still I’m pushing on. Some days moving forward isn’t hard at all, and some days I feel like I’m clawing and fighting the whole way. I don’t think the symptoms that I’m left to sort out have as much to do with the brain tumor itself as they have to do with the brain surgery.

In January I couldn’t even walk or bathe myself. A walker clustered up my living room and my husband would gently help sponge bath me. I was still taking some heavy painkillers, and my memory of that time is still pretty fuzzy. I spent my days and nights on the couch dozing in and out of consciousness and pain.

In February my surgeon took me off of the heavy painkillers and sent to my physical therapy three days a week. The girl that worked with me was named Kelly, and she re-taught me how to walk, how to keep my balance, how to bathe, how to reach, how to start living again. Through her teaching and my hard work, I received the green light from the surgeon to start driving again. I would still get confused and I was still forgetful, but I was starting to regain my own independence.

In March I was hospitalized for “pushing myself” too hard. The hole in my head (where the tumor used to be) had filled up with fluid that wasn’t draining causing a reoccurrence in my symptoms. My surgeon informed me that my idea of recovery was not realistic and it would take at least 18 months before I was “okay” and even then I may not fully recover some of the things that I had lost. Depression now accompanied my pain. Some good news was that I was released to work part-time towards the end of March as long as I promised to rest. That promise wasn’t hard to keep, working a couple hours and going to physical therapy totally wiped me out. Due to the persistence of my mom and Martin, I started seeing a general doctor as well. I had relied solely on my surgeon and he was 3 hours away. Never having a doctor before, now I had two.

In April I started realizing what a monster I had become to Martin and the kids. In the afternoons, I would be so tired and my head would hurt so much that I lashed out at them – a lot. And the depression didn’t help any. I’d make Martin lie when the phone would ring for me because the thought of talking to anyone just seemed overwhelming. I didn’t want to talk or play with him or my kids, and cried for no reason at all. I couldn’t sleep at night and would stare at the ceiling and plan out my funeral, just in case you know. I also started secretly doing research on the Internet for others “like me” and my findings were scary. The death ratio for people with non-cancerous brain tumors is 55% in 10 years. To me, that meant that I would be dead by the ripe ol’ age of 34. Towards the end of April, my depression was noticeable enough that my boss gently sat me down and suggested that I talk to my doctor about depression. I did, and finally received some help, although there are still some effects of looking death square in the eye that I just can’t shake. Also in April, I gave my notice at work. It was the hardest thing that I’ve ever had to do, but I just wasn’t able to do it all and work was the only thing that I could sacrifice.

In May I celebrated my 25th birthday, my son’s 3rd birthday, and our 4th wedding anniversary. Martin surprised me with a gorgeous ring that reminds me that he loves me no matter how ugly I might be, how grumpy I might be, or whatever I went through. He stood by my side through better or for worse, and even though he can’t relate or offer many words of comfort, I know he’s always there. I was also released from physical therapy because I had reached all of the goals set for me by my surgeon.

In June I said my sad goodbye to Albany Community Hospice, and my new focus was on my family and myself. Slowly the house started looking less like a natural disaster had hit and I started looking forward to the beach trip we had planned and paid for back in January with income tax money. It’s a good thing that we had already paid because living off of one income started hitting us pretty hard and on top of everything else, we now had money problems to wade through. We were forced to sell my car to reduce some of our debt and we took Caleb out of daycare as well.

In July I celebrated the 4th with my family and my favorite cuz, Erica, and her 2 sons. I had daydreamed of spending all day out in the sand, but that just wasn’t realistic. Exhausted by midday, I’d have to sulk up to our condo to take a nap every day. The pressure difference of actually submerging my head underwater made my head hurt so bad that I thought I would pass out, so there was no swimming for me. But still it was so nice to get away and the scenery was absolutely beautiful. By this point I looked totally “normal”. My hair had grown back to cover the seven-inch scar up my head, and my time in physical therapy had taught me how to walk again. By the end of July, my headaches were too excruciating for me to even function. I wound up back in the hospital and was referred to a local neurologist.

By August, my new neurologist had put me on 4 different medications to help manage my symptoms. He ordered an MRI of my brain before he made his decision and was a little surprised that I wasn’t on any medications already. He collaborated his treatment with my general doctor and my neurosurgeon. Within 2 weeks, I had noticed a change in the severity of my headaches and was able to sleep through the night. Against everyone’s judgment, I registered for school. We all worried that it would be too much for me, but I wanted to try. I needed to feel like I was doing something. Martin and I kept our financial struggles to ourselves, and one day I checked the mail and there was an odd envelope in the mailbox. When I opened it, a hundred dollars fell out. Tears just streamed down my face in thankfulness because God is truly our provider.

In September I had started school and was really enjoying it. I think I’m a nerd because my hand is always raised with questions and I get really excited about learning. It shouldn’t come as a shock that I’m going to school for nursing. After all that I’ve been through, I think I’ve got the empathy part down pat. I did notice that school was a lot harder for me than it had been before. I guess because of my sketchy memory, I had a hard time retaining information and studying proved very difficult. But still I kept chugging along.

Oh! I haven’t even mentioned the Bible Studies!! I’m not sure exactly when we started having the Bible Studies in our home, but we did. For the first several I would be in the middle of a killer headache, curled up on the couch, and in pajamas. But no one seemed to mind and the Bible Studies grew and grew and God’s presence definitely settled among us each time we met.

In October the headaches were back big time. Still, I kept chugging. I was struggling in school but determined to finish. There were two occasions that the headaches were so severe, I had to run out of the classroom before I fainted in front of everyone. My general doctor prescribed me some pain medicine for the bad headaches, but I wouldn’t take it unless I absolutely had too. And even then I would usually wait too long to get the full benefits of the pain relief.

The headaches let up some by November, and the frequency of their occurrence was a lot more scattered than it had been months before. But now there was another problem. My stomach was killing me. I don’t know how to really explain how I felt, but I couldn’t keep anything down and yet my stomach felt so swollen. Every position that I would get in would hurt so much and so on to my general doctor I went. After a couple tests and visits, we found that I had a stomach ulcer probably due to the medications that I was on and the Ibephrophen that I popped like candy. To treat it, I was prescribed another medicine and I had to lay off the Ibephrophen. Guess what happened? The headaches came roaring back. I was given a doctors excuse to stay out of PE for a month because I wasn’t supposed to exert myself. But still I chugged on in my Anatomy and Physiology 2 class. Thanksgiving came and we spent the day with some friends that we had made in Bible Study. The day was really nice, but when we came home that night, and I put the tree and lights up, I totally freaked out. Martin and the kids had gone to the store and setting up the tree and worn me out. I laid on the couch and watched the lights and suddenly felt like I was being hit with a ton wall. Memories of last year came flooding back and I realized how sick I really was…

So now December is here. I’ve taken finals at school, and while I failed PE (the easiest class ever) because of that stupid month off for that stupid stomach ulcer, I made a ‘B’ in A&P 2. None of us were even sure that I could make it, and yet I did. Maybe I didn’t get the ‘A’s that I was used to getting, but I couldn’t be more proud of myself for chugging through. I may not be exactly were I was before, but I have come a long way. This last year has certainly taught me patience and that my “normal” may never be what it once was…. And that’s okay.

Happy Sigh

2008-12-12T05:47:00.000-08:00

Took my last final Tuesday night, and I'm VERY relieved to have a break from school. I think that I made a 'B' in Anatomy & Physiology 2, but an 'Incomplete' in PE due to that entire month that I missed workouts because of that stomach ulcer. *Sigh* Oh well, can't have everything! LOL

Still having headaches daily, but sometimes they aren't as severe (meaning just that I can live through them and halfway function). Almost done taking the medicine for the stomach ulcer, and I have an appointment Wednesday to see if it's healed. My stomach's not bothering me nearly like it was, so we'll see.

Also Wednesday marks one year since my brain surgery!! Didn't know if I'd live to celebrate, so I'm pretty thankful. Of course you are well aware of how recovery knocked the wind out of me, but I'm adjusting. I mean, pre-surgery it would have been fairly easy for me to make 'A's in school (AND still work), but I've struggled and fought so hard for that one 'B' that I'm pretty happy. And even though I'm not where I want to be, I am still further than anyone thought. NO ONE thought that I would be able to make it through this semester at school, so I'm pleased that I kinda did. (-; Too bad that PE, the easiest class ever, messed me up. But at least I didn't have to quit like everyone thought.

We leave next week to spend Christmas with family out of town. I couldn't be more excited, but I am nervous. I'm wondering how I'll do with the change of pressure on the airplane? I know over the summer I couldn't go under water because the pressure change made my head burst in pain... Guess I'll mention that question at the doctors appointment Wednesday. Not real excited to take drugs and be all dopey on my vacation, but I also don't want to be in a pain crisis either... Anyone care to share their experience?

Funny how many aspects of life something so big affects, huh? I've come to accept that I may always come across circumstances that I'll have to handle differently because of the tumor/surgery. I used to get angry by it, but I am learning to adjust and change my way of thinking. Instead of thinking how robbed I feel, I think of how to tackle a new obstacle. And I know that I can tackle each obstacle because I'm not alone. God's right by my side. (-:

OH!!! And tonight we're hosting a Christmas Party for our Bible Study group. I'm SUPER excited about it!! And see, there is another reason for me to celebrate. Last year I couldn't even walk at Christmas, and this year I'm able to host a party!! *Me sticking my tongue out at brain tumors/surgery*

Memories

2008-12-04T05:54:00.000-08:00

I have got to be the luckiest girl alive because I have the wonderful opportunity to celebrate Christmas on the other side of the continent. Initially when my dad invited us to join him out in California, I was just looking forward to seeing him and all of my family. Well, now I'm still looking foward to seeing everyone, but I'm looking forward to making new memories this Christmas.

As the first anniversary of my brain surgery creeps up, I seem to be remembering (almost reliving) the agony of last year. At this time last year, I was still being bounced from doctor to doctor not knowing what was wrong, but I was experiencing a lot of pain in my head and back and my left side was slowly getting increasing numb. The numbness was spreading like a horrible rash. First in my foot, then my finger tips, my hand, and my face. I remember thinking that I was going crazy and I didn't tell anyone exactly how severe my symptoms were.

I was in school last year, and gearing up for finals. I can remember how studying was impossible because of the headaches. I was taking two classes then, and when I sat down to take the finals, I knew that I wasn't prepared. I remember the feeling of overwelming anxiety swallowing me as I sat uncomfortably in my desk trying my best to ease the pain in my back. I can remember fighting back tears of frusteration. I know that the only reason that I passed those finals was because God stepped in. I can almost visualize Him slowly sitting in my desk and putting His hand around my sweaty hand that gripped the pencil. And blindly He began answering the questions for me. And because of His help, I passed.

The night of Thanksgiving this year, when I stared at the lights on my Christmas tree, I sort of freaked out. All the events of last year just came like a crushing wave and I could barely breath. If that was hard, I can't imagine how Christmas would be. So instead, I have something to look forward too! I'm looking foward to traveling and visiting my family. I'm looking forward to a BREAK away from here.

I think that our decision to spend Christmas away might have offended some of our family's that are here, and I am sorry for that. But at the same time, have some sensitivity! I nearly died last Christmas. It was horrible. And when I didn't die, I prayed for death because the pain I was in was something so horrible I can't even describe. I almost started feeling guilty about our trip, but you know what, I deserve it. I think that I earned it.

I want us to have happy memories and I don't want any of us to think about last year. I don't want my kids to remember seeing their mommy crying, slurring, and confused. I don't want them to remember seeing my walker in the middle of the living room. I don't want Martin to remember handing me TONS of medications, or remember me screaming out at him in pain and confusion.

I just want us to have a Merry Christmas. And each of us deserves that.

So there was my vent for today. Martin says that he thinks blogging and journaling is theraputic for me. I think he's right. (-:

Wow

2008-11-29T07:17:00.000-08:00

So the strangest thing happened to me on Thanksgiving night. We had enjoyed turkey and laughter with some of our friends, and come home to decorate for the Christmas season. Joyfully, I cranked up the Christmas music and strung lights on my tree. I decorated my mantle and placed my little snowmen throughout the house.

I was too tired to add the ornaments to the tree, so I just laid down on the couch and watched the awe the beautiful lights on the tree - and then it happened. I had a breakdown.

Like a crashing wave, I was suddenly bombarded with memories of the bleak holiday we'd had last year. I would watch the lights then too as I dozed in and out of a drug induced sleep. I'd watch the lights on the tree as tears of pain would stream down my face of all hours of the day and night. Suddenly it just dawned on me how sick I really was, and how horrible of a sight it must of been for my children and my husband. I don't remember the things that I must have said or did, but I know that I could have said or done some horrible things out of pain and the effects of my pain meds. I can't remember when my husband took the tree down, and I can't remember the presents that the kids ripped open on Christmas morning.

So I laid there feeling sorry for myself, which is pretty dumb since I am nothing like that this year. And as I laid there sobbing, my husband came in the room and held me. And he said, "Jess, you are fine now. We made it through that. Let's rejoice and be glad that God saw us through". And you know what, he's right.

I have always said that I felt like God would use my brain tumor/surgery for someone else, and maybe that hasn't happened yet or maybe it has. All I do know is that I trust in Him. There was some sort of reason that I experienced that, and in the end it will be used for His glory.

Thanksgiving (and I have to much to be grateful for)

2008-11-26T05:12:00.000-08:00

One year ago, I could no longer deny the symptoms and the pain that I was having. My head and mid-back hurt and there was numbness in my left hand and foot. In my mind I had decided that after the Thanksgiving holiday, I would call and make a doctor's appointment. I did, and after bouncing around at different doctors for 2 weeks, I finally found one that believed me. Dr. Allen Brown ran several tests, including the MRI, and the MRI revealed a brain tumor. Finding him saved my life, and I am truly thankful.

I'm also thankful that I don't have to face the same fears as I did a year ago. I knew something was really wrong with me, but I wasn't sure what. You know what they say, the fear of the unknown can be overwhelming.

I am thankful that each day brings me closer to God, and without His strength, I would never have made it. He is my pillar when I feel so weak. When I feel so scared, I can turn to Him and He offers comfort. Afterall, He is the comforter.

I am thankful for my rather large and unconventional family. There was a time that I thought my family was all broken up, but, by the hand of God, those cracks have come together to form relationships that I never thought possible. It has been in this last year that those cracks have been buffed out and now a beautiful family has been restored.

Through my illness last year, my cousin and I have truly found friendship again. That means enough to me that I would not trade the brain tumor for that. All the aftermath, the huge seven-inch scar, the headaches, the material losses - all worth it for our friendship.

I am thankful that God hears and cares about my cries. I have desired true Christian friends for a long time. I've wanted the kind of friends that liked me just as much as I liked them. The kind of friends that I didn't have to chase and try to force to like me. The kind that just do. And the kind of friends that love God just as much as I do and together we all strive to be closer to Him. He's blessed me with these friends and I am so grateful. Each week we gather together on a Friday night to study the Bible together. Finding young people like us to share this passion with is absolutely amazing.

I am thankful that God has given me such a wonderful husband. Sure, he's human and has his flaws, but he is such a strong supporter, my best friend, and a dream of a father. Each year we've grown closer together, and the fact that he so diligently stood by my side over the last year is one of the reasons that I have come as far as I have.

I am thankful for my two beautiful, smart, and healthy children. There are so many mothers out there that lose a child or raise a sick child, and I know that I am lucky not to face those trials. My kids are both happy and have wonderful distinct personalities. They are the reason that I work so hard to become 100% better.

Next to my husband, I have a best friend in my mom. There isn't anything that I couldn't tell her, and even in the worst of times we just giggle and giggle when we're together. Some of the few memories I have of being in the hospital last year are of me, her, and my husband just laughing and laughing until tears were in my eyes.

I am thankful to belong to a church family and have a mentor to shepard and guide me. Certainly, I read and study God's word, but having my Pastor and his wife to answer any of my questions and love me through any confusions is absolutely wonderful. I don't think of them as just my Pastor and his wife, but I truly consider them my friends.

And I am thankful for life. I am thankful that the God I serve is alive and well and that bones can live again...

So annoying...

2008-11-24T05:11:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a pretty bad day. My head hurt so bad that it was painful to keep my eyes open or to walk. I spent the day on the couch - not studying (and I have a test every single week for the next 3 weeks). It's so easy for other people to forget that I'm not like them... I look great - my hair is now long enough to completely cover my scar. I have come a long way. But sometimes, I still feel pretty sick. Some days, I still have to take my emegency breakthrough pain medication. Some days, I want to just die.

I know that I have come such a long way. The headaches used to be daily, and now they are about every 2 weeks. I know that I should be grateful, but instead I'm just annoyed. I want to be "normal" so bad. I yearn for it. I don't want to worry about stress causing a headache. Or staying up to late will result in a headache the next day. I want to get through school without the effects of this stupid tumor slowing me down. I want to spend an entire day out shopping without getting tired, instead of hitting up 3 stores and then being exhausted.

We're creeping up on my one year anniversary of the surgery, and really I am doing so much better than I was then... I'm doing better than I was a few months ago... But I'm not where I want to be. And that is what annoys me.